May 24, 1995 – Wednesday – 11:11 p.m.

I worked this morning.

I act very crazy at McDonald’s.  I do it on purpose simply to make time go by faster.  But it ends up that I’m having so much fun that I don’t really want to leave and come home.

I learned so much at church tonight.  Pastor Steve is so wonderful.  I’m doing all of this for my sweet Lord!  Everything that this land has given me is fading away.  I sense this world passing by and a new world being born in Banner Elk.  Cheryl seems upset with me.  Even Jenna and Tenielle seem a little distant.  Even though I’m home for the summer, maybe they know I am already gone for good.

I have no one but my Lord.  I give my heart out, but they give it back.  But perhaps that is wise of them, but there is no one here to give it to now.  There is Emily in Florida to give my heart to, and everytime I do I feel it overflowing with the loving power of the Lord!

Set me free Father!

Let me live in the shadow of your wing!

I just want to spend this summer learning more about you!

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September 19, 1994 – Monday – 2:02 p.m.

My religion test was easy.  There was only one question I wasn’t sure of.  Jeni came to the breakfast devotional this morning, so her and Glenda and I prayed about the test.  It worked.

I’m not sure what’s happening between Jeni and I.  A week ago I didn’t even know her name.  Last night, as we sat next to each other at Sharon’s house, she laid her hand by her side and the back of her fingers were touching my leg.  I wanted to reach over and hold her hand, but I didn’t.  I’m not sure how I should feel.

Today after lunch we walked to her dorm and sat outside and talked until my Algebra class.

I got another letter from Cheryl today.

Carowinds is in five days.

That will be so wild.  The High Falls youth group will be there, plus my youth group from back home, and everyone else who is here.

Jeni and Tracey are going as well.

November 26, 1993 – Friday – 9:55 p.m.

I worked tonight, but earlier Kenny came over and we went out to eat and went for a ride.

He lives by himself.  He says he wants to live with a family.  I told him that one thing he wants is the one thing I can’t wait to get away from.

After work Mom said I could go down and see Tammy since she’s back from the rehab place and visiting with Veronica’s family.  But the car messed up so I couldn’t go.  I don’t know what’s wrong with it.

Instead, I simply called Tammy.  She was upset that I couldn’t come.  In her letters she told me that she used to have a crush on me.  So I told her that I used to like her too.

I told her about Rebecca, the Swedish girl I used to like, but don’t anymore because she’s too hard to talk to.  I couldn’t ever be myself talking to her.  I was too uncomfortable.

Tammy says that she feels the same way about Tim.

I’m still going to write her, but I wish I could have seen her.

She says there is so much stuff she wants to tell me.

I’ve taped a prayer list to my little table next to my bed.  I pray for everything on there every day.

Tammy has been added to the list.

September 26, 1993 – Sunday – 7:15 p.m.

The church fellowship was today, so we didn’t have church tonight.

I just skimmed through my first three Books of Days.  I feel so stupid.  When I first started my journal I never wrote much about skit group or youth group; I just wrote about Veronica and she isn’t half as important to me as those memories are now.  Today was so hard after yesterday’s realizations.  I can’t go back and I feel like it’s killing me.  I wish I could make you understand.

The summer of ’93 was great, but the fall, winter, and spring of ’92 and ’93 were far better.

September 12, 1992 to June 5, 1993.

So many complications with Veronica, the one I thought I loved, when the people I truly loved and still love were the group of friends whose company I took for granted.  Most of them are still around and we will continue to have great times, but right now it hurts because I know it will end soon.

Why am I like this Jesus?  Why do memories mean so much to me?

Today a little girl gave a picture to me.  I don’t know when it was taken, but it was after December and before May because Tammy is in the picture.  Jonathan is in there, too.  I realized how much I miss him.

I’m not in the picture, and neither is Marcus, but mostly everyone else is.  Look at us all!  Inseparable friends!  All happy, all smiling, covered in the joy of the Lord.

But the day will come when another group of young people will grow up in that church and we will go our own way.  But, wherever we end up, we all know who we are and whose we are.  Nothing can take that away.

The Lord just showed it to me.  I shouldn’t be sad over this; I should count it all joy.  We are the Endtime Warriors!  We are the Emmanuel Players!  Whether we are together or not, we are family.  Even if we are on the opposite sides of the globe, we will always be one.

We will grow up and never forget our youth and we will love the Lord until the end of our days.

Lord, Make us instruments of your peace,

Where there is hatred, let your love increase

Lord, make us instruments of your peace,

Walls of pride and prejudice shall cease

When we are your instruments of peace.

Where there is hatred, we will show his love

Where there is injury, we will never judge

Where there is striving, we will speak his peace

To the millions crying for release,

We will be his instruments of peace

Where there is blindness, we will pray for sight

Where there is darkness, we will shine his light

Where there is sadness, we will bear their grief

To the millions crying for relief,

We will be your instruments of peace.

Always.

September 17, 1993 – Friday – 8:39 p.m.

I just need to pray.

Father, you are the best thing that has ever come into my life.  Without you I would probably be dead.  I love you God.  I love you Jesus.  And I suppose I love myself, but I sure don’t like myself.

I used to like who I was.  I used to be someone I would actually look up to, but not anymore. I’ve changed, and maybe I can point the finger at these teenage years.  But I don’t want to change.  I want to be the old me.  I want to like myself again.

Recently, I’ve been thinking in ways that I shouldn’t.  I’ve let other things come before my relationship with you.  I don’t want to be like this anymore.

I know you have a plan for my life.  You have called me.  Yet, I know I can’t move on unless I get rid of this pride, this way that I look down on people that are different than me.  I hate it.  I’m upset with myself.  What have I become?

Who I am now is not who I want to be.

I want to like myself again.  No more pride.  No more junk.

Only you.  I want to quit complaining and appreciate life again.  Lord, I repent and ask you to forgive me.  I want to live holy in your presence.  Holy, pure, honest!

I need you God.  Do a work in me.  Change me so I can live with myself and enjoy being around myself.

Please God.

Please.

September 7, 1993 – Tuesday – 9:40 p.m.

I finally got hold of Emily tonight.  We talked for 30 minutes.  She’s doing great and it was so wonderful to hear her voice.

Amy called earlier, she wanted to thank me for taking her home and she wanted to apologize for losing it.  Then Ryan called and she said her mom was going to give her the money to buy a ticket for Les Miserables.  Can you believe it?  She and I will be watching that beautiful performance together.  She will be by my side.  November 19, 1993 will be a night I will never forget.  Thank you Jesus.

Can something actually be happening?

Is there something between us?

Whether there is or not doesn’t really matter. She will still be important to me.  And she will always be my friend.

August 20, 1993 – Friday – 11:25 p.m.

Tonight at work I did something so funny.  After I got off, I went up to the counter and ordered a hamburger with extra cheese.  You know, as opposed to just ordering a cheeseburger.  I knew the woman running the cashier so she played along.  The grill order went back and John, the manager, picked it up.

Now John is the man.  He knows what he is doing every second and around every corner.  You don’t mess with John because he can run the whole place with one hand tied around his back.

So John picks up the order and calls out to his crew, “Hamburger, extra cheese!” without giving it a second thought.  Now John is supposed to have it all together and when he said that the place just died laughing.  He tried to cover it up, but it was so funny.

School starts in 56 hours.

Wow!

Two days of summer are left.

Tomorrow, I’m going to singing practice, then the swimming shindig, then shopping, then to Ryan’s house for children’s church practice, then to skit practice, then to youth group, and then home.  Sunday is church!  Then school.  Oh boy.

But to tell the truth, I’m actually looking forward to it.