February 4, 1995 – Saturday – 1:40 a.m.

I am in a deep.

I am down too far.

I can’t swim.

I’m sinking.

I have put this off for too long.  I have tried not to write about it, but now I must.

Jeni and I have had some problems.  It just seems like we have been drifting apart this past week or so.  We are never overwhelmingly happy when we are around each other.

It is a very long story and I will continue it after I’ve gotten some sleep.

I’ve gotten some sleep.  It’s now 8:00 a.m.

Let’s continue.

Ever since the mission trip to Albany, GA things have been bad.  Then we went home and things were good again because we had that talk about how close we had gotten physically.  We decided to back away.  There were times when Jeni and I would be making out and she would simply take off her shirt.

WHY!?  I didn’t ask her to do that.  I didn’t want that.  Of course, my body did, my flesh did, but not me.  Not my soul!  Not my spirit!

I was the one who brought it up back home and I thought it was taken care of, but it wasn’t.

It happened again once we returned to school.

And then it happened again.

“STOP IT!” I hollered inside.

That is only a part of it.  There is a lot more.  Although I love her very much, Jeni has been in such a bad mood these past two weeks.  All she ever says is that she wants her mommy; that she wants to go home.  She say that in one sentence and then she’ll talk about marrying me, and being my wife, and making love to me and what we will name our children.

That made me feel uncomfortable.  I would go along with it just to please her.  It’s the same thing with our physical closeness…I would go along with it because I thought that was what she wanted.  It’s like she’s insecure or something and trying to use her body to hold onto me.  I never wanted to be with her because of her body.

She would get so jealous if I talked or laughed with another girl.  She would get upset if I went out with Charlie or did anything but wait patiently for her while she was in dance class.

She would complain if I went over to Kristi’s room to play Donkey Kong Country.  Yet, whenever I was over in her room, we never did anything fun.  I just sat there, bored out of my mind, listening to her talk about wanting to go home.

Truthfully, I felt trapped.  I felt pressured.

I still feel trapped and pressured.

But there is still something else.  Remember how I told you this skit group at Heaton is beginning?  Well, it made me think of home.  It made me think more about one person than I had been.

To tell you the truth, it all goes back to what happened on May 8, 1993.

That weird feeling hasn’t gone away.

Also, what I wrote on February 13, 1994.

That one flower still hasn’t faded away.  All of the others have.  But she is still alive in my heart.  I even wrote her a letter yesterday.

But why am I thinking this way?  What can’t I be happy with Jeni?  Why do I still want Christi?

Jeni and I had a long talk last night.  I shared with her how I felt pressured and trapped.  I said that I needed her to lighten up and that I needed a little space.  I said that all this talk about marriage and naming our children is making me uncomfortable.

That killed her.

She said that becoming a wife and mother was her calling and it would kill her to not be able to talk about that with me.  I didn’t know what to say, so I said that I wasn’t going anywhere.

It’s like I want Jeni simply to be with me while I’m at school, but then have Christi afterwards and forever.  I told Jeni that we need to realize that the chance of us not being together forever might happen.

She said that if we both wanted to be together forever, then nothing would stop us.

Last night went on like that for a long time.  I would say one thing and she would say another.

She was in tears.

My eyes were dry.

She didn’t want to lose me.  She got down on her knees and begged for God to let her have me.

Yet, during all of this, I was thinking of Christi.

I was so mad at myself.

What was I doing?

What was wrong with me, I wasn’t making any sense.

Jeni said that she thinks it is better to have never loved at all, than to have loved and lost.

I told her that I felt like I was wasting her time.  But she says that she doesn’t want anyone else.  She only wants me.

She was crying and screaming, curled up in a fetal position on her bed.  I was so afraid that other girls were going to come knocking on the door to find out what was wrong.

So, I went against my will and I put on a mask.

I became a good actor.

We went for a walk in the winter wonderland outside and she was happy.

