August 11, 1993 – Wednesday – 12:04 p.m.

I just got off the phone with Jonathan.  He still goes with Vicky, but he and Kate still see each other.

I asked him if he had to choose, who would it be.  He couldn’t answer.

He just doesn’t see it.  He doesn’t see how he is missing out.  He is so mixed up in sex and who he is really in love with, if he is in love at all, that he misses out on the girl herself.

I knew this was going to happen.  I know Jonathan.  I know him more than he thinks I know him.  He is a con artist.  He is out there for himself.

But slowly, he is changing.  He is maturing and realizing that there is more to life than serving himself.

I saw all of this coming long before he did.  And it is now time for me to admit that when he and Christi liked each other in October of ’92 that I didn’t accidentally ruin it for them.  No, I did it on purpose.  I knew that Christi didn’t know what she was getting herself wrapped up in.

I cared about her a lot, I have known her a long time.  She was practically my sister.  And Jonathan would have to answer to me if I didn’t ruin it for them and he ended up hurting her.

I remember back in November when Christi and I were talking about being in love and past relationships.  After that conversation I remember whispering to myself, “Christi, Christi, you and I are so busy looking for something in other people, that we don’t even see it in each other.”

August 8, 1993 – Sunday – 2:38 p.m.

This past weekend taught me something, but I’m not really sure what that is yet.  Hopefully, this entry will help me realize it.

Saturday morning we got up at 4:30 a.m. and left for Virginia.  I slept practically all the way up there.  Just knowing I wasn’t near home felt good and I slept with the greatest peace.

The next thing I know, we are pulling into Grandpa’s driveway.  I got my stuff and went inside.

There was my dad!  My dad!  Not Henry, but MY DAD!

I hugged him.  It was so good to see him.

He had to go into work at noon.  He has a small job at a golf course.  I went with him and helped him drive the golf carts from the garage to the clubhouse and back and wash them.

The people there called me, “Little Brian.”  Brian is my dad’s name, in case you didn’t figure that out.

I had fun and at 2:30 my dad drove me over to the movie theater.  I saw Sleepless in Seattle.  But, before the movie started, I was sitting in the theater listening to the classical music that was playing over the speakers.

And guess what song came on?

Canon in D.

That’s right.  The first note struck me like a sword.  It is still my favorite song.

Remember back in March when I wrote the following back in my first Book of Days:

I went to court this morning.  It was embarrassing.  I was a bit nervous.  I, for the second time, heard my heart beat like a knock on a door.  I felt it beating throughout my whole body, down in my toes.  The first time I remember that happening was back in the days when I liked Ryan.  I was on the railroad tracks and I was listening to “Canon in D.”  I had a Walkman.  I was thinking of Ryan.  I don’t remember that ever happening with Veronica.

Once the song began, Ryan immediately came into my mind.  I saw her face and I wished she was sitting next to me.

It didn’t come true.

Then I thought of another girl.

Christi.

Again I wished, and again it didn’t come true.  Those two girls floated through my mind as the song continued to play.  I thought about the things we shared in the past and the things we joke about now.

I thought I was over Ryan.  Now I don’t know.

But then another girl surprising came back into the picture.

Veronica.

I remembered the night we went to see Aladdin.  I held her hand.  She laid her head on my shoulder.

I miss her.  But I don’t want her back.

I wish I could find someone to be that close to again.

Suddenly my mind was flooded with every girl I had ever liked.  Ryan, Christi, Veronica, Lisa, Anita, Emily, the blonde haired girl in second grade, Andrea… but mainly Ryan and Christi.

Then BANG!  The previews started and the song was cut off.  It didn’t finish.  The Canon wasn’t over.

There was still more to go.

More music.

And then I realized the music was the girls.  Canon in D was cut off at now and there was more music to come.  I just couldn’t hear it.  Not yet anyway.

My Canon isn’t finished yet.

But deep down, I’m hoping the final note is the same as the first note, or even the second note.