November 2, 1993 – Tuesday – 9:35 p.m.

Retrospect is sort of happening right now.  My mom found my fourth grade yearbook.

Fourth grade!  Nate is in third grade right now.  And I’m a senior.  What happened?  

Everyone goes through this.  Everyone goes through grade school and middle school and high school.  Some even go through college.  They are surrounded by all those people.  All those different dreams.  Each individual with their own past and perception.  And each one shapes the other into who they will be.

Youth.  The shaping of one’s existence.

When I hear adults talk, the one thing that stands out in their conversations is their youth.  Why?

Whatever the reason, it is all happening to me right now.  In fact, half of it has already flown by.

In my life, there are two separate areas of my youth: school and church.

So many people are shaping me during these days.  Their words, their actions, their existence.  The way they smile, the way they make me laugh.  The way they hate me.  The way they love me.

Would I be the same person if Wynne didn’t always give me a hard time at school?  Would I be the same person if I didn’t see Lisa’s beautiful eyes every day?  Would I be the same person if Ryan went to another church?

Obviously, I would be a very different person.  And it works in reverse, too.  I’m affecting the lives of people I encounter every day.  Either positively or negatively.  I wonder which it is?  It’s up to me.  I see that now.  I matter.  Everything I do and say matters.  I can change the entire world simply because I was around some people on this planet during their youth.

Jesus, please help me change it for the better.

August 14, 1993 – Saturday – 11:57 p.m.

Boy, am I tired.

Everything went pretty much like I had planned today.  It was nice.

Singing practice was cancelled because the church had to get ready for the wedding.

It was great, really beautiful.  They even played Canon in D.  But it finished this time and only one person was on my mind.  All the notes seemed like the first one.

They had a lot of wonderful food there and I ate all I could.

At youth group, we just had a bit of a cookout for Kevin and Anne since they were leaving for college soon.

In a week, my brother will be gone.  Out of the house.

After the wedding, I went with Jonathan and we rode around.  He had to do a few things around town.  He even stopped by Kate’s and caught her with another guy.  Jonathan was P.O.ed.  That situation still isn’t any better.

Before, only Marcus and I had planned on going to the zoo, but now the whole youth group is going with us on Wednesday.

Ryan has never been, she’s looking forward to it.

August 12, 1993 – Thursday – 7:30 a.m.

In this entry I’ll just write down what I have planned for the next four days and we’ll see if everything went as planned.

Today, I plan on mowing the whole yard.  Then tonight I’ll call Danny and see if we can go to a movie.

Tomorrow, I’m going to Ryan’s house at 11:00 a.m. to rehearse for Children’s Church.  Once we are done, we’ll go to Anne and Cheryl’s to swim in their pool.  Then I work that night.

Saturday, I have singing practice in the morning and at 2:00 p.m. is Michelle’s wedding. Skit and Youth Group is at 6:00 p.m.

Sunday morning is church, of course, and then we are going to have a church fellowship at Kiwanis Park in the afternoon.  No church that night.

At some point next week, I plan on going to the zoo, but I don’t know how that will work out.

The 21st is the senior swimming party and that is also when Kevin and Danny leave for college.

The 17th is my birthday!

School starts on the 23rd.

My summer ends in 12 days!!

We’ll see how it goes and what I make of it.

August 11, 1993 – Wednesday – 12:04 p.m.

I just got off the phone with Jonathan.  He still goes with Vicky, but he and Kate still see each other.

I asked him if he had to choose, who would it be.  He couldn’t answer.

He just doesn’t see it.  He doesn’t see how he is missing out.  He is so mixed up in sex and who he is really in love with, if he is in love at all, that he misses out on the girl herself.

I knew this was going to happen.  I know Jonathan.  I know him more than he thinks I know him.  He is a con artist.  He is out there for himself.

But slowly, he is changing.  He is maturing and realizing that there is more to life than serving himself.

I saw all of this coming long before he did.  And it is now time for me to admit that when he and Christi liked each other in October of ’92 that I didn’t accidentally ruin it for them.  No, I did it on purpose.  I knew that Christi didn’t know what she was getting herself wrapped up in.

I cared about her a lot, I have known her a long time.  She was practically my sister.  And Jonathan would have to answer to me if I didn’t ruin it for them and he ended up hurting her.

I remember back in November when Christi and I were talking about being in love and past relationships.  After that conversation I remember whispering to myself, “Christi, Christi, you and I are so busy looking for something in other people, that we don’t even see it in each other.”

August 2, 1993 – Monday – 8:50 p.m.

I worked tonight and Tina was there.  She said that her daughter was staying up late and that she couldn’t get up early enough to work at the other place she was working, so she was gonna stick with McDonald’s.

John, a manager, came up while she was talking to me.  She said, “You know John, if you take Jacob out of a McDonald’s Uniform and put him in some decent clothes, he is very sexy!  I saw him the other night, he was all dressed up, and Jacob, let me tell you, you looked sexy!”

To my memory that is the first time someone who is not related to me has said something like that.  I never thought of myself as sexy.

My senior year starts in about 20 days.


I’ve come so far.  Yet, my whole life is still ahead of me.