November 27, 1999 – Saturday – 5:38 p.m.

Sometimes I wait for my life to begin

Sometimes our hearts should begin in the end

Sometimes my life is just paper and pen

But then sometimes I think of you

. . .

Tracey and I watched old Lees-McRae dance videos last night.  They were from four or five years ago.  I have forgotten that I am 23.  Those two numbers next to each other look very old to me.  But it is all relative.  I’m sure to others I’m a little punk who doesn’t know anything about life yet.  And they are probably right.

This month is ending and I have two screenplays and a huge paper to finish.

But this is not about me.

I am beginning to see that I will never do really huge things in my career.  Sure, I may make some movies, and I may have a few good roles on the stage and screen, but these things will never be greater than making a girl smile.  What am I if I do not love?

I am nothing.

. . .

Vince is coming, but I have so much work and a show to do.  I know not what Christmas brings, but I hope to see Marie and meet her family.  I know not what will happen for New Year’s either, but I do know that the following week I will be directing Dang!.

Oh God, you have much to do through me.

Hold the clock.  Stop the sun.

Speed me up.  Slow me down.

 

November 22, 1999 – Monday – 5:08 p.m.

Things are getting…well…I don’t believe there is a word for it.

Marie came to church with me and I think she had a good time.  We talked later in the evening.  It turns out that eight other guys beside myself have expressed their interest in her since she moved here in August.  I see that she is a tall, thin, and beautiful woman of God, but that still surprised and shocked me to hear.  But then she said that all of those other guys didn’t really know the real her, but that I did.  She said she felt overwhelmingly blessed by my friendship and that scares her.  She sees me as a treasure.  So there is really nothing I can do except let go and be myself.  We will constantly try to just be thankful for what we have, whatever that is, and try to not look too deeply into the future.

I called Lindy last night.  It seems like Vince is going to be coming here on Friday.

Life feels to be move so quickly.  It is constantly changing.  The very moment something seems to be a constant, or seems to be secure, poof!, it changes!  Only God’s love and grace is constant.  Which brings me to mention that I believe I’ve felt Him more during the past few months than other times in my life.  I wake up in peace although my world is in chaos.

How excellent and crazy it will be to have Vince here!  My good, good friend, yet he does not really belong in this world.  Maybe he can find a place.

Lord, help me not grow too anxious about anything.  Help me take it a day at a time as it comes.

Thanksgiving is around the corner again.  I haven’t had Thanksgiving with my mom since 1993 and even that wasn’t in our home in Siler City.  How weird that I don’t have a home in Siler City anymore.

It is 5:30 p.m. and it is already dark.  I’m looking forward to seeing tomorrow’s full moon with Marie again in North Carolina.  Due to my rehearsal, we will only have an hour to spend there.  Only three weeks of classes remain.  Not only do I have to complete the semester, but I have to finish all of pre-production for DANG!.

Oh God, what is happening?  I laugh because I have no control.  I see your hand on everything.  I see all is fading save you.  I don’t want to be scared God.  I don’t want to be afraid.  You always seem so close.

 

November 5, 1999 – Friday – 11:50 p.m.

Thank you Jesus.

Marie just left.  She came over to watch Smoke Signals with me.  We talked over Celtic Christmas music and candlelight for two hours.  She surpasses them all.  Can she have me God?  Can I give myself to her?

She came over Thursday as well.  She’s so beautiful.  Her face tonight, lit by a single candlelight, shadows dancing across her face.  The simple way she would speak.  The way her eyes would lift and look through me.  The questions she would ask and the stories she would tell.  The way she would talk about God.  I feels I’ve never known anything so right.

At times Regent and Virginia Beach have always felt a bit off for me.  I wasn’t sure if this was home or not.  But ever since Marie, I’ve never felt more at home in my life.

You are wonderful Lord.

 

November 3, 1999 – Wednesday – 11:54 a.m.

A new month, a new week, a new day.  The final night of October was fantastic!  After church I went out to eat with Josh, Robin, Jason, Angie, and Christ from church.  We watched The Matrix at Josh’s house.  I then picked up Marie and she came with me to the Hillbilly Harvest at church.  It was fun!  Then we went to the Cinema/TV prayer meeting which is now called “The Gig,” meaning “God is Good!”

Winnie asked me to be in her Christmas show titled “Clown of God.”  I said yes.  I play this funny little thug.  I sure hope I have the time to do it.

I went over to Marie’s last night to read some of her writing.  She is easily the best thing around here.  I’m so amazed by her.  I give her to you God.

October 24, 1999 – Sunday – 10:00 a.m.

I can’t believe it has been a week since I’ve written in my journal.  Time goes by faster than ever before.  I’ve continued to pray and it seems like I’m going to spend another year here in Virginia Beach.  Yesterday I spent 15 hours writing scripts and editing film, yet it felt like only three hours.  Thank you Jesus for allowing me to do this work.

I got my hair cut pretty short, and this week we also had our first production meetings and rehearsals for Dang!

Dan, from the bookstore, and I have been hanging out some.  He is a great new friend.  He’s Canadian and so funny.  The Bible study I go to over at Chris and Jason’s is such a blessing.  God is speaking to us about our futures.

I pitched two scripts that I think went over well on Friday.  I pray I get to direct a script I’ve written over the next year.

I have no idea what I’m going to do for Christmas, but boy is it approach quickly.

October 17, 1999 – Sunday – 8:57 a.m.

