December 20, 1998 – Sunday – 8:51 a.m.

There are 11 days left in this year.  I am trying to think of a way to let whoever ends up reading this to truly grasp the beauty and wonder of what is happening here.  I cannot believe God is using me in the way he is.  In less than five months, God has allowed me to see how my simple presence and laughter is changing people’s lives.  I am making a difference, as I assume everybody is, but I somehow get to see it.

Love never fails.

David sent me a card saying his life had never been so interesting until I came into it.  God is using me to minister into so many girls’ lives here.  Somehow God leads me into a group of girls and they don’t stop being themselves.  They don’t seem to change from a “girl” into a “girl that is now around a guy.”  I’m seeing things many guys never get to see.

Our Christmas show is all God.  I showed up and wrote and directed it, but I really can’t take any of the credit.  The kids gave me a card last night, and, for some of them, it seems I am changing their entire perspective on life.  They are waking up and seeing the beauty around them they have never seen before.  God is using me to wake people up and help them find their freedom.

Yet, I don’t feel like I do anything but be me.

And it isn’t difficult to be me.  I remember when it used to be insanely difficult to be me, perhaps I wasn’t entirely sure of who I was back then.

My card was full of phrases like, “Never stop being you,” or “Thanks for being you.”

What an honor!  What a joy!  What a gift!

I am being thanked for doing the only thing I know how to do: be me.

And here is another day to laugh, to smile my crooked smile, and love those around me.

God is beautiful!

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July 9, 1994 – Saturday – 11:52 p.m.

This is my last journal entry for Fishnet.

Today I bumped into a little boy, he had lost his mom.  I helped them find each other and when they did they held onto each other and cried deeply.

As I walked back from their reunion, happy as I could be, I was in the midst of the crowd, and the band on the stage started playing, everyone in the crowd stood up and started clapping.  I know it sounds weird, but it felt like they were clapping for me.  I felt something stir in me and God said, “This is you.”

Later in the afternoon, a huge storm came up.  The tarp fell down and everyone was under it holding it down to keep it from flying away.  I, myself, videotaped the whole ordeal with Lisa’s video camera.

But what we didn’t know while we were under that tarp was that a huge funnel cloud formed above the hillside and almost touched ground.  But before it did, it seemed like something just picked it up and sent it on its way.

Later in the evening, the sky was filled with a double rainbow.  It was beautiful.  God has shown me who I am and he has made a promise to me.

September 17, 1993 – Friday – 8:39 p.m.

I just need to pray.

Father, you are the best thing that has ever come into my life.  Without you I would probably be dead.  I love you God.  I love you Jesus.  And I suppose I love myself, but I sure don’t like myself.

I used to like who I was.  I used to be someone I would actually look up to, but not anymore. I’ve changed, and maybe I can point the finger at these teenage years.  But I don’t want to change.  I want to be the old me.  I want to like myself again.

Recently, I’ve been thinking in ways that I shouldn’t.  I’ve let other things come before my relationship with you.  I don’t want to be like this anymore.

I know you have a plan for my life.  You have called me.  Yet, I know I can’t move on unless I get rid of this pride, this way that I look down on people that are different than me.  I hate it.  I’m upset with myself.  What have I become?

Who I am now is not who I want to be.

I want to like myself again.  No more pride.  No more junk.

Only you.  I want to quit complaining and appreciate life again.  Lord, I repent and ask you to forgive me.  I want to live holy in your presence.  Holy, pure, honest!

I need you God.  Do a work in me.  Change me so I can live with myself and enjoy being around myself.

Please God.

Please.