June 3, 1996 – Monday – 8:10 p.m.

I’ve registered for summer classes and checked a couple more guys in.  I went to some summer theater meetings and then got my headshots taken.  We had a hall meeting and now I’m reflecting on today’s most important event:  I received a letter from Emily:

You couldn’t possibly know how I’ve missed you.  How happy I was to finally hear from you.  Your letters always make me smile.  You are irresistible and incredibly sweet.  So glad to hear of all of your success.  You sound to be on cloud 9.  You are truly amazing.  Yes, my number is still the same.  I tried and tried to call you.  I must have had the wrong number.

As for me, I have two jobs, still in high school and am playing in all kinds of beach volleyball tournaments.  I work in a grocery store as a cashier and in a hotel as a clerk.  I stay busy, but that is less time for me to think about how lonely I am.  My ex-boyfriend Brandon, (you met him, the one with brown hair) is totally psycho and won’t leave me alone.  Its really scary, but what can someone as beautiful as me expect?  Just kidding!  Ha ha!  You of all people know I’m not conceited.  I got my hair cut off, refer to enclosed picture.  I like it a lot.  It’s getting blonder by the day.  I have the most amazing tan, I’m so proud of it.

The picture was from prom, it was a nightmare, not enough ink and paper in this house to explain it all, but I’ll tell you about it over the phone one day.  So many thing have happened to me recently, I wouldn’t know where to begin, but you know, I think I understand your loneliness.  I know that one day I want to fall in love, but for now I would just settle for that tingling feeling you get when someone you like is near you, but it seems like all the guys I’ve dated are useless.  I love Brandon, but not in a Husband/Wife way.  I know he would do anything for me, but it still doesn’t matter.

And then there is my love for you.  It is like a mystery.  It is like my conscience or that unseen voice that is always there.  Like an intelligent part of you written inside of me.  Like a whisper.  Sweet and charming.  You are a beautiful and well-educated man.  You deserve everything.  I am so happy you chose to make me a part of your world.  You are a blessing.  I want you to remember 62, it’s a date, we will travel the world together.  Just don’t lose touch until then.  Write soon!

I love you my purest of loves, 

Your Angel”

When she said, “I want you to remember 62,” she was referring to my last letter.  I asked her if we would ever live with lovers or spend life alone.  Then I said that her and I would probably meet the year we were 62 and travel the world just like old friends do.  We would tell each other all that we’ve been through.  How love is rare and life is strange.  How nothing lasts forever and people change.

So it seems we are planning on it.  I know I am.

I did call her around 8 o’clock tonight, but she was on her way to work, so she wants me to call back after 10.

First time I’ve heard her voice in 10 months.  After that trip last August, I thought it would all fade away.  But there is something between us that seems is unable to die.  I’ve heard that true love never dies.

But I’m not sure…I’m only 19-years-old.  What do I know?

Perhaps Emily and I really will be in touch forever.

Be with me Lord.

I do know that what we have will never go away, so I give it to you Father.

Emily’s picture is the most beautiful thing I have seen in a very long time.

 

April 7, 1995 – Friday – 12:35 p.m.

After I wrote in my journal, I ran down to the post office to see if I had received a letter from Emily.  She said she had written me one.

It came!  And I’ll write it in here.

Prince Jacob,

“Whether it was chance or that thing called fate that brought you to me, I really can’t say.  And I don’t believe it really matters.  For I have been lucky enough to have the opportunity to hold you.  Not just in my arms, but also in my heart.  And should the winds of time blow hard enough to take you from my arms, you can rest assured they will never take you from my heart.” – Javan

Dearest, dearest, wonderful, perfect, and loving Jacob.  I miss you.  I miss your voice.  I’ve been on cloud nine since we talked.  I ran to the mailbox everyday to look for your letters.  What have you done to me?  Every word you give me, I fall deeper in love with you.

“For a few moments In my life

You made me feel

As if I truly meant

Something to someone”

This was such a special gift.  Special like a rose for love, not a special occasion.  Special like kisses who seem innocent but mean the world.  Special like rain and someone who will dance in it with you and get wet just because they want to be with you.

When I woke up, fog covered my window. Without thinking, I wrote your name with my finger.

I could only wonder if I was smart falling in love with someone I can’t have.  But I can have you.  Only your words, only your paper.  This is how it works.  I can only take what I am given.  Nothing more.

You are the sun… Shine!  Shine! I am the moon. Even though we appear equal, we can never unite.  We are a sunrise and sunset away.  Close enough to whisper, but we can’t touch.  One must always sleep.  But when you get in the state when you aren’t really asleep and you aren’t really awake…that’s where it begins.  That is where we belong eternally.

I’ll never tell you I miss you again, but my pillow answers to your name now.

Does life come with an instruction book?  An instructor?  Yes…I know the secret.  So do you…

Can you read me?

Can you feel me?

Can you love me?

