January 7, 1998 – Wednesday – 4:20 p.m.

I finished reading Hinds’ Feet on High Places today; such an amazing book.  And last night, I returned to the same Bible study that Marcus and I went to on Friday night, only this time I went alone.

God manifested himself to me.  He spoke a word to me concerning that which has been heavy on my heart.  He told me to love those who would not love me back.  He said he had put me in a place to love and I should do only that.

For some reason, one I can’t explain, Sarah’s love doesn’t seem to be there as much as it once did.  Maybe it is my own thinking, but Sunday there was something in her eyes, something in her voice, and it just wasn’t real and true.

So, that word from the Lord was amazing!  My time is short and for these final hours at Lees-McRae, God needs me to love Sarah.  I do not know why.  I may never see the fruit of the constant seeds I will be planting, but I hope to selflessly give.

I see more and more how God uses other people to bring us to the place he has prepared for us.  We are not meant to go it alone.  He designed for us to be in relationship with those around us.  It is supposed to hurt, it is supposed to bless, it is supposed to comfort.

May 7, 1997 – Wednesday – 9:20 a.m.

Okay, let’s be honest.  I’m 20-years-old.  I am single.  I am not married.  I’ve only had two “so-called” girlfriends: Veronica and Jeni.  I’m not even sure Veronica counts (I kissed her once on the hand and once on the cheek), but our relationship felt more in God’s will than my relationship with Jeni.  Jeni and I never had sex, but my hands touched nearly every inch of her bare skin.

In this day and age, sex is everywhere.  My body longs to be intimate and sensual.  I fight it every day.  Nude women seem to fill up magazines and billboards.  It’s so hard to quench my desires.  I thank God that he hasn’t provided another girlfriend for me these past two years; I probably wouldn’t have been able to handle it.

I have dreamed in this journal of my other half, my other self, or the other side of me.  I see now, that doesn’t exist.  I’ve learned that I alone have a purpose.  Two halves never make a whole; only a whole person in Christ and another whole person in Christ will make two people wholly each other in marriage.

I am me and Jesus has made me whole.  In Him, I am pure.  If God longs to place me in a relationship, then it will be done in his timing.  Love is too strong and it will kill me if I try to force it into being.  I must let love grow on its own.