Yet, I was fighting a war inside my soul.

I don’t know what I’m doing.

Jeni knows nothing about Christi.

Show me what to do God.

Show me who to love.

This is really difficult for me.  I need you.

Christi, where ever you are, I pray you have a wonderful day.

Perhaps this is the legend of my fall.

January 21, 1995 – Saturday – 8:00 p.m.

sibling-rivalries-legends-of-the-fall

I saw a movie today.

It was one of the saddest movies I have ever seen.

Jeni began crying about five minutes after it started and she did not stop until the end.  But I did not cry until it was over.

Legends of the Fall was absolutely amazing.  It’s very hard to describe.  I don’t know where to begin, but in the movie Samuel Ludlow was killed in a battle during World War I.  It was a horrible death.  He was tangled up in barbed wire, blind, and blown to pieces by a machine gun, all before his brother’s eyes.  This happens pretty early in the movie and the main story is about how the surviving brother deals with all the trauma.

But after the movie was over, I was watching the credits and I saw a name:  Henry Thomas.

“Henry Thomas,” I said to Jeni.  “That’s Elliot in E.T.”

Jeni looked at me.

“I don’t remember seeing a little boy in this movie.”

Then I remembered a grin given by Samuel Ludlow.

Holy Cow.  E.T.’s little friend had grown up.  I instantly realized that it had been over 12 years since E.T. came out and that two soldiers had shot up innocent little Elliot!  I imagined E.T. seeing this horrific death and my eyes began to water.

Jeni was laughing at me, but I was balling like a baby.  The theater was empty.  The credits were rolling.  The lights had come on, and I was on the front row, crying my eyes out.

I couldn’t stop thinking about it and I cried the entire way home.

Jeni seemed a little embarrassed of me.

Every day I grow older.

And although I have my life planned out, I now see how it can easily change.

I am not my own.

Everything around me is covered with snow.  It is winter here and it can be seen.

But it is not winter in my heart.  It is springtime.  I am still young.  I am growing.

So little I have seen.

So much I never will.

Yet I continue to tell my small story.

I continue to tell my legend.

This young friend of E.T. is also growing older.

There are still some things to do and accomplish.

There is still a world he must save.

January 20, 1995 – Friday – 1:15 a.m.

Today (Thursday), has been pretty good.

I have three classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  World Civilization, Freshman Composition, and Piano.  I also spend a few hours with my work study job in the campus post office.  It was a lot of fun!

Auditions for Student-Directed One-Acts were tonight.  I was only going to audition for one: Marcie’s children’s show of The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe.  I did okay.  I’ll find out if I got the part tomorrow.  But as I was walking back, a senior named Joey stopped me and handed me an audition sheet, wanting me to audition for a small scene he is directing later in the semester.  I did.  And then he asked me to read for the second half of the scene as well.  He really seemed to like me.  I would play an awkward virgin talking to a prostitute.  I guess that isn’t too much of a stretch for me.  The girl playing the prostitute is a super pretty girl named Penny.

Auditioning was fun.  I hope I get something.

Jeni and I got to see each other some throughout the day.  We ate all three meals together.

It snowed a little bit this evening.

Charlie is supposedly seeing this girl named Kate.  I sit next to her in World Civilization.

Charlie wrote up another RA and all the guys on the hall except for me aren’t talking to him.

This weekend Jeni and I are going to see Legends of the Fall.  Tracey and Derek might go with us.

I am having a good time.  I have my girl beside me.  I have good friends who like me.  It turns out I’m not a bad actor.  Perhaps I  have a future.

Jeni wants to be my wife.

She loves me.

She loves me.

She loves me.

We will have children together one day!

It’s good to see all of my great friends.

This day closes, but a greater one is beginning.

Another day to spend more time with Jeni.

Another day to love her.

Another day to worship Jesus.

Another day to live for him.

Then another and another.

My Book of Days.