September 26, 2000 – Tuesday – 9:52 p.m.

Each day is somehow filled with making movies. I love what I do for Forefront, it’s hard to even call it work. It’s absolutely wonderful.

I leave for Grundy, VA tomorrow. It is very close to Kentucky, a state that I haven’t visited since September of ’97 I believe. Hopefully we’ll cross the state line.

Life is rather simple in these flat, coastal lands. I just kind of go with the flow of everything, knowing I own nothing, and nothing lasts forever save the love of God.

The air was much cooler today. It was lovely. And I’ve discovered a new artist, singer/songwriter Dar Williams. I bought her latest album today.

As September ends I’ll be in a part of the Appalachian Mountains I’ve never been in before. It’s difficult to describe the freedom I’ve been experiencing these days. There simply a beauty in the everydayness.

Jesus is revealing new truths to me about humanity, and what is truly important.

I thank him for that.

September 22, 2000 – Friday – 3:30 p.m.

Many days have passed since my last journal entry. Let me try to sum up what has happened.

I began working at Forefront, so I’ve been around many of the staff: Rolon, Kevin, Chris, Matt, Christi, and sometimes Vince and Joe.

While on a location scout for ‘The Accuser,’ a five-minute short film the university is paying for, I got in a car accident because the dudes in the back told me to take an immediate left, and I did, right into a fish truck that was coming up behind me. I have a nice huge dent on the left side, but no one was hurt.

I’ve been swamped with production both at Regent and for Forefront. I’ve got two 16mm films in the works now, as well as two more videos I just finished editing this morning.

That’s mainly why I haven’t written, I just been making movies. It’s been freeing to just be running around shooting a quick Forefront video, prepping a movie with an actual budget, or editing quietly on the iMac the church gave me.

Dan is completely depressed over Theresa. He was convinced God told him she was to be his future wife, but he definitely shouldn’t have told her that. He is now questioning if God exists at all.

Sarah wrote me a lovely letter, but I’ve been busy with film-making that I haven’t give it much thought. After getting my pictures from Dan and Abigail’s wedding, I discovered a perfect picture of the two of us.

I’m sure if I hadn’t been so busy I’d try to pursue her again, so I really thankful I have been busy.

This evening I’ll be selling nachos at a local air show. The band Train is performing. They have a song called ‘Meet Virginia’ that comes on the radio all time. I sing it at the top of lungs while driving around town.

On Wednesday morning I’ll be leaving for Grundy, VA. It is eight hours away.

In two months I’ll be in Mexico for the first time.

Can the year be ending so soon?

Christi, on the Forefront staff, is a beautiful, single, 24-year-old, Children’s Ministry Director. I’m trying not to dwell on that fact too much.

We had lunch together a few days ago. She’s fun, but is lacking encouragement.

I have shown the latest cut of Dang! to an experienced filmmaker in the area. He says he’s never seen a more perfect student film.

Thank you God for what you are doing.

May I continue to serve you.

I love you so.

August 25, 2000 – Friday – 12:45 p.m.

Four months until Christmas!

I’m at a baseball field near the park that’s closest to my job.  I’m looking forward to the Counting Crows concert in Virginia Beach tonight.

I talked to both Curtis and Dan last night and I finally began writing out the plot for a feature screenplay I’m calling Winter Dreams.

In one week I’ll be in Banner Elk again.  Dan says I can stay at his new place, even while he and Abigail are on their honeymoon.

I often think about my friends being married.

Curtis, Allen, Charlie, Dan.  They all got married this year.  Vince and I remain, but he’s content in Bolivia.

I am… I don’t know how I am these days.

What is it that I do?

I’m supposed to be making movies, but am I doing that?

No.  I’m supposed to be worshipping God, but am I doing that?

I’m just sitting on bleachers feeling sorry for myself.  I haven’t sat on bleachers since Marie spoke the worst words over me I’ve ever heard.  I’m glad that relationship is over.  In retrospect it feels so unreal, fake, and empty.

Why does love die?  Does that mean it was never love?

I guess so.

So I’ve never really loved?  Is that it?

Then why does it feel like I have?  Perhaps it is just because God is in me.

I love my friends.  They are scattered all over the world now.

So, Everything after August is coming to be.  Another beautiful autumn.

Noisy bugs surround me now.  I guess I’m doing okay, for not everyone notices the music of crickets.  So, I’ll get up from here and walk on.  I deserve nothing I’m given, and I’ll do my best to breathe freely.

