This is my last journal entry for Fishnet.
Today I bumped into a little boy, he had lost his mom. I helped them find each other and when they did they held onto each other and cried deeply.
As I walked back from their reunion, happy as I could be, I was in the midst of the crowd, and the band on the stage started playing, everyone in the crowd stood up and started clapping. I know it sounds weird, but it felt like they were clapping for me. I felt something stir in me and God said, “This is you.”
Later in the afternoon, a huge storm came up. The tarp fell down and everyone was under it holding it down to keep it from flying away. I, myself, videotaped the whole ordeal with Lisa’s video camera.
But what we didn’t know while we were under that tarp was that a huge funnel cloud formed above the hillside and almost touched ground. But before it did, it seemed like something just picked it up and sent it on its way.
Later in the evening, the sky was filled with a double rainbow. It was beautiful. God has shown me who I am and he has made a promise to me.
I just need to pray.
Father, you are the best thing that has ever come into my life. Without you I would probably be dead. I love you God. I love you Jesus. And I suppose I love myself, but I sure don’t like myself.
I used to like who I was. I used to be someone I would actually look up to, but not anymore. I’ve changed, and maybe I can point the finger at these teenage years. But I don’t want to change. I want to be the old me. I want to like myself again.
Recently, I’ve been thinking in ways that I shouldn’t. I’ve let other things come before my relationship with you. I don’t want to be like this anymore.
I know you have a plan for my life. You have called me. Yet, I know I can’t move on unless I get rid of this pride, this way that I look down on people that are different than me. I hate it. I’m upset with myself. What have I become?
Who I am now is not who I want to be.
I want to like myself again. No more pride. No more junk.
Only you. I want to quit complaining and appreciate life again. Lord, I repent and ask you to forgive me. I want to live holy in your presence. Holy, pure, honest!
I need you God. Do a work in me. Change me so I can live with myself and enjoy being around myself.