December 28, 1998 – Monday – 8:17 a.m.

I went to see Emily yesterday.  She looked different; she looked like Cheryl.  We sat out by her lake and talked, we drove around to meet the rest of her family and talked, and we went to a park in Crestview where we sat on top of an A-frame jungle gym and did the only thing we know how to do… talk.

We live in two separate worlds.  She is sun and I moon.  She is a fish and I am a bird.  How can we ever be together?  As sad as it may sound, I believe I have only been in love with the idea of Emily these past five years, for who she is in my mind is more amazing than who she is in person.  It is my perception that makes her so special and beautiful.

We may go out to a movie tonight, I am not sure.

But I have found contentment in our relationship.  This mysterious gift God has given to me through her these past five years has helped me endure some rough days.  Perhaps in some way I have been the same thing for her.  Perhaps that is our destiny for each other, to learn how God sees everyone as perfect, even when we are not.

Oh, how life brings many joys.

These have been relaxing days.  I’ve just been playing Zelda on the 64 during most of my free time.  It’s called Ocarina of Time, and it is the most wonderful game I have ever played.  It has been fantastic to just be free of all other work and just play that game.

I am looking forward to seeing Christin again.  She is a joy to me.  Bless her tonight oh Lord.

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December 27, 1998 – Sunday – 8:49 a.m.

I was unable to see Emily yesterday, so mom and Nate and I drove all the way to New Orleans.  We drove through Alabama and Mississippi on our way to Louisiana.  I believe that means I’ve been in a total of 19 states now.  The trees around Biloxi were beautiful, and New Orleans was enormous.  The people there have their own stories and I didn’t get to hear a single one.

Nate got the new Zelda game for the Nintendo 64 for Christmas.  I’ve enjoyed playing that.

We are going to Brownsville in the morning for church, then I’m going to see Emily.  And we shall see how this turns out…again.  I give you tomorrow God.  Do what you will with Emily and me.

I am yours.

We are yours.

Be with Christin.  Be with Sterling.  Be with Kimberly.  I miss them.

 

December 25, 1998 – Friday – 8:03 a.m.

It’s Christmas Day.  I’m in my parent’s RV.

On Wednesday night, Christin and I went to see You’ve Got Mail after church.  Then we went back to my apartment.  I needed to finish packing, then go spend the night at her house so she and her parents could drive me to the airport early the next morning.  While over at my apartment, she laid on my bed, I played some music, and then sat down next to her and put my arm around her.  She laid her head on my chest and we shared a few brief moments of eternal beauty together.  I just watched her and ran my fingers across the curves of her face.  She is beautiful.

We played Nintendo when we got to her house.  She is so much fun and so good to me.

Both of my flights were delayed due to the weather, but I finally arrived in Pensacola.  I talked to Kevin last night.  I miss him.  We are about to open presents.

Happy Birthday Jesus!

December 13, 1998 – Sunday – 1:57 p.m.

Our tech rehearsal went well at church yesterday.  I gave some great moving speech and then everyone did a perfect job.  We open on Friday.

Last night was a wonderful evening.  I had a little slumber party with Christin and Sterling, we stayed up late and watched Seven Years in Tibet and Titanic.  What a delightful time we had.  They dressed me up as a girl and we even played the new Zelda game!

We stayed up until two in the morning.  That was my 7th time watching Titanic and it’s only been out one year.

A year ago I was holding Sarah, but last night Christin laid her beautiful face on a pillow she had placed upon my chest and I ran my fingers through her hair.

It’s been a good year.

June 9, 1998 – Tuesday – 2:00 p.m.

After church on Sunday I went to visit Jenna and Tenielle.  Jenna was at home, but Tenielle was at work.  Jenna was still beautiful and very nice to me.  Tenielle was rude and kept saying I never called or wrote to her.

“I’m here now,” I said, but she didn’t care.  I’ll try to see them again at least once before I leave.

I talked to Cheryl for a decent amount of time at church on Sunday night.  She is doing really well, and I’m super glad to see that.  However she said that Ryan and Amy weren’t doing really well spiritually.

Peter came over yesterday.  We played Nintendo, just like the good old days.  Sarah called that even saying that Jessi was going to come see her and they were driving up to the mountains to visit, which is exactly what I am doing with Lindy (as far as I know).

Marcus came to visit last night and stayed until midnight.  Right after he left, Emily called and we talked for exactly four hours straight.  Both of us laughed, and both of us cried.  We complemented each other.  She was so good to me.  I talked to her about Sarah and she talked to me about Brandon and how much she was hurting.  I tried to explain to her how I was trying to handle Sarah and I since I was leaving.  I told her how honest I was with her.

