October 9, 1995 – Monday – 10:47 p.m.

I went for a long hike today.  A two hour long hike.  I went deep into these mountains surrounding campus.

Lil Abner opens Wednesday.  I am the House Manager.  I watched the rehearsal tonight.  It was so funny!

I love theater so much.  I love film.  I am so happy to know that I’m going to be around it for the rest of my life.

I got an email from Erica today.  I wrote her back.  We basically talk about the goodness of the Lord.

You know, it’s funny.

One million miles in this life.

I’ve only made a few steps.

I feel like the race is almost over.

But I’ve only begun.

The journey began with my Lord and will end with my Lord.

Its hard to describe it, but I have such a peace inside me.

The Lord is taking care of me.  He has given me so much.  He has given me my freedom.  I expect Him to take care of me and be there for me.

He has already walked those one million miles before me.  Now he is here, walking them again beside me.  He points out every stone that I might trip over.  There are some times when he picks me up and carries me.

He is my best friend.

He is so beautiful.

And so kind.

I love you Jesus.  I’m sorry for not having complete faith in you sometimes.

I adore you.

I want you forever.

And I know I can have you forever.

My freedom is in you.

My home is in you.

Thank you my Father.

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June 21, 1995 – Wednesday – 10:35 p.m.

I was about an hour late to work today, but it turned out okay.

I have mapped out the rest of my summer.  I’ll write it in here.  Let’s see if it goes as planned:

I will work the next couple of weeks every day except for Tuesdays and Sundays.  Then on July 12th, I’ll leave for Fishnet ’95.  I will return on the 16th, leaving for Deep Creek on the 17th.  We will come back on the 22nd, a Saturday, in time for church on the following day.  From the 24th of July until the 3rd of August, I’ll work every day except for Sunday.  And on the weekend of August 4th, I plan to visit Emily in Florida.  I’m not sure when I’ll return, but I spend the remainder of that time getting ready for my sophomore year at Lees-McRae College.

Fifty-four days remain until I return to my world.  I pray that this is the last summer I spend here.  The Lord is preparing my heart to return to Banner Elk.  I learned so much at church tonight.

Philippians 3:13 says, “…forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before.”

The past needs to be forgotten.

Only now and the future exist.

I went for a walk on the railroad tracks after church tonight.  There was lightening in the air, lightning bugs all around, and light in my heart.

You are changing me Lord!

May 22, 1995 – Monday – 8:35 p.m.

Some things have happened.  Let’s begin with Friday:

Jonathan came home from work.  It was Friday night and neither one of us wanted to stay home.  We drove to Sanford hoping to find someone to hang out with.  First we went to Christi’s, but only her mom was home.  No one was home at Ryan and Amy’s house so we went to Cheryl’s.  She was home.  Her and Adrienne were going to do something, so we tagged along.  We went to Cary, near Raleigh and ate out at the mall and walked around.  I joked around a little bit and it seemed to upset Cheryl.  She is not the same Cheryl.  Perhaps I am not the same Jacob, either.  But I very much feel like me.

I bought a tape on my Discover card and we came home.  Jonathan saw an old gas sign by the dumpster and we went and picked it up.  He and I had more fun unscrewing that sign from it’s post so we could fit it into his car than we did walking around a strange mall with Cheryl and Adrienne.

I worked Saturday morning.  That night, Kevin and A.D. and I went to see a movie in Asheboro.  We saw Die Hard with a Vengeance.  It was pretty funny and full of action, but I hate all of that cussing.

Church was wonderful on Sunday.  It was great to hear Pastor Steve preach.  After church, Jonathan and I went to a girl’s house named Faith.  Mandy and Dana met us there.  We all decided to go to Jordan Lake.  I know while we were at the beach, I thought Mandy was ugly, but seeing her yesterday, well, she seemed quite attractive.  I guess I do see what Jonathan sees in her.  They appear to be doing great!

We picked up Faith’s boyfriend Chris on our way to the lake.  Overall it was a good time and it’s good to know that those girls will be around to hang out more often.  Thank you for them Lord.

Jonathan met Mandy at Myrtle Beach in October of ’94.  Dana is single like me.  We get along okay.  They showed us the pictures from the beach; they looked great!

Jonathan and I returned in time to go to church that night.  I went into the youth group just to see the old gang, but it isn’t the same group of people anymore.  I wonder if there is anything more fleeting than a church youth group.

And today, Monday, I went to work.  I had a great time.  Mike was there and we joked around the whole time.  Time flew by, and it’s great to know that I get paid to have fun.  Thank you Lord for my job.

