December 4, 1999 – Saturday – 12:05 p.m.

Another week has passed and I’ve finally found time to write.

I saw Toy Story 2 with Tracey’s family and then Vince arrived on Sunday.  Marie returned from her visit him and we spent some time together and had dinner at Applebee’s on Wednesday.  She shared with me a family photo album, which she brought from home.  I got to see her family as well as pictures from her trips to Israel and Egypt.  She even showed me her diary, which she’s been keeping since the age of six.  It was the most precious thing I’ve ever seen.

I told her that when I was that age I was doing similar things and that I dreamed there was a girl out there doing the same thing as well.  Seeing picture of Marie in high school, wow, it was like I had seen her before in my dreams.

God, please take care of our hearts.

Rehearsals for “Clown of God” have been crazy, but the show opened last night and it went well.  Vince and Marie came and we went out for ice-cream afterward.

We also had a location scout on Friday and God gave us a lot of favor.  It was weird because I’m the director, but I didn’t need to do anything.  Everyone else was just doing their job and I just sat back and watched it all come together.  It was very humbling.

It has been a joy to have Vince here, but it is also very weird combining Lees-McRae and Regent.

I have a show this afternoon, then I’ll work on some papers due next week.  The show runs all next week and ends on December 12th.  I’ll take my finals and then everything ends on the 15th.  I’m sure Marie will leave soon after that.  We are trying to make plans to see each other around Christmas.  I’ll stay and work at the bookstore until the 22nd and try to get pre-production completed for Dang!.  Marie may spend the new year here.  I’m not sure.  Vince will go back on the 22nd, and I’ll drive to Uncle Jeff’s house in Maryland for Christmas.

I wish life would slow down.

Just a little bit.

November 27, 1999 – Saturday – 5:38 p.m.

Sometimes I wait for my life to begin

Sometimes our hearts should begin in the end

Sometimes my life is just paper and pen

But then sometimes I think of you

. . .

Tracey and I watched old Lees-McRae dance videos last night.  They were from four or five years ago.  I have forgotten that I am 23.  Those two numbers next to each other look very old to me.  But it is all relative.  I’m sure to others I’m a little punk who doesn’t know anything about life yet.  And they are probably right.

This month is ending and I have two screenplays and a huge paper to finish.

But this is not about me.

I am beginning to see that I will never do really huge things in my career.  Sure, I may make some movies, and I may have a few good roles on the stage and screen, but these things will never be greater than making a girl smile.  What am I if I do not love?

I am nothing.

. . .

Vince is coming, but I have so much work and a show to do.  I know not what Christmas brings, but I hope to see Marie and meet her family.  I know not what will happen for New Year’s either, but I do know that the following week I will be directing Dang!.

Oh God, you have much to do through me.

Hold the clock.  Stop the sun.

Speed me up.  Slow me down.

 

November 22, 1999 – Monday – 5:08 p.m.

Things are getting…well…I don’t believe there is a word for it.

Marie came to church with me and I think she had a good time.  We talked later in the evening.  It turns out that eight other guys beside myself have expressed their interest in her since she moved here in August.  I see that she is a tall, thin, and beautiful woman of God, but that still surprised and shocked me to hear.  But then she said that all of those other guys didn’t really know the real her, but that I did.  She said she felt overwhelmingly blessed by my friendship and that scares her.  She sees me as a treasure.  So there is really nothing I can do except let go and be myself.  We will constantly try to just be thankful for what we have, whatever that is, and try to not look too deeply into the future.

I called Lindy last night.  It seems like Vince is going to be coming here on Friday.

Life feels to be move so quickly.  It is constantly changing.  The very moment something seems to be a constant, or seems to be secure, poof!, it changes!  Only God’s love and grace is constant.  Which brings me to mention that I believe I’ve felt Him more during the past few months than other times in my life.  I wake up in peace although my world is in chaos.