Emily said I was doing everything right.  She said she could just go on with her life, just knowing that I was alive.  She says I do so much for her, but all I do is exist.  I just exist, but that is all that she wants.  She only wants me to alive, healthy, and happy.  Is that the truest kind of love?

As I was talking to Emily, I accidentally called her Sarah.  Oops.  It seems Emily and I have a perfect relationship.  We stand in awe of how amazing it is.

Thank you God.

Why did you give me so many amazing relationships?

September 2, 1997 – Tuesday – 11:11 p.m.

Yesterday afternoon Dan and I went hiking on the backside of Grandfather Mountain.  It was really beautiful and peaceful.

Curtis is coming back to school.  I guess his visit up here was really great.  He learned where his heart lives.

I took my first voice lesson today and my teacher seemed really impressed with me.

I hardly have any homework these days.  I have a lot of free time.  Dan and I play Tetris 2 a lot and I’ve been reading more than usual.

Sherlive is over here now, using my word processor.

September 2nd again.

And now it’s ending.

April 11, 1997 – Thursday – 1:30 p.m.

Yesterday, Abigail and I made small conversation at lunch.  We laughed and smiled, even cracked a few jokes on each other.   Nearly three weeks until she is gone.

Vince and I went to Boone after lunch and I bought some T-shirts and a CD.  We had a lot of fun.  The dance concert was last night and we went to Bible Study after that.

Dan, Allen, and I played F-Zero until 12:30 in the morning.  We do that a lot and laugh the whole time.  Vince now buys his clothes according to Laura’s favorite color.  Curtis has never been more likable and lovable.  He has grown and changed.  He has found himself and he’s moving on to share that understanding with others.

Jeni still cries over David.  Tracey and I will work together over the summer; Timothy and Ann-Marie will be here too.  Jessica is my favorite girl here.  We have so much fun together.  She is going to Colorado for the summer.

I think that Josh is the one that keeps us all alive however.  He’s so small in frame, yet so much in laughs.

I interviewed for the Assistant Resident Director position for next year, and I’m currently planning a water gun assassination game.  It starts Monday.

 

December 31, 1996 – Tuesday – 7:30 p.m.

Three years, four hours, and thirty-five minutes until the year 2000.

I went to high falls Sunday night.  It was really fun.  Kenny, Dana, and Bradley were there.  We had a discussion about the way the Bible encouraged us to view certain topics versus the way the world encouraged us to view them.  Dana told me afterwards that she was impressed by my faith in what I know and believe.  She said that I appeared very sure of everything, sure of myself, sure of God.  She said when I spoke there was no doubt in my eyes or in my voice.  Then she said she wished she had that confidence.

I simply said “Thank you.”  But I don’t know why it is easy for me and not for others.

We played Uno, then went over to Dana’s house to eat Spaghetti.

I worked on Monday, then slept most of the evening.  Mike and I then rented some movies and then played on his Nintendo 64.   That thing is so cool!

I came back here and stayed up until 2:00 a.m. watching Joe Versus the Volcano.  I worked this morning, then this evening I watched the THS widescreen uncut version of The Abyss.  It was so amazing.

I plan to leave around 9:00 p.m. and go to Sanford to Christi’s party.  I will go alone.  Marcus decided to spend New Years in Greensboro with some friends.

December 15, 1996 – Sunday – 2:20 p.m.

Last night, Peter and Timothy came over.  We just talked.  Peter and I talked about old times, playing Nintendo and Transformers, that sort of thing.

Church was good this morning.  It was good to see Marcus.  Tenielle didn’t show up.  After church, Marcus and I went out to eat and then stopped to see Ryan and Amy.  Ryan and I talked about our two very different schools, even though they are only 17 miles apart.  Her eyes and smile are still beautiful.

We didn’t stay long, she told me to give her a call so we could do something over the break.  That shocked me.  Amy has a ring through her nose, that also shocked me.

I hugged them both.

Perhaps we will never say goodbye.

July 26, 1996 – Friday – 7:45 p.m.

After my entry earlier today I went to help Craig load some blankets into a van.  I came back to my room and played Nintendo.  While playing I received a phone call.

“Hello?”

“Jacob, hi!”

It was her.

She didn’t call for tickets.  She called to say hi and to talk.  She was getting ready to go to work at The Farm House.  I asked her for her number.  She gave it to me.  She asked me to call her later in a couple of days and we would try to get together.

I need a female friend.

I want it to be her.