I’ve been 23 for two months already.  I’ve spent different parts of the last three days over at Zap Studios doing some directing projects.  Yesterday I spoke at the Baptist convention about Christianity and filmmaking.  I met three people who attend and work at a church that meets in a movie theater and use a lot of videos in their services.  I’m going to attend there this morning, Trey, who will play David in Dang!, is going to come with me.

I saw Three Kings and Fight Club over the weekend, two interesting films.  What weird, cynical, post modern days we live in.  Something is happening.

I’ve been reflecting back to that full moon night with Dan and Allen on the backside of Grandfather Mountain.  What was I then?  19?

I need to get away from these flat, overly-paved suburbs.

October 6, 1999 – Wednesday – 11:50 p.m.

It is close to midnight between the 6th and 7th of October.

I just visited with Mary Jo.  Rob asked her to marry him.  She said yes.  She told me the whole story.  It was completely romantic.

So that is about four weddings next summer; five if Charlie and Kate decide to tie the knot.

I’m beginning a five-section notebook.  It has been over two years since I’ve done that.  I’ve decided that after I finish this third half-dozen that I’m going to just write in my journal like the last one and let them title themselves.  But I may change my mind.  You never know.

I’ve been writing my thesis paper.  I taught a class at church tonight as well.  Emily emailed me and I emailed her back.  It is a new form of communication for us.  So, I guess I didn’t end our story after all.

Sixteen Books of Days now.

Lord may your will be done in my life.  May that always be what I write down in these pages.

 

October 1, 1999 – Friday – 10:30 p.m.

Much has happened in the past week.  Sadly, the Caedmon’s Call was cancelled because Danielle, the lead female singer, got really sick.  So, Lindy and I just spent the weekend in Lynchburg and we were ourselves.  We got a hotel room, ate out, went to some movies, and just hung out.  It was delightful.  What a good friend.

Tuesday and Wednesday were my auditions for DANG!, and they went so well.  I just returned from callbacks.  All is cast except for the role of Amanda.  I’ll meet with two other girls tomorrow and then we’ll decide.  Our callback process was really something.  Everyone said it was the most fun, even if they didn’t get cast.  It was an amazing time for cast and crew and especially for me.

And so, goodbye September.  Three months remain.  What do they hold?

Oh, I forgot to mention that both my scripts were chosen for me to complete and submit. Then they’ll be voted on again.  And my film came back from the lab for at shoot at Sterling’s house.  We have to do one retake, but that’s no problem.  I just love the world of film!  It is home sweet home.

I look around me and this world seems full of so many stories to tell.  But these pages are dedicated to telling the story of Him and me, and about His freedom, and how to find it.

September 16, 1999 – Thursday – 6:49 p.m.

This has been a lonely day even though I spent some good hours with Dan, Theresa, and Amy from the bookstore.  The power went out and we got together to play a board game.

I have a bit of a headache.  My neighbors above me have really heavy footsteps.  I wish it would snow, so I could feel quiet and clean.  I wish I could ride horses against a Kentucky sunset.

David, my roommate, is as introverted as Matt.  I knocked on his door earlier and asked if I could come in and he said “no.”  His door is always closed to me.

Abigail and Jeni have recently had birthdays.  September is half over.  Then only three months left.  Some days I get so scared.  It all seems so big.  But there are other days in which being alive is the easiest thing there is.

I had a neat conversation with a Greek named Bill last night.  I was the first to get deep into his soul since he’s come to Regent.  He told me I’m the first and only person he has met who seems well rounded in all the gifts.  I’m not exactly sure what that means, but it was nice.

I also pitched “To Fly” on Monday.  Afterwards I was complemented by so many classmates telling me I was an amazing writer.  Why am I still so lonely here?  Was I this lonely at Lees-McRae?  I must like the wide spaces the mountains provided, it gave my heart room to grow.

Jesus, it is so hard to share you.  I feel like you’re all mine.  It feels like you spend all your time with me.  How can you be in my room and in David’s as well?  How can your spirit pour while I’m at church and also while I’m alone?  Can you be the leader of this dance?

I don’t know where to take you that you haven’t already been.

 

September 7, 1999 – Tuesday – 4:37 p.m.

The days have gone by very quickly.  Will the passing of time never cease to amaze me?

A bunch of guys from church and school got together to minister at the beach on Labor Day.  Then a few of us hung out in my apartment together and wrote original worship songs.  It was an amazing time!  I worked on the lyrics while the others wrote the music.

Auditions for my film are in three weeks and we haven’t raised a dime.  But God is in control.  I asked him to test my faith through this project, so I’m sure he is.

My facial hair grows faster these days.  Does that mean I am getting older?  I plan on spending most of this evening in the computer lab.

. . .

Kara just called me.  She’s a woman I met at a party and Chris and Jason’s last night.  We talked for a while and discovered that her aunt’s husband put a cast on my arm when I broke it in the 7th grade.  How weird is that?  Anyway, she’s an actress and I told her about Dang!.  She wanted to know if she could come by and pick up a script.  But an even weirder thing is that just last night, after the party, I had one of those notions to just go outside and walk around the village.  After a couple of minutes, low and behold, there she was walking right towards me on her phone.  She ended up coming to my apartment and I gave her a script.  We’ve been talking for the past hour just now.  She said she didn’t expect to have such a bonding time with me.

She’s fun, kinda different, and doesn’t seem to be wearing a mask.  She said she wants to point me in the right direction to help raise some money for my film.

Thanks God!