April 17, 1994 – Sunday – 10:37 p.m.

Today was total joy!

Joy given by God!

But since I keep a Book of Days, I must focus on all days, even yesterday.

We had skit group practice yesterday at 10:00 a.m.  But before I explain that I must tell you that Friday after work I had to watch the two kids in Bonlee.  Their names are Joseph and Andrew by the way.  I called Tenielle after they were asleep.  We had a good talk, but in the end she began complaining and saying that I had a problem with pride and ego.  That is her opinion and I told her thank you for sharing it with me.  I’ve prayed about it and the Lord told me I don’t have a problem.

Saturday morning, Jenna and Tenielle showed up for skit practice, plus other people like Cheryl, Marcus, Tim, Wayne, Kevin, myself, and others.  I was directing a skit that I wrote.   But as before, since I am just regular old Jacob, no one gave me the respect I felt I deserved and no one listened.  I asked Pastor Steve to help out.  Everyone listened then.  It hurt.  It hurt a lot.

No one cares.

After we finally got finished with the skit, we helped wash the two buses.  Both Jenna and Tenielle asked me what was wrong.  I told them I’d be okay in a few months.  What I meant by that was when I go off to college, no one will know me so they will show me some respect.

I didn’t tell them that though.  They were mad at me for some reason and for the reason that I asked Pastor Steve for his help, so he gave everyone a lecture on respect and listening and made them all look stupid.

Both Jenna and Tenielle hung around Kevin all day.  I guess when Kevin rolled his eyes that time, it was just a cover up, because he sure didn’t seem to mind Tenielle hanging all over him all day.

Kevin came back with a friend for college who stayed the weekend with us.

Myself, Marcus, Scott, Joel, Joel’s nephew, Wayne, Cheryl, Jenna, Tenielle, Kevin, and his friend all went to San-Lee Park.

Jenna and Tenielle drove with Kevin and his friend in his friend’s Camaro.

Where Kevin was, Tenielle was.

I was supposed to drive them home after the bus washing thing, but instead they went to the park with us.  Afterwards, when we all left Kevin and his friend volunteered to take Jenna and Tenielle home, but their mom got really upset because she didn’t know where they had been.  Their mom said the next time she would charge Kevin with kidnapping and that I was the only one who can bring them home.  And even though Kevin is my brother, she didn’t care.  Their mom only trusts me.

A lot more happened yesterday, but it doesn’t matter anymore.  Jenna and Tenielle are just two friends who are mad at me simply because they are immature.  I’m wasting my time.  I’ll love them, but I will not give them my heart.

This will blow over though and we will laugh together at least once.

Today, however, was a day of total laughter, but it wasn’t with Jenna and Tenielle.

Marcus and I went to Cheryl’s house then we met Scott and Wayne and Ryan and Amy and went to Jordan Lake where we met up with Joel and his two nephews.  We had a great time.  Church tonight was amazing.

What matters is my calling.  I can’t fool around with my emotions.  I must look forward.  I can’t let other people slow me down.

I called Brandon this morning.  I asked him if he ever thought about this place.  He said, “not really.”  He doesn’t live in the past.  He focuses on where he is and where he is going.

I will do that soon.

Brandon, I too will soon leave this place and go to another place, almost a mile high into the air, like Prescott, Arizona.

September 17, 1993 – Friday – 8:39 p.m.

I just need to pray.

Father, you are the best thing that has ever come into my life.  Without you I would probably be dead.  I love you God.  I love you Jesus.  And I suppose I love myself, but I sure don’t like myself.

I used to like who I was.  I used to be someone I would actually look up to, but not anymore. I’ve changed, and maybe I can point the finger at these teenage years.  But I don’t want to change.  I want to be the old me.  I want to like myself again.

Recently, I’ve been thinking in ways that I shouldn’t.  I’ve let other things come before my relationship with you.  I don’t want to be like this anymore.

I know you have a plan for my life.  You have called me.  Yet, I know I can’t move on unless I get rid of this pride, this way that I look down on people that are different than me.  I hate it.  I’m upset with myself.  What have I become?

Who I am now is not who I want to be.

I want to like myself again.  No more pride.  No more junk.

Only you.  I want to quit complaining and appreciate life again.  Lord, I repent and ask you to forgive me.  I want to live holy in your presence.  Holy, pure, honest!

I need you God.  Do a work in me.  Change me so I can live with myself and enjoy being around myself.

Please God.

Please.