December 28, 1993 – Tuesday – 8:43 p.m.

My Grandpa came to visit me today.  He is still the wisest man I know.  I hope I will be like him when I am his age.  Wouldn’t it be something if I kept writing My Book of Days past sixty?  Over 50 years of my life written down.

I just read the introduction in my new Les Miserables book.  Victor Hugo finished writing the book of his life when he was sixty.  I’m 17 and I think Challenger’s Deep is the book of my life.

What will all these days mean to me when I’m sixty?  I’m almost done with my fourth Book of Days.  Is any of this important?

My life has hardly begun.

But nevertheless, it has begun.  I’m here.  I am on this earth, and I can’t leave.  I have to be here.  I often think if I would be a different person if I were born into another family and another environment.  But now that I think about it, it is stupid to think that way.  This is the only life I’ve ever known.  God gave me this life.  I don’t have a choice.  I am me, whoever I am.

I guess that is ultimately up to me to decide.  God gave me free will, but in that free will he gave me characteristics of who he created me to be.  He has a will, but it is up to me to live up to it.

Have I figured myself out yet?  I believe I have.  I know I have.  The people I’ve come in contact with know that I’m a person who loves Jesus, loves the theater, tells stupid jokes, is inspired by Les Miserables, and sees himself as something valuable in the future.  I am a person with hope.  I person with joy.  This is my duty.  I can’t be anyone else.  I guess the beautiful thing is, I like who I am.  I like hanging out with me.  I like who I have to be and need to be for other people.

This could actually be fun.

August 10, 1993 – Tuesday – 11:00 p.m.

I got so caught up with my past in the last entry that I didn’t finish with the weekend.

Sleepless in Seattle was great.  I loved it.  You must see that movie.  It gave me hope and patience.  The final note of my canon is out there somewhere and one day I will meet her (if I haven’t already).

I went back to my dad’s work and helped him for a little while then I went for a walk in Colonial Williamsburg.  I had seen it all before.  Nothing was new.

After that, I went back to my other Grandpa’s house and we left at 5:30 in the morning.  We got back in time for church and everyone was surprised to see me.  Ryan and I decided to meet with everyone in the Children’s Church Drama Team at her house to rehearse because we didn’t like doing everything on the spot.  The people on the drama team are myself, Ryan, Christi, Cheryl, and Amy.

I got a letter from Emily today.  She sent me a picture.  She looked beautiful.  An amazing smile.

Jonathan’s birthday party was last night even though his birthday is the day after mine.  We watched Monty Python and the Holy Grail.  What a stupid movie.

For his birthday I made him a tape of several songs.  Together, they tell the story of his life.  It is very touching and emotional.  I titled it Jonathan: The Musical.  It’s great and he liked it a lot.

I got some more typewriter ribbon and I wrote some more in my novel today.

Something happened this past weekend that really got to me.  My dad was taking me to Grandpa’s when suddenly I said, “Dang, my balls itch!”  So, I scratched them, obviously.

Then, my dad said, “That’s what I miss the most.  I don’t get to hear every little thing you say, no matter how small it is.  I don’t get to hear you say your balls itch and I miss that.”

Boy did I ever laugh so much.  I cracked up and my dad did too.  We joked around and I said, “Well, every time my balls itch I’ll call you up and tell you.”  We laughed together, but he meant what he said.

And it’s true.

My dad doesn’t even know all my friends from church.  He’s never met them.  He doesn’t hear about the simple things that happen at school.  He is lonely with a little job at a golf course.  He is 43-years-old and now he lives with his parents because he can’t afford an apartment.

My dad.  My father.  Nobody can make me laugh like he can.  Some of the best times of my life have been with him.

The Miss Teen USA Pageant came on tonight.  I watched half of it while talking to Brandon.  He’s okay.  He’s been in Arizona for six months or so now.

Anyway, when I first saw Miss Vermont, I immediately knew she would win.  It was just in her eyes.

Sure enough!  She did win!

She was crying and I whispered, “It’s okay, you deserve it.”