And I came home to find a letter in the mailbox from Emily.  It was short and sweet.  She gave me a little heart to put into my wallet to remind me that someone loves me.  I’m sure that someone is her.

Mike came over and he and I plus Jonathan and Nate played water guns outside.

Big kids.  That’s all we are.

I wish I could see Emily.

I wish I could hold her.

I wish.

January 15, 1995 – Sunday – 9:00 a.m.

I am in my room at Lees-McRae College.

I have no electricity.

The power is out in McAlister Dorm, but not out over the entire campus.

We left from Albany, Georgia Saturday morning.  It rained the whole way home.  In fact, it rained in Banner Elk all day and parts of the region flooded.  So after a week doing flood relief work, we return to this.  Oh, the irony.

We were able to get to campus, but the road near the hospital was under water.  My dorm didn’t flood though.  Apart from the electricity, everything is okay here.

What was bad was that Jeni and I weren’t able to spend any time together.  Due to all the problems on campus, we had to go to our own dorms and stay there.

I miss her.

There is also a huge flood in California.

It seems like the whole world is falling apart.

Lord, your return is near.

December 4, 1994 – Sunday – 2:30 p.m.

Church was okay this morning, but the weird thing is that my roommate hasn’t been here in about two weeks.  I don’t know where he is.

It’s already December.  Christmas is in 21 days.  Wow!!

Everything is great.

Truthfully, I have no idea what to write about in my journal today.  Jeni is in Ballet class right now.  I love her so much.  She is my best friend.  I want to be with her forever.  I want to hold her and comfort her.  In everything I do is seems part of me is thinking about her.

She was emotional last night.  Jeni wants to be my wife.  She lets me know that.  Yet sometimes she thinks too much and last night she said she thought I wanted to be a filmmaker more than I wanted to be her husband.  I told her I wanted both, but if I had to choose I would choose her.

I wish I could try to describe to you how I feel about her.  When I look into her blue-gray eyes I see myself, but I also see Jesus. They are so deep, so bright.  God knew what he was doing when he created her and he also know how much she would mean to me when he created her.  We are so close.  We hold each other for so long and just look into each other’s eyes.  I love kissing her.  I don’t ever want to kiss another girl.

When all my days are over, I want to say the only girl I ever kissed was my Jeni.

She says that she hopes I can say the same thing.  She never wants to kiss another guy.

We have a perfect relationship.

Thank you Lord.

November 28, 1994 – Monday – 11:55 p.m.

Hi.

It’s me.  Jacob.

School is normal, except things are a little rough because of final exams.

I talked to Jenna and Tenielle tonight.  They will not be able to come and see me on the 3rd like they thought they would, but they are both fine.

I have fallen in love guys.  And it is real this time.  Other times I have doubted, but I have fallen in love.  It was so difficult to leave Jeni tonight at 11:00 when visitation hours were up.  Her dance was tonight.  She did such a wonderful job.  And tonight I held her in my arms as we laid on her bed and I looked into her eyes.  They are so gorgeous and I told her so.

“Why?” she asked.

“Because they are so clear and blueish gray.  The are cut like diamonds and when I see them I see your true self, your spirit.  Your eyes are the window to your soul, so deeper than any ocean.”

She smiled and said thank you and told me she loved me very much.

I told her that with her spirit, her soul, and her body and rolled into one, she has become the most beautiful person I have ever known.  She grows more beautiful each day.

No matter what I do or where I am, she is in my thoughts.

I see Jesus when I look at her.

She is perfect.

Jesus is my Lord and my perfect one.  Thank you Lord for my Jeni.

She is mine.

I am hers.

I love her very much.

But I don’t know how to show her.  I can hardly eat sometimes.

Oh Jeni, why do you love me?  No one else ever took that step to become as close to me as you have.  I feel like my life has begun here with you.  Those first 18 years of my life were simply practice and preparation to bring me to Lees-McRae.

Thank you Jeni.

Thank you.

October 19, 1994 – Wednesday – 7:15 a.m.

Today is the day I will leave for a little while.  We will come back Sunday.

This is my home now.  I no longer live in Mt. Vernon Springs; that is only where I am from.

We are leaving at 12:30.  It takes about eight hours.  Jeni has so much planned for the two of us to do together.  One night, we’re suppose to go to her old youth pastor’s house to watch a few movies.

She is so special.

Now I see why many things have not happened in my life yet.  It was because I needed her to be there when they did.

And I can honestly say that our relationship would not be as great if I had met her back home.

The Bible says that a man must leave his parents and search for a mate.  I can’t wait until Pastor Steve meets her.

Again Lord, I thank you for her.  And for this morning.  Lord, I thank you for everything.