May 10, 1995 – Wednesday – 2:30 p.m.

My mom is supposed to meet me here in my room at 3:00 p.m.

Thirty minutes.

My Freshman Year at Lees-McRae College is over.  It’s gone.  It will never happen again.

I have changed.  I have grown.

But I am me.

August 28, 1994 to May 10, 1995.

Eight months and twelve days.

It began with a kiss above one waterfall…

elk river falls

But ended with God’s grace under a different waterfall…

elk falls

Smiles were made, but tears washed them away.

God is under the waterfall, catching all of my pain.

In His days of grace, my tears turn into sweet, sweet rain.

May 1, 1994 – Sunday – 10:30 p.m.

Church tonight was great!  I learned a lot.

Earlier in this section, I wrote saying that I wish I was not part of humanity.  Then I did not realize the horror of what I was saying.

What is humanity?

Humanity is God’s creation.  I wished not to be a part of that.  I was in the wrong to think that way.  But today, I realized that God created me so that he could share me with the rest of humanity.  The rest of his creation.

What a gift!

I haven’t known Jenna and Tenielle for long, only about five months.  But the Lord has given me a chance to share this wonderful gift of life with them for this brief period of time.

How could I ask for more?

This is the best present I’ve ever had.  The chance to share smiles with Jenna and Tenielle.  Is there anything more beautiful on this planet?

Yesterday, Jenna kept on giving me wedgies, so I kept trying to give her one, but she would always run off.  She said my boxer’s looked like 101 Dalmatians.  

It’s hard, but I have to control my feelings for her.  On the way to Carowinds, we sat so close to each other and talked the whole way.  Our bodies, these shells, pressed together.  Everytime she would laugh, she would lean her head on mine.

But no matter how I feel, I will keep quiet, be her friend, and simply cherish every moment that we spend together.

Truthfully, I don’t have to tell her; we’re both special to each other.

We have a friendship between opposite sexes and yet we sometimes act like we are a couple.  I have a keyhole picture on my key ring with my arm around her that was made at Carowinds.

But that doesn’t matter.  Perhaps I did change the alphabet.  I did move the close to U, only there is one thing between them: T.

Which stands for Time.

We both know that our time here is short.

I will go.

Some of my dreams will grow, others will be shattered.  I will possibly sit close to someone else while Jenna does the same.

We’ve come so far.

Three and a half months left.

Then we will go our separate ways.

As for now, it is time to sleep.  Thank you Jesus for a peaceful sleep.  You always keep me rested.  I love you Lord.  Thank you for everything.

November 2, 1993 – Tuesday – 9:35 p.m.

Retrospect is sort of happening right now.  My mom found my fourth grade yearbook.

Fourth grade!  Nate is in third grade right now.  And I’m a senior.  What happened?  

Everyone goes through this.  Everyone goes through grade school and middle school and high school.  Some even go through college.  They are surrounded by all those people.  All those different dreams.  Each individual with their own past and perception.  And each one shapes the other into who they will be.

Youth.  The shaping of one’s existence.

When I hear adults talk, the one thing that stands out in their conversations is their youth.  Why?

Whatever the reason, it is all happening to me right now.  In fact, half of it has already flown by.

In my life, there are two separate areas of my youth: school and church.

So many people are shaping me during these days.  Their words, their actions, their existence.  The way they smile, the way they make me laugh.  The way they hate me.  The way they love me.

Would I be the same person if Wynne didn’t always give me a hard time at school?  Would I be the same person if I didn’t see Lisa’s beautiful eyes every day?  Would I be the same person if Ryan went to another church?

Obviously, I would be a very different person.  And it works in reverse, too.  I’m affecting the lives of people I encounter every day.  Either positively or negatively.  I wonder which it is?  It’s up to me.  I see that now.  I matter.  Everything I do and say matters.  I can change the entire world simply because I was around some people on this planet during their youth.

Jesus, please help me change it for the better.

August 21, 1993 – Saturday – 11:05 p.m.

This morning I went to singing practice and, of course, Marcus went with me.  Kevin left for college this morning.  It hasn’t hit me that he’s gone, yet.

Then we went shopping and left for Wendy’s house where we were going to make our senior T-shirts for school.  After a very long time of driving around parts of the state I’ve never been, I finally found her house.  Since I go to church in the next county over, I don’t go to school with any of my church friends, and vice versa.  I haven’t seen any of these people all summer.  It was good to see everybody.

Then we left for Ryan’s house.  We met later in the day since skit group was cancelled for no reason at all.  Christi couldn’t make it so Ryan and I worked, while the two of us plus Marcus talked about everything under the sun.  We all went to youth group, and it was so great.  I learned a whole lot.

Andy was there and we talked about writing and stuff.  Then Marcus and I talked and dreamed about the world’s two greatest girls:  Ryan and Christi.

Guess what?  Marcus likes Christi.  It didn’t bother me.  I mean, Christi is still a great person to me and all, but nothing beyond that.  I don’t feel for her the way I feel for Ryan.

Marcus said her and I talked and joked around like we were a couple tonight and it shocked him.  He thought we might have a secret relationship going on that nobody knows about.

The day was great.  A lot more happened that is simply too wonderful to write about here.

Just the simple stuff.  Looks, words, smiles, eyes, etc., etc.  All the things that make life worth living.

I shall go to bed thanking the Lord for the great new memories that I will cherish forever.