April 2, 1995 – Sunday – 1:30 p.m.

I saw Schindler’s List for the first time one year ago today.

I went to see if so I could escape into another world.  Now I live in another world, so very different from the one I knew.

I learn more and more what life is about each day.  I learn that the less I know the smarter I will be.  I don’t know what I’m suppose to make of all this.  I see almost everything in the spiritual realm.  I don’t see my body, but others around me see only this body.  So that is what I am here to do.  I am to show this world the freedom it can have.

That is the main plot of my story.  Jesus died for me.  I will live for him and find my freedom in him.

In this main story there are millions of other little stories.  Stories about individuals; individuals that I grow to love more and more each day.  I guess that is the point of this journal.  To keep track of those individuals.

Jeni was in a car accident last night with Gayle.  Gayle is an Assistant RD and a wonderful Christian.  She was hurt by the airbag, but Jeni is okay.  But still, something worse could have happened.  What if she would have died?  How would I have reacted?

She loved me and I broke her heart.

She wanted to spend the rest of her life with me.

She wanted to marry me.

She wanted to make love to me.

She wanted to be the mother of my children.

She liked me.

She smiled at me.

She loved to hold my hand.

She loved to kiss me.

All my life, that is what I wanted.  Yet, when I got it, I threw it away.

I threw her away.

I let go of her and I told her to let go of me.

And, because she loved me so much, she did.  She gave me what I wanted.

Thank you Jeni.

Thank you for everything.

May the path you walk be full of love.

August 30, 1994 – Tuesday – 7:05 p.m.

I’ve hardly had time to write.  Everything is nonstop.  I’m on my way to an opening convocation or something like that.  Charlie is going to rent Schindler’s List tonight.  Classes start tomorrow.  We had a Performing Arts Major/Minor meeting today.  Everything is hitting me all at once.  I have very little experience.  Nearly everyone else has done theater their entire life.  What did I do?  A few skits in church, a few mime characters in children’s church, the puppet ministry…that’s nothing.

Well, I gotta go.

June 18, 1994 – Saturday – 10:57 p.m.

It was a good day.  A lot happened.

While I was sleeping one of my contacts dried up so I had to throw it away.  I didn’t bring my other ones so I can only see out of one eye.  

Dad and I went to the Virginia Living Museum and I saw two bald eagles.  They were so beautiful.  I saw myself in that bird’s eyes.

We went shopping and I bought a keyboard, bigger than the one I had before.  After that we went to see Schindler’s List at a dollar theater.  It had more effect on me the first time, but at the end I still got chocked up.

I go home Monday.  And Friday I go to Lees-McRae for orientation!  I can’t wait.

I have a wish for that day.  I hope it will come true.

June 11, 1994 – Saturday – 11:21 p.m.

I’m in Virginia.  I’ve had a good time so far.  Dad and I went to the mall.  I bought Sunset Blvd., the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical soundtrack, and Schindler’s List, the book.  Then we went to see Maverick, a western with Mel Gibson.  That was a great movie.

Otherwise I’m a little bored and I hope something more interesting will happen while I’m up here.  The last time I was up here was Christmas.  A lot has happened in the past six months.

Christmas of 1994 will be the next time I’m up here.

And, whew, the next six months will bring all the change in the world.

April 24, 1994 – Sunday – 10:33 p.m.

I feel sort of stupid.  When we came into church this morning, Jenna and Tenielle were there.  I questioned Jenna about it and she said it was just something Tenielle said, but that it wasn’t true.  What was true was that Ginger doesn’t want her daughters going to youth group if Kevin is going to be there.  Ginger feels that since Kevin is in college, he’s told old for youth group and shouldn’t be attending just to talk to girls.  They brought Shurby into this and it is slowing getting taken care of.

Praise the Lord!

And all the worrying yesterday over nothing.  Such is life.

Today I bought the Schindler’s List soundtrack.  It is awesome.

Goodnight.

Thank you Jesus for everything.

