October 21, 1993 – Thursday – 4:30 p.m.

I want to go to heaven.

I wish Ryan could go with me.

We could be free together.

Things have been rough these past few days.  Yesterday I had an Orthodontist appointment at 11:00 a.m.  Henry was supposed to pick me up at 10:30 a.m. from school.  I can’t leave unless he comes to sign me out.  He didn’t know that and he stayed in the car for 40 minutes.  At 11:10 he decided to come in and get me for my 11:00 appointment.  And he often brags about his intelligence.  I said I wasn’t going to the appointment, that I would reschedule, and he agreed but got really upset about it.

The water in our well has been low this past week and it must have been my mom’s time of the month.  They bought me a car.  It’s a Toyota.  A 1980 something.  They said they got it because they want me to be home by 3:00 to watch Nate.  They still give me all these lectures and rules and junk that they just say to hear themselves talk and have power.

Other stuff has happened.  Stuff that, at least according to them, is my fault.  And Henry is upset with me because he doesn’t think it is right for me to have a car when I have totaled two cars in the past year.  It’s not that I’m a bad driver.  I just can’t drive well while I’m eating or sleeping.

Hopefully things will turn around and be okay.  Nothing majorly bad is happening, just nothing good is happening.

At church last night, I felt so wonderful.  I feel so loved at church.  I don’t feel loved at home, but I know I am.

Emily hasn’t written me back in about three weeks.  My dad hasn’t called.  I wish I could see Brandon.

At school there is this guy named David.  I was talking to him about this girl who always stares at him in the hall.  He is going out with the Student Council President, a fox.  Well, I just got to thinking: the only girls who have ever liked me have been girls I’ve had no interest in talking to or looking at.  Except one.  Her name was Veronica, but she was younger and well, that must say something about a guy.

It hurts in a way.  I don’t think there is anything wrong with me.

I like me.  I just wish somebody would love me.

September 21, 1993 – Tuesday – 8:40 p.m.

Let’s continue.

So, I fell asleep.  It was a good sleep, but then… Boom!  I heard a horrible noise and looked up and saw nothing but grass and a 55mph Speed Limit sign.  I tried to get control of the car and swerve back on the road.  I slowly put on the brakes and Marcus was just screaming my name.

The back wheel caught something or maybe an angel pushed the car, I don’t know, but it turned toward the road and sped across the highway toward the medium.  My front end jammed into the ditch at about 50 miles an hour.  The whole car fish-tailed around, turning 180 degrees and we stopped, facing the road we had just flew off.

I moaned.  I couldn’t move.  My entire body was in pain.

Turns out Marcus had fallen asleep too and neither one of us was thinking straight.  We tried to put the car in reverse and push it out.  We didn’t know he had two flat tires.

We waved some cars down and they called the ambulance.  Marcus hit his eye and his head was aching badly.  We went to the hospital in Sanford.  They checked us over pretty well.  Nothing major, but Marcus got a black eye and his sinuses are all messed up.

The car, on the other hand, may be totaled.  We won’t know until tomorrow.  My parents just got finished paying it off.  Henry bought it as a brand new car four years ago.  It is the only non-used car he has ever purchased.  He drove it everywhere and even said it was like a second home to him.  Last week my parents switched the insurance around so I could drive Henry’s car; it made their payment a little cheaper.  A week after I start driving his car, I wreck it.  Marcus has been out of school for two days because of his injury.

Needless to say, Henry is upset.  He won’t say it with his mouth but his actions toward me portray it.  It’s like he views me as something that gives him gray hair and makes him spend more money.

Mom on the other hand says the usual, “I’m just glad you are alive.  We could be buying a casket instead of a new car.”

I said, “Well, at least I would be free.”

This world is messed up.  Everything is done the wrong way.  Some people even do love the wrong way.  They fall in love with how a girl is and not who the girl is.  I might wreck a car and I might mess up my parent’s pocketbook, but I’m not going to mess up love.  I’m not going have a wrecked marriage like both Mom and Henry’s first marriage.

You know, something could have gone terribly wrong and I might not be writing this entry tonight.  Instead my Book of Days could have ended with me praying for God to do a work in me and then, BOOM!, it is over.  My journey would be complete.  My dream would come true.  I’d be with my Jesus.

But it didn’t and I’m still here.

I’m still alive.

Alive to write.  Alive to dream.  Alive to think about Ryan.  Alive to experience more pain and more misery.  Alive to grow.  Alive to learn.  Alive to wonder.  Alive to love.

Thank you Lord for letting me live.  I want so bad to be with you, but I know there is still more for me to do on this earth before I am truly free.

I want to live Lord.

I want to do your will.

I love you Jesus.