August 25, 2000 – Friday – 12:45 p.m.

Four months until Christmas!

I’m at a baseball field near the park that’s closest to my job.  I’m looking forward to the Counting Crows concert in Virginia Beach tonight.

I talked to both Curtis and Dan last night and I finally began writing out the plot for a feature screenplay I’m calling Winter Dreams.

In one week I’ll be in Banner Elk again.  Dan says I can stay at his new place, even while he and Abigail are on their honeymoon.

I often think about my friends being married.

Curtis, Allen, Charlie, Dan.  They all got married this year.  Vince and I remain, but he’s content in Bolivia.

I am… I don’t know how I am these days.

What is it that I do?

I’m supposed to be making movies, but am I doing that?

No.  I’m supposed to be worshipping God, but am I doing that?

I’m just sitting on bleachers feeling sorry for myself.  I haven’t sat on bleachers since Marie spoke the worst words over me I’ve ever heard.  I’m glad that relationship is over.  In retrospect it feels so unreal, fake, and empty.

Why does love die?  Does that mean it was never love?

I guess so.

So I’ve never really loved?  Is that it?

Then why does it feel like I have?  Perhaps it is just because God is in me.

I love my friends.  They are scattered all over the world now.

So, Everything after August is coming to be.  Another beautiful autumn.

Noisy bugs surround me now.  I guess I’m doing okay, for not everyone notices the music of crickets.  So, I’ll get up from here and walk on.  I deserve nothing I’m given, and I’ll do my best to breathe freely.

November 2, 1993 – Tuesday – 9:35 p.m.

Retrospect is sort of happening right now.  My mom found my fourth grade yearbook.

Fourth grade!  Nate is in third grade right now.  And I’m a senior.  What happened?  

Everyone goes through this.  Everyone goes through grade school and middle school and high school.  Some even go through college.  They are surrounded by all those people.  All those different dreams.  Each individual with their own past and perception.  And each one shapes the other into who they will be.

Youth.  The shaping of one’s existence.

When I hear adults talk, the one thing that stands out in their conversations is their youth.  Why?

Whatever the reason, it is all happening to me right now.  In fact, half of it has already flown by.

In my life, there are two separate areas of my youth: school and church.

So many people are shaping me during these days.  Their words, their actions, their existence.  The way they smile, the way they make me laugh.  The way they hate me.  The way they love me.

Would I be the same person if Wynne didn’t always give me a hard time at school?  Would I be the same person if I didn’t see Lisa’s beautiful eyes every day?  Would I be the same person if Ryan went to another church?

Obviously, I would be a very different person.  And it works in reverse, too.  I’m affecting the lives of people I encounter every day.  Either positively or negatively.  I wonder which it is?  It’s up to me.  I see that now.  I matter.  Everything I do and say matters.  I can change the entire world simply because I was around some people on this planet during their youth.

Jesus, please help me change it for the better.