June 14, 1994 – Tuesday – 7:32 p.m.

I’ve calmed down some, but I’m still hurt.

I’ll never look at him the same way again.  I thought about taking everything and throwing it all away.  When he find that it is gone, he won’t have the gut to say something to me.  He knows he is in the wrong.

I don’t think I have the guts to do that though.  It will make him think though.

What happened to this world?  Why can’t everything be pure?  I brought my photo album to show my dad my life, but every girl he sees he probably imagines them naked.  There’s no way I’m going to let him think that way about my friends.

Sorry dad, but you have completely lost your son’s respect.  In fact, I don’t even like call you dad.

Will I tell anyone?  Should I tell Kevin?

No, why ruin his picture of his dad by telling him the truth about our father.

But he is 43.  He has to be his own man.  He must make his own decisions.  He has fallen from God, he doesn’t go to church, and he has a demon of lust living in him.  He complains constantly about everything.  He lives with his parents.  What a loser!

He is my father, but I am nothing like him.  I have his nose and that’s about it.

June 14, 1994 – Tuesday – 4:19 p.m.

I can’t believe this!  MY DAD!!!  NO!!!!

MY DAD DOES NOT DO STUFF LIKE THAT!

NOT MY DAD!!!  This can’t be happening!!!!

Let me calm down and tell you since I probably can’t tell anyone else.

We rented two movies this morning after dad and I went fishing.  My Life and The Man Without a Face.  I watched them both while dad went to work and my grandparents were at a funeral.  I liked both the movies.  After I watched them both I went into my dad’s room just looking for something to do.  I don’t know why, but I picked up his briefcase next to his bed…

Before I go any into any more detail I guess I should say that there is always something I suspected of my dad; several years ago I was looking for some chess pieces in his closet and I found a game for his computer.  It was strip poker.  It was in a box under some towels.  I was a little startled, but thought nothing of it and tried to forget about it.  Ever since then, I thought that maybe my dad was a little, well, for lack of a better word, perverted and that maybe he liked looking at dirty pictures.  Over the years I guess I occasionally went through his stuff just to prove myself wrong.  I figured if I never found anything like that game again, then he wasn’t perverted, but that he was “clean.”

But today, when I when I glanced inside his briefcase I found dozens and dozens of dirty pictures and papers and magazines and brochures and just junk.  JUNK!!!  I couldn’t believe it.  There were pictures of women sucking men’s you know whats and pictures of chains of people having sex.

I seriously got sick to my stomach.  I put it all back and cried my eyes out.

My dad was no longer a wonderful person.  “You idiot!  What are you doing?!”  I cried over and over.

What do I do?  Do I say something?  I don’t ever want to stay here.  

I wanted to run.  

I want to keep myself pure.

What do I do?  What do I say?  I hate this!!

He won’t change unless he has something to lose.  Or should I just love him and encourage him to believe that he doesn’t need that stuff.

I want to go home.

I don’t want to see him again.

I want to leave and live in my innocence and bliss.  I want to go back to my church and my Jenna and my everyone.  

My life.  

My clean life.

I don’t know what to do.  Please God.  Please give me the answer.

September 17, 1993 – Friday – 8:39 p.m.

I just need to pray.

Father, you are the best thing that has ever come into my life.  Without you I would probably be dead.  I love you God.  I love you Jesus.  And I suppose I love myself, but I sure don’t like myself.

I used to like who I was.  I used to be someone I would actually look up to, but not anymore. I’ve changed, and maybe I can point the finger at these teenage years.  But I don’t want to change.  I want to be the old me.  I want to like myself again.

Recently, I’ve been thinking in ways that I shouldn’t.  I’ve let other things come before my relationship with you.  I don’t want to be like this anymore.

I know you have a plan for my life.  You have called me.  Yet, I know I can’t move on unless I get rid of this pride, this way that I look down on people that are different than me.  I hate it.  I’m upset with myself.  What have I become?

Who I am now is not who I want to be.

I want to like myself again.  No more pride.  No more junk.

Only you.  I want to quit complaining and appreciate life again.  Lord, I repent and ask you to forgive me.  I want to live holy in your presence.  Holy, pure, honest!

I need you God.  Do a work in me.  Change me so I can live with myself and enjoy being around myself.

Please God.

Please.