October 21, 1993 – Thursday – 4:30 p.m.

I want to go to heaven.

I wish Ryan could go with me.

We could be free together.

Things have been rough these past few days.  Yesterday I had an Orthodontist appointment at 11:00 a.m.  Henry was supposed to pick me up at 10:30 a.m. from school.  I can’t leave unless he comes to sign me out.  He didn’t know that and he stayed in the car for 40 minutes.  At 11:10 he decided to come in and get me for my 11:00 appointment.  And he often brags about his intelligence.  I said I wasn’t going to the appointment, that I would reschedule, and he agreed but got really upset about it.

The water in our well has been low this past week and it must have been my mom’s time of the month.  They bought me a car.  It’s a Toyota.  A 1980 something.  They said they got it because they want me to be home by 3:00 to watch Nate.  They still give me all these lectures and rules and junk that they just say to hear themselves talk and have power.

Other stuff has happened.  Stuff that, at least according to them, is my fault.  And Henry is upset with me because he doesn’t think it is right for me to have a car when I have totaled two cars in the past year.  It’s not that I’m a bad driver.  I just can’t drive well while I’m eating or sleeping.

Hopefully things will turn around and be okay.  Nothing majorly bad is happening, just nothing good is happening.

At church last night, I felt so wonderful.  I feel so loved at church.  I don’t feel loved at home, but I know I am.

Emily hasn’t written me back in about three weeks.  My dad hasn’t called.  I wish I could see Brandon.

At school there is this guy named David.  I was talking to him about this girl who always stares at him in the hall.  He is going out with the Student Council President, a fox.  Well, I just got to thinking: the only girls who have ever liked me have been girls I’ve had no interest in talking to or looking at.  Except one.  Her name was Veronica, but she was younger and well, that must say something about a guy.

It hurts in a way.  I don’t think there is anything wrong with me.

I like me.  I just wish somebody would love me.


August 4, 1993 – Wednesday – 2:21 p.m.

Yesterday mom wanted me to take Nate to the library.  I did, and then afterwards we went to the park and swang or swung, uh, well we went swinging.  It was fun.

That simple joy made my day.  After that I drove up an old dirt road that took me to the forest up above where I used to live.  Those woods were my playground in my youth.  There were two deep gullies that Danny, Peter, Kevin, and myself used to play in.  There were also these enormous rocks we would climb.

It has been six years since I played there.

Yesterday, as I stood on those large rocks, I spoke to my old playground.  I know it sounds crazy, but this is what I said:  “Thank you for letting me and my friends play here.  But the priorities of my life have changed now.  I have to move on to live a life of work and love.”

That’s what I said, isn’t that strange.  I’m weird.

But I still know those woods like the back of my hand.  I easily found my playground after six years.  It was still there and is waiting for another little group of friends to come and enjoy the deep gullies and large rocks.

I’m sure I’ll return again one day and stand on that rock and once again say, “Thank you.”