April 3, 1994 – Sunday – 9:15 p.m.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter.

Jenna and Tenielle were dressed up this morning.  They are so amazingly beautiful.

After church Marcus and I drove up with Henry to Chapel Hill to get the “On-Call” car he can use when he is on-call.  Marcus and I hung around up there and walked around on Franklin Street.  Then we left and went to the park so I could rollerblade.

At church tonight Tenielle wore her spring dress that she wore this morning.  I sat beside her; she has such a great smile.  We arm wrestled and she beat me.  I must admit, I’m a little weak, but I couldn’t believe she beat me.  We did tie once, so that is something, though I’m not sure how you tie in arm-wrestling, but we did it nonetheless.

There is something about Tenielle, something I’m attracted to.  Something besides how beautiful she is.  I can’t really put a finger on it though.

Marcus and I got along well today.  Whatever I felt towards him as blown over.

It was a great Easter!  I have a full week without school ahead of me.

I have very little money, but you don’t need money to have a good time.

Anne is going back to college tomorrow.  It was good to see her.

The day was nice.  I loved people, I didn’t get upset about anything.  I laughed a lot.  I spent the day with a great friend.  It was windy while I rollerbladed and the wind blew through my hair.  Is there anything better than wind in your hair?

Jenna and Tenielle smiled at me.  Is there anything better than a pretty girl smiling at you?  Or two pretty girls for that matter?

And I smiled at them.  As I see Tenielle now, I know that I have helped change her life.  She used to use bad language and get upset over little things.  Now she prays for people and witnesses to people.  I’ve helped her become who she is now.

One person.

I have changed her world and her world will change others like it has already changed mine.  And I will go on to change others.

I’ve been on this planet for 17 years.

All the love I could have given, but I didn’t.  I didn’t.

Someone could be dead now because of me.

I will love the world by loving one more person.  In time, the world will be saved.

April 2, 1994 – Saturday – 9:05 p.m.

Today went well.

I’m sort of speechless now.  You’ll find out why later.

This morning the youth went out with the Bus Ministry to witness and minister.  It was mostly the youth who went.

I wrote Tenielle back and she read most of the letter while I put her clown makeup on.  It was nice being close to her.  She hugged me one time and some of her makeup robbed off on my shoulder.

Jenna was her regular self today; she was active and laughed a lot.  That’s the Jenna I like.

She told me that I was in one of my moods, which I was, mostly because Marcus was getting on my nerves.  But I’m sure that will blow over soon.

A couple of people got saved today!  Praise God!!

After it was over, I decided it was time.  Time to get away and just appreciate my world again.  I only had one evening, but I did it, and I did it alone.  I literally just went to Greensboro, but truthfully, I went to another world.  A world of the past.  I went to see Schindler’s List.

Needless to say, I appreciate my world again.  Everything looks beautiful to me now.

If you’ve seen this movie, then you’ll understand what I’m saying.

“One more person.”

I cried and cried.  After the movie I left the theater in a trance and stumbled into a Subway and into the restroom.  I just stared at myself in the mirror.  I could hardly move.  I finally made it back to my car and I just sat there for ten minutes with my body shaking and my teeth chattering.

By saving one man, you have saved the whole world in time.

What happens to me doesn’t matter.  There are people out there.  Hurting people who need to find just a little ray of hope.  They need to laugh and smile like I have done these past 17 years.

It’s not fair!  This world is all wrong.  But even in the midst of all the wars and all the evil and all the wrongdoing of man, here I exist.

Me.

One person.

Whose lives have I touched out of the billions that exist?  Whom out of those billions have touched my life?

Change the world!

I can only do that with love.

Love.

A love for everyone.

I appreciate this place again.

My life is too good.

So good, that I have plenty of goodness to give away.

So that’s what I’ll do.

I will give it away!

I will save the world by loving every person I come across.

Nothing else really matters.

All I have to do is love.

April 1, 1994 – Friday – 9:50 p.m.

Happy April Fool’s Day!