August 1, 2000 – Tuesday – 9:50 p.m.

The month of change has arrived.  I’ve been in the same apartment for two steady years, but my third roommate just moved in.

Work has become a bit boring to me now.  There hasn’t much for me to do recently, so I’ve spent my days teaching myself Photoshop.  I pray I do not get stuck in a rut.

I went to a “Meet the Staff Dessert” Sunday night to meet all the people that work at Forefront Church.  They are excited to know I’m a film guy.  I want to serve there so badly.  They meet in a movie theater, so it would be awesome to make videos for them that would be shown on the big screen.  I wish I could work there and not at Acoustic Works.

But you are guiding me God.  I’ll follow you.

July 26, 2000 – Wednesday – 12:05 p.m.

I’m at the Chesapeake Square Mall food court next to the fountain and palm trees.  It’s my lunch break.  Trey and I watched Magnolia last night on video.  I didn’t get to bed until 3:30 this morning.

I also came to this spot yesterday to attempt to plot out my next script.  It seems to be getting very big.

There’s an older gentleman in front and to the left of me that seems to be people watching.

July is ending.  I don’t know what this month held except for my job at Acoustic Works and a trip to West Virginia.  I did spend a great deal of time editing Dang! with Trey, and playing Zelda 64.  And of course I found a new church.

August, the month of change, is on its way, but again it seems only my age will change this year.

I’m in my third year here in the Hampton Roads area.  It feels like it’s been so much longer.  I think my inner man has changed, that I got burned out on the normal way of church, and I just don’t want to play “church games” anymore, to be honest.

There’s a little girl with glasses throwing coins into the fountain.  What could she be wishing for?

I hope I’m able to redirect America’s hope to God’s endless waterfall of grace, and away from man-made fountains.

Oh God, have your way with me.  I am broken.  Yet I am also forgiven.  And I forgive as well.

It’s been raining here for the past three days.  I rather enjoy it, but I can tell it has been taking its toll on all people surrounding me.

I don’t know how much longer I’ll stay here.  Here in this job and here in this corner of Virginia.  I’ll do my best to take it one day at a time.

Jesus, your love is all I own.

June 4, 2000 – Sunday – 10:30 p.m.

Whew…life!

I miss Marie.

Good things are happening, but I do feel separated from Regent University and from my film Dang!.

Townley, Andy, Jean, and I had a great trip to D.C. this past week.  I really got the chance to talk with them about Jesus.  Jean is a Christian, but she is sad because her husband Chad isn’t very affectionate toward her.  I know how she feels.  Marie isn’t terribly affectionate towards me either.

I helped the team put the Glo-Cycling package together up at Langley Air Force Base.  It starts tomorrow.  The means I be spending half the week cycling and getting paid for it.

It is all a bit odd to me.  I’m surrounded by people desperately trying to make a buck and I’m just not passionate about money.  Sure I need it, and I’m very much in debt, but what is most important to me are spiritual matters, matters of the heart.  These people at work are successful, but I feel they are losing their souls in the process.

I went to Rob and Mary Jo’s wedding on Saturday.  It was the most beautiful and Christlike wedding that I’ve ever attended.  I see more and more each day how the only thing that matters is Jesus.  Forgive me God for my apathy.

Jean is selling her house.  It is in a fine neighborhood only ten minutes from downtown Norfolk.  It’s small, I’ve wondered if I should buy it; I don’t know, I’ve also been thinking about building a log cabin out in rural Chesapeake or Suffolk.  I have exactly one year until I’m through with my movie and my thesis.  I will graduate and have to move out of the Regent apartments.  I really don’t want to pay rent again.  Please reveal your will to me oh God.

It is a beautiful and cool night.  I have an interesting job.  There is a girl I dearly love in New Jersey.  This evening I had some fantastic barbecue with the Acoustic Works Xtreme Fitness team.  In less than a month it will have been two years since I moved here.  Hmmm…life.

May 21, 2000 – Sunday – 7:15 a.m.

It is early before church.  I think I’ve found a place to sit and think.  I’m on a park bench in the park for Lake James Residences only.  I guess it is kind of illegal for me to be here, but I need a place within walking distance from my apartment where I can go and be by myself.  There’s a nice mist in the air and turtles and fish are playing in the water below.

I have a new pair of glasses that look and feel very nice.  I’m going to be wearing my contacts a little less often I think.

Marie called last night.  I miss her so much.

Kimberly, Sterling, and I went to see Dinosaur.  It was so horrible.  It was just the same old story, and I didn’t think it looked that great.

