October 31, 1997 – Friday – 4:11 p.m.

October is ending.

And my life is beginning.

“Masks” is a beautiful piece.  So many tell me it is their favorite dance of the show.  They even like it better than what X-Factor, our professional dance company, does.  But I think it is only great because I covered it in prayer.

I hugged Abigail after the show last night.  She is so soft.  She held my hand and I held hers.  We both looked into each other’s eyes and said “thank you.”

We had Bible Study after the show, but due to Charlie’s shout out with Kate, and a lot of girls overheard it, he decided to let me lead.  He didn’t even show up.  We praised the Lord for so long last night and I gave a simple message about knowing truth.  Emily was there; that’s Emily from my scene with Mason, not “my” true Emily from Crestview.  She cried.  She will belong to the Lord very soon.  Jesus can change anyone and everyone.

Abigail gave a testimony about how she has finally come to peace with her life and she looked at me the whole time.  We shared so many smiles last night.

We have spent a small amount of time together each day and we seem to grow closer.  I undoubtedly go to sleep the happiest man in the world every night.  We sat next to each other during lunch.  Her uncovered knee touched mine and it took her a few seconds before she pulled away.

I believe her parents are coming tomorrow.  I wonder if they’ll see me any differently.  Perhaps she as shared with her mom the small things that have happened between us.  Perhaps not.  Perhaps it is all in my head; like last time.

Jeni called me last night.  She said she has been thinking about me a lot recently.  She seemed sad and even cried over the phone.  I told her about the 27 people at Bible Study and how everything has been forgiven and set free between everyone.

So now, it is only appropriate that I thank my Jesus.  He has given me this peace.  He has given me Abigail’s smile again, so if it that smile goes away, it won’t break my heart completely.  Through her smile, he has shown me a grace that is way more than I deserve.

I’ve never been so in love with Jesus.  He gives me my dance in the shower.  He gives me my minutes in each hour.  This peace is indescribable.  I wear no mask.  I’m surrounded by his love.

I want nothing but to worship you Lord.

Spring worship unto thee.

October 31, 1995 – Tuesday – 10:55 p.m.

On September 14, 1994, a Wednesday, at 6:17 p.m., I wrote:

Something happened today.  I saw a girl.  I don’t know her name.  I don’t know her.  But she caught my eye like no one else has up here at Lees-McRae College: my new home.

I remember that girl to be Penny W.  She was at the carnival last night.  She smiled at me.  We talked a little bit.  I found myself thinking of her as I fell asleep last night.

I just got back from the concert.  I had such a good time.  Charlie, Kate, Dan, Vince, Mike, Michelle, Lisa, Miki, and Suzanne all came from the college.  We all praised the Lord together.

Laura was there.  We are going to go over to her house on Thursday to eat dinner and play Taboo.  Dan really likes Laura, but then again, I once did as well.  Hmm.  I probably still do.

And to add to the festivities, Kate was baptized in the river behind the church.

Everything is great.  But although I had wonderful friends and beautiful girls all around me tonight, there were times when I would look up from the midst of the crowd and still feel very lonely.

But as I look back in this section, I see so many little details that point toward the fact that I am not alone:  Discovering Regent University, being viewed as the best RA, bringing Allen to the Lord, Erica and Kristen.

What a wonderful life I’ve been given.

There is so much love all around me.

October 31, 1995 – Tuesday – 1:15 p.m.

Little Women was great; everyone did an awesome job!  Church was wonderful on Sunday as well.

Last night I ran the FCA table at the Halloween carnival.  Some people who were in Little Women were there and I talked with them.  Something else happened at the carnival, but I’ll tell you about that later.

We are going to the Brian White and Justice concert tonight.

Tracey turns 20-years-old today.

October is coming to a close.  And after almost 3 1/2 months, it seems that my 9th Book of Days will finally do the same.

October 24, 1995 – Tuesday – 11:27 a.m.

Yesterday was pretty cool.  I went to the Tweetsie Railroad Ghost Train and did some volunteer work.  I was the back stage technician for a show.  It runs six times a night and has a three person cast.  Mindy, a girl who I drove with from Lees-McRae, was in the cast.  The other two cast members were an older man and a beautiful 21-year-old girl.  This girl and I began talking and I asked her where she went to school.  She said, “Catawba.”

“Catawba!”  I said.  “Isn’t that in Salisbury?”

“Yeah.”

“I know someone there.”

“Oh really, who?”

“Matthew F.”