I turned my research paper in today.  It felt so good to finish it.  After school I went with Wynne and Mark to a little restraint in Goldston.  Wynne took me home.  I felt a little sick this afternoon, but I got better once I got to work.

Work was a little hectic.  But I got through it.  During work, I, for some reason, felt something that reminded me of how I felt back in the summer of ’93 when I would work on Fridays knowing that tomorrow I’d see Ryan. 

Those Fridays are gone now.

Cheryl tells me Ryan has a boyfriend.  I’m happy for her.  I wonder if she’ll ever come back to church?  Looking back, I wouldn’t have done anything different when it comes to Ryan.  Sure, I could have saved myself a lot of pain, but everyone should get hurt; it helps their character.  I could have done things differently, and saved myself from the hurt, but I would have missed out on great times and memories.

I found my old eighth grade yearbook yesterday.  I thought I had lost it.  It was in my closet. 

Kenny came over last night.  He helps on the track team at Central and this girl asked him to the prom.  He called her from my house last night to tell her ‘yes.’  It was funny watching how nervous he was.  He says he is going to come Skating on Monday night.  It’s Christian Skate Night again!

I called Jonathan yesterday and he said his mom had planned a day for them to go to Myrtle Beach since it was her fiancé’s birthday.  She had made reservations at some place.  I didn’t want to get in the way, so I’m not going.

Jonathan and Vicky broke up.  Jonathan is seeing this girl named Sara who lives in Carthage.

Tomorrow we have a ministry thing starting at 11:00 a.m.  That means no youth group that night and hopefully Henry will let me go to Greensboro to see Schindler’s List.

April has arrived.  Can you believe it?  Jenna told Marcus that she wants me to write her.  I haven’t done it yet.  I got a letter from Tammy yesterday.  She is doing great.  She said she still has a crush on me.  I miss her.  I want to see her again.

Tonight after work I went to Peter’s.  He had this CD with different versions of Canon in D on it.  So I went to buy a tape and I stayed there and recorded a copy.  I love that song so much.

It’s a bummer that I’m not going to the beach.  I need to get away from here for a while.  I need to get away so I can appreciate this place again.

Something must change.  There are 40 days left of school.  Hopefully something will change after that; you know, before it all changes.

My mom got a job today.  It is up in Pittsboro.  We were all happy.  I don’t know what I’m going to do during Spring Break.  Hopefully something will come up.  I’m sort of sick of always having someone with me.  I wish Marcus had his own car.  I can’t do all the stuff I really want to because he is always with me.  Maybe it’s wrong to think this way, but he does get in the way sometimes. 

I can’t wait until Monday; I’m going to skate with the Roller Blades.

Perhaps I’ll clean my closet out this weekend.  No, that will probably hurt too much.

Whether it is for the better or not:  everything has changed.

March 25, 1994 – Friday – 4:30 p.m.

I’ve got to get ready to go to work pretty soon.  It’s finally Friday.

There are 45 days of school left; 3/4 of my senior year has come and gone.

I feel so good right now!!

I can’t put my finger on it but something is going to happen these next five months.  Something Big!  VERY BIG!!!

Spring Break is in a week.  I hope to take Jenna and Tenielle up to Pilot Mountain and I also want to try and see Schindler’s List.  Since there isn’t a movie theater in my town, or in my county for that matter, it is easier said than done.

I’ll be working on my research paper this next week.  I’ll be busy.

I can’t wait until the next Christian Skate Night.  I’m going to borrow Andy’s Roller Blades.

I find those a little easier than the regular skates.  I’m sure my tail bone will thank me.

March 22, 1994 – Tuesday – 12:31 a.m.

The Oscars just went off.  Steven Spielberg’s two movies, Jurassic Park and Schindler’s List, together were nominated for 15 awards.  Ten of those 15 went to his movies.

And tonight Whoopi Goldberg said, “And to the kid sitting at home saying, ‘One day one of those is going to be mine.’ Well, you got it!”

Thanks Whoopi.