There was a spaghetti party over at Townley’s place on Friday night, so I went and got to know some of my co-workers a bit more.

We’ve had several nighttime thunderstorms recently that have sounded awesome!

Oh God, I miss you in me.  Whatever is blocking you from being everything in me, I lay it at your feet.  Please take it away.

Life is getting very odd.  I just want to love you.  Wash me clean oh God.  Prepare me to be a living sacrifice.  May I be dead to all.  Calm my spirit, my temper, my jealousy, and my flesh.  Purify me oh God.  This is my prayer.  For I am nothing without you.  Please make me like the lilies of the valley.  I love you God.

 

May 11, 2000 – Thursday – 9:23 a.m.

Yesterday was a fantastic day!  I got a job and I saw myself on the big screen during the Regent Film Festival.  I was in TR, kinda like ER, but for televisions and not people.

As for the job, I had applied to be an installer, a guy who would go around and install light and sound equipment, but they sat me down in front of a computer and asked me to create something with PowerPoint.  I had never even seen PowerPoint before, but I figured it out and created a brief presentation.  I was later offered to be the personal assistant to the President of the company!  Crazy!

Technically, I’m considered an intern where I’ll make $10 an hour.  But after a few weeks, if they like me, they’ll offer me the full job with a salary and benefits.  This is my first job that pays above minimum wage!  God is so good!

I start on Monday the 15th.  The drive takes about 30 minutes, and my uncle Jeff is going to let me borrow his truck until I can get another car.  Mom says there’s a used one near her in NC that looks pretty good, so I may travel down and pick that one up.

I love you Lord!  Thanks for helping and guiding me.

May 10, 2000 – Wednesday – 10:00 a.m.

Two years ago today I graduated from Lees-McRae!

I’m preparing to go to my second interview with Acoustic Works.  The first one went pretty well.  Then I’m going with Marie to the Regent Film Festival tonight.  I do love her dearly.  I read back on my time with Sarah and it hurt my heart to realize I was once so blind.  Thank you God for my salvation.

I don’t know who may be reading all these spiral-bound pondering, but I sure hope you are able to read it all.  Life can’t be summed up by one person in one day.  It is a process and we are all ever-changing.

Thank you for your forgiveness God.

The New Mexico trip has been cancelled.  Since my car broke down, I just need to work and save money.  So Dan isn’t going either, for it would be weird for him and Theresa to be out on the road alone.

Marie leaves on Saturday.  We won’t see each other for five weeks.

Oh, perfect Marie.

May I be worthy of her.

May 3, 2000 – Wednesday – 12:05 p.m.

I’m not in my room, I’m under a pine tree on Lake James Drive near Regent University.  I rode my bike here.  It is nice to get away from my room.

I’ve been reading Henderson The Rain King and have enjoyed it immensely.

Vince leaves the country in five days.  I’ve tried to call him, but he wasn’t home.  I’m now at the point of my life where I am no longer a full-time student, and, to be honest, I don’t know what to do with myself.  I’m trying to be patient.  I’m trying to wait on God.  I’m trying to get a job, but I don’t think I’m doing it very well.  I feel like I’m losing my identity.

Marie and I, well, it is obvious that our relationship is changing form.  God please have your way with us and melt all my insecurities away.  I have grown to not like who I am these days.  I have this opportunity to spend three weeks on the road with Dan and Theresa, and I think that would be good for me, but I feel like I should be trying to find a job though.  That pressure is mainly coming from Marie and her family.

For the first time in my life, I’ve met a mother who doesn’t like me.  After Marie’s mom spent more time with me, she thinks I’m the wrong one for Marie and she has told her as much.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with that.  I’ve left my church to attend church with Marie, and Marie’s church just doesn’t believe the same things, spiritually speaking, that I do.

I feel as though I’m losing myself who I am.

I want to be with Marie.  I love her so much.  I guess all the differences and the road blocks scare me.  I’m just waiting to see what God is going to do.

I want to start working on more films, but I have this huge debt hanging over my head, so I feel I must put my focus on that.

An old married couple just rode by on their bikes.  Will I ever become that?

This is a nice little grove in the trees; similar to Emily’s crying place in Crestview, but that  has since been torn down to make way for suburban sprawl.

Perhaps I should put all my efforts toward doing video work on the mission field.  That way I can travel the world.

I want to drive out west and spend many days thinking and writing in my journal.

I miss writing in my journal.

I’m going to ride my bike around some more.