Her face lit up so bright!  It turns out that Matt is one of her greatest friends.  In case you don’t know who Matt is, he is Jason and Christi’s brother.  We talked about their whole family and how she knew everyone.  I told her how important Jason and Christi were to me.

She said that Matt was in a play that starts this week.  She said she might go see it and asked if I wanted to come along.

I said yes!  I hope we do go.  And what if the rest of the Matt’s family was there too!

Wow!

What if I see Christi?!

October 31, 1994 – Monday – 9:40 p.m.

It’s Tracey’s birthday!

It’s also Halloween, but that’s not nearly as important.

Last night Al, my acting partner in Of Mice and Men, and I helped Mr. Angel move.  He is the director of religious and campus life here at Lees-McRae.  I really like him a lot.  He comes to FCA meetings.  I can’t remember if I told you about Al or not, but he is not all there.  There seems to be some sort of learning disability or something going on, which can be a little annoying, but at the end of the day I’m no better than he is so I’ll try to be patient.  He reminds me of Misty.

Jeni will be back in three days!

That seems so long.

It was only Glenda and I at our breakfast Bible Study this morning.  She used to be at odds with Charlie, but now I think she is realizing how stupid all of it was.  She is handling this situation like Jesus would.

Tonight there is a concert at Heaton Christian Church:  Brian White and Justice!  It should be a lot of fun.  I wish Jeni could be there though.

I miss you Jeni.

October 30, 1994 – Sunday – 3:05 p.m.

Jeni has gone.  She won’t be back until Thursday.  I miss her already.  She wasn’t able to go to church with me this morning; she had rehearsal.

Last night she and I talked to Charlie for a long time.  There is this girl that Charlie has been interested in.  He finally asked her out last night and he was telling us how it went.  He was nervous.

I went for a walk this afternoon and ended up in a place I had never been before.  It was really pretty.  I really don’t know what I’m going to do since Jeni is gone.  If she was here, I’d be over at her room right now.  I’ll survive though, this will show me how important she is to me.

I called my mom this morning since I needed some money.  I also talked to my dad the night before last.

Last night, we threw Tracey a surprise birthday party and we played a few games.  About 20 people were there.  Everyone had a lot of fun.  Tracey will be 19 tomorrow.  Her birthday is on Halloween!

Speaking of Halloween, November is almost here!  I have been here at Lees-McRae College for two months now, and I have not yet returned home.  When I do finally go home it will be 2 1/2 months since I’ve been there.  That is a long time.  And I am a different person now from who I was on the day I left.

I have met so many new people since that day.  And I have fallen in love with one of them.

September 2, 1993 – Thursday – 9:45 p.m

September 2nd.

September 2nd.

That’s impossible!

It can’t be September already.

But it is.  I guess that means I was having fun.

This year in Spanish II, I sit in the same seat I did last year in Spanish I.  The same people who sat around me last year sit around me this year.  Today, Mr. Benton said something funny that reminded me of something funny he said last year.  It seemed like time didn’t pass and I was still in 1992.

But time has passed.

Last year about this time, the skit group was on a roll.  We were getting new skits together and I was so much infatuated with Ryan.  Skit group practice has been some of the best times of my life.  We still have it, but it is not the same.  Brandon is gone.  Anne is gone.  Jason our leader is gone.  Kevin is gone.

Those days are gone.

I want them back so bad, but life doesn’t work that way.  They were here for a season and now they are gone.

Forever.

Even if I could live one of those days over again it would be so painful.  Just knowing that it was in the past and that it would never return would be too much to bear.

Where are they?

Silence.

Only my memories?

I want more.

September 2nd?

1993?

Please NO!

Why is life like this?  Even the most joyful times of my life end up causing a little pain.  I don’t want to grow up.  Not yet!

A senior in high school?  It’s too soon!

Retrospect hurts.

I want to stay a child just a little bit longer.  What’s the rush?

I want to go to skit group practice again.

I want to talk to Ryan in the balcony of her high school theater on September 12, 1992 again.

I want to have a lock-in at church during Halloween again, fasting all night for the lost, breaking that fast at the crack of dawn with day old pizza, and watching a sleepy Ryan and a sleepy Christi as they laid their heads on each other’s shoulders.

But it is only a Winter Dream.  No matter how much I wish, tomorrow will come.  And then September 4th, and 5th, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, and then the 12th.

September 12, 1993 is going to be a painful day for me.  Help me God.

Brandon called me yesterday.  He wants me to come see him during Christmas.  I want to, but flying to Arizona costs a lot of money.

I miss him.

My best friend moved away!