I want you to be everything. I won’t let anyone enter my mind, but I would be willing to let you take a walk.  Walk with me and let me point things out to you about me.  May I walk through your mind.  I promise to only leave my footprints…if I leave.

I don’t cry.  I can’t.  Does this make me empty? Outside my open window the morning air is all awash with angels who gently kiss me.  Thank you for your kisses. Thank you for the roses.  Thank you Angels.  You help me.

Jacob, I am a child trapped in a woman’s body.  

I have fears, but no regrets, and… I cannot cry. Not that I want to or feel I should, I just wonder what this makes me. I am a cloud. I want to be the moon. You make me the moon.

I love you.

I love you.

I can’t have you.

Oh well, what does a dumb old flower know anyway?

She loves you. Can I love? Do you love? Why, why, why, why?

My prayers will always hold special lines for you.

Who are you?  Can I touch you?  Walk with you?  Hold your hand?  Kiss away the tears I cannot make?  Tell my friends I love you?  Give you all of me, eternally?

Do you want me?

Don’t answer.  

I can’t bear disappointment.  

I hurt easily.  No one has been able to understand me yet.  Do you dare try?  I will try to tear you apart with my mind.  Will you stop me?  Please don’t let me walk on you.  Don’t cry in front  of me.  I will be too jealous.  Your tears would become a wall. I will tear my walls down, but I need help. Do you dare?  It’s a rough game.  I think you can win.  But, I won’t lose.  I’ve picked you for a reason. Trust me!  Play, but remember everything I say can be truth or jest.  I do not lie and most important…I love you.

I don’t want to hurt you, but my Prince you must finish the test (you’ve passed so far).  

You are very impressive.

I love you!

Please understand, I’ve been…

Please just understand.

You know me.

Love, Angel xxxooo

Let me be honest.  Emily hurts, she has hurt in her that she is not letting go of.  God has chosen me to rescue her.  I’m not going to play her game.  I’m not going to analyze every word she says.  I’m going to be me. I don’t need glorification.  I don’t need thanksgiving.  I only need to be loved by God.

I only need two things, Love and Freedom!

And when I say love, I meant that I need to love.  I need to want.  I need to need.  I need to help.  My satisfaction in life comes from knowing that I have loved and helped another person.

I also need freedom.  Freedom to tell people how I feel.  Freedom to laugh.  Freedom to cry.  Freedom to love.  I cannot live this life in a box.  I can’t wear a mask.  I can’t be somebody I’m not.

I need to be free.

Emily does to.

However, while I’m rescuing her, I am falling in love with her at the same time.

March 23, 1995 – Thursday – 4:55 p.m.

Today, when I walked into the post office, I ran to my box, praying that a letter from Emily would be in there.

And there was.

Excited, I opened it and read this:

Jacob,

There are so many people out there who give so little but some things are worth so much.  Your tender words caress my soul.  You mean so much.  I too was having an awful day, but when I read your letter I became high on life.  Thank you, for whatever it is worth.

I’ve lived a pretty hard life.  I can’t remember how much I have told you, but it has taken me a while to admit to needing help.  My emotions are so forgotten I believed they cease to exist.  I put walls all around me and closed my eyes.  No body has entered my mind and I’ve become void.

Emptyness is better because the pain can’t get it.  It won’t hurt anymore.  I believed this for a long time and I could only hurt the ones I loved to get back at this game of life.  Now I realize more than ever how special every creature is and how we all fit into the giant puzzle no one can solve.  It would be much easier if we all cared, but not many people do.  There is no easy way to do things.  And nothing is fool proof.  I hope your friends you were speaking about can relate their problems to someone special.  I’m lucky to have you.  We all need to be loved.

Thank you for giving me a door to a brighter tomorrow.  After all it can’t rain all the time.  People like you know how to give and receive, never being too greedy or too generous.  I miss people like you.  They are hard to find

Jacob, you can be the prince of my heart anytime.  You only have to ask.  Don’t let fear stop you from anything.  I’ve become aware to your kindheartedness and true inner beauty.  I’ve grown so much.

Do you know how old I am?  How old do you think I am?  Does it matter to you or will you be prejudice if I wasn’t the right age?  I don’t look or act my age.  I truly don’t feel my age.  Can you guess how old I am?  Have I ever given you any impression of my age?  It’s sort of a game I play.  I was just wondering if you had caught on.  It’s really no big deal.  If you get it within two years I’ll give you a penny, okay!  It’s a bet!

Recently I have been feeling really ugly and I’ve had low self-esteem.  I’ve begun to realize why.  I’m not quite sure yet.  So, just keep praying for me and I will let you know as soon as I brainstorm.

I hope you are enjoying or have enjoyed your visit home.  Hopefully you have good memories and feelings.

My mom sat me down and talked to me today about seeing a psychiatrist.  I was hurt at first, but now I think it may help.  I don’t want to go, but I think God wants me to, so I will.