How excellent and crazy it will be to have Vince here!  My good, good friend, yet he does not really belong in this world.  Maybe he can find a place.

Lord, help me not grow too anxious about anything.  Help me take it a day at a time as it comes.

Thanksgiving is around the corner again.  I haven’t had Thanksgiving with my mom since 1993 and even that wasn’t in our home in Siler City.  How weird that I don’t have a home in Siler City anymore.

It is 5:30 p.m. and it is already dark.  I’m looking forward to seeing tomorrow’s full moon with Marie again in North Carolina.  Due to my rehearsal, we will only have an hour to spend there.  Only three weeks of classes remain.  Not only do I have to complete the semester, but I have to finish all of pre-production for DANG!.

Oh God, what is happening?  I laugh because I have no control.  I see your hand on everything.  I see all is fading save you.  I don’t want to be scared God.  I don’t want to be afraid.  You always seem so close.

 

November 5, 1999 – Friday – 11:50 p.m.

Thank you Jesus.

Marie just left.  She came over to watch Smoke Signals with me.  We talked over Celtic Christmas music and candlelight for two hours.  She surpasses them all.  Can she have me God?  Can I give myself to her?

She came over Thursday as well.  She’s so beautiful.  Her face tonight, lit by a single candlelight, shadows dancing across her face.  The simple way she would speak.  The way her eyes would lift and look through me.  The questions she would ask and the stories she would tell.  The way she would talk about God.  I feels I’ve never known anything so right.

At times Regent and Virginia Beach have always felt a bit off for me.  I wasn’t sure if this was home or not.  But ever since Marie, I’ve never felt more at home in my life.

You are wonderful Lord.

 

November 3, 1999 – Wednesday – 11:54 a.m.

A new month, a new week, a new day.  The final night of October was fantastic!  After church I went out to eat with Josh, Robin, Jason, Angie, and Christ from church.  We watched The Matrix at Josh’s house.  I then picked up Marie and she came with me to the Hillbilly Harvest at church.  It was fun!  Then we went to the Cinema/TV prayer meeting which is now called “The Gig,” meaning “God is Good!”

Winnie asked me to be in her Christmas show titled “Clown of God.”  I said yes.  I play this funny little thug.  I sure hope I have the time to do it.

I went over to Marie’s last night to read some of her writing.  She is easily the best thing around here.  I’m so amazed by her.  I give her to you God.

October 24, 1999 – Sunday – 10:00 a.m.

I can’t believe it has been a week since I’ve written in my journal.  Time goes by faster than ever before.  I’ve continued to pray and it seems like I’m going to spend another year here in Virginia Beach.  Yesterday I spent 15 hours writing scripts and editing film, yet it felt like only three hours.  Thank you Jesus for allowing me to do this work.

I got my hair cut pretty short, and this week we also had our first production meetings and rehearsals for Dang!

Dan, from the bookstore, and I have been hanging out some.  He is a great new friend.  He’s Canadian and so funny.  The Bible study I go to over at Chris and Jason’s is such a blessing.  God is speaking to us about our futures.

I pitched two scripts that I think went over well on Friday.  I pray I get to direct a script I’ve written over the next year.

I have no idea what I’m going to do for Christmas, but boy is it approach quickly.

October 17, 1999 – Sunday – 8:57 a.m.

I’ve been 23 for two months already.  I’ve spent different parts of the last three days over at Zap Studios doing some directing projects.  Yesterday I spoke at the Baptist convention about Christianity and filmmaking.  I met three people who attend and work at a church that meets in a movie theater and use a lot of videos in their services.  I’m going to attend there this morning, Trey, who will play David in Dang!, is going to come with me.

I saw Three Kings and Fight Club over the weekend, two interesting films.  What weird, cynical, post modern days we live in.  Something is happening.

I’ve been reflecting back to that full moon night with Dan and Allen on the backside of Grandfather Mountain.  What was I then?  19?

I need to get away from these flat, overly-paved suburbs.