How do you feel about that?  Have you ever done that before?

You know it’s odd, but it seems as if I can tell you anything.  I know if we got together we could talk non-stop for days, but it seems more special to communicate with ink.  I’ve grown attached to you.  I don’t know what you are to me, but special.  

I love you very much.  You will always have a big piece of me.  I want you to have it.  It’s the only thing I can give you that means anything.  You deserve the best and I will treat you the best I can.

And since we are hundreds of miles away, I can only give you my pen, only my paper.  But whatever forms occupy my space, I want them to be for you.  Do you accept?

You know, I will forever cherish our few hours filled with smiles and game, but the way I know you now seems to be a far greater value to me than all the smiles I’ve seen.

Time is precious.

Thanks for giving me yours.

Love is precious.

Thanks for giving me yours.

I can be the best in the world for you.  Please let me hold you for a while.  Please take me.

I need to be held.

Love your angel, 

Emily

It turns out those few random hours from 9:00 p.m. to midnight on June 19, 1993 at the Deep Creek Campground near Bryson City, North Carolina may have changed my life forever.

If I only see her ink, her ink will do.

If I can’t hold her there in Florida, I will hold her ink and paper here.

If that fades away, like everything else.

I will fall in love with her again in heaven.

March 13, 1995 – Monday – 11:25 p.m.

Today, Jenna turned 15-years-old.  She is growing up.

I don’t work until tomorrow, so today I went for a walk in the woods, washed dishes, played Game Boy and Super Nintendo with Mike, and then I went to Sanford with Marcus to celebrate Jenna’s birthday.  There was a surprise party for her at Kiesha’s house.  I suppose she was surprised.  The only people there were myself, Marcus, Sunny, Kiesha, and Jenna.

I decided we would play a karaoke-improv game.  Everyone had fun.  Kiesha lives right near Jenna and Tenielle, so afterwards, we walked through a path in the dark.  Tenielle was cold and scared, so she stayed close to me.  I held her hand while we walked.

I also wrote Emily a letter today.

March 7, 1995 – Tuesday – 11:02 a.m.

Some things have happened.

Good things.

Emily and I still write to each other.  She is the beautiful girl from Florida I met in June of 1993 at Deep Creek.  Months would go by and we wouldn’t write, but during the past month or so I have received a letter from her every week; beautiful pink and scented envelopes.  I even got a letter from her yesterday.

And it is the most beautiful thing I have seen in a long time.  I will write it in here:

Jacob,

Hey!  I’m sorry to hear about you and your girlfriend, but if she tried to make you look bad, then she is a fool and you don’t need her.  That may sound awful, but you deserve better.  No one should have to put up with that!  I trust you are doing the right thing.  Don’t be her puppy, okay!

My life has been really good.  I quit basketball and softball, and now I’m doing track.  It’s alright, I’m just really out of shape!  It’s hard at the beginning, but I guess it’s worth more that way.  I love to accomplish goals.  There’s a certain dignity to it; not pride, dignity.  There is a difference.

Your acting and directing career sounds really exciting!  You have to let me star in one of your movies!  Ha Ha!  (I can be an extra!)  That’s a really nice decision for a career.  I wish you the best.

I really look forward to your letters.  I believe we have built an enormous friendship.  I feel like I’ve known you forever!  You are a unique and caring person.  Thank you so much for taking the time to care about how I feel.  So little people can even begin to understand my head.  I am a very bottomless person.  Tell me anything and I will take it for what is means to me, in my life, in my experience.  I don’t believe in analyzing everything to death.

‘Cause I am not supposed to see.

‘Cause the blind are never free.

Even in my own head I think I could hide.  Even though the sun has kissed me and embraced me I will never know the warmth of its glow, but I still have a chance to grow.  This I know, someday I’ll find…

A rose without a thorn

A lover without scorn

So that’s why I keep on looking.  Even though my head may roam my heart will always stay home.  Yet I find it searching, or better waiting.  Waiting for the perfect and pure prince to make it whole.  The King of my heart is steadfast and immovable, but who is worthy enough to be called his son?  No one I fear.  Not even I am worthy to make his chambers inside the pits of my soul.

Jacob, I am searching.

What am I looking for?

What will I find?

Thank you for all the prayers!

I need you.

I love you.

You are very special.

Love, Emily

October 27, 1994 – Thursday – 11:10 p.m.

Today I went to court with Jeni for her speeding ticket she got on the way back from Carowinds.

It was rough, but she made it through.  She got the holy crap scared out of her and she probably won’t ever speed again.  The only thing she had to do was pay the fine and the court cost.  It totaled $110.

We ate breakfast and lunch out in Wilkesboro since it was over an hour from Lees-McRae.  She was glad I came along.  She said she really needed me since it was a stressful event.

I missed my classes for the day, but it was worth it.  She leaves for tour Sunday night and she will return the following Sunday.

Now I believe I’ll write her some letters.  One for each day she is gone.