March 14, 1995 – Tuesday – 9:00 p.m.

I worked at McDonald’s from 8:00-4:00 p.m.  Eight hours!  Mike was there.  It was fun.  I did the drive-thru.  I wasn’t looking forward to working, but I made it fun.

Mike is such a good friend.  I am so lucky to have him as a friend.  Thank you Lord for him.

I talked to Mom tonight.  We talked about a lot of different things.  My mom is okay.  I wouldn’t want another mom. I

t’s nighttime here.  It’s quiet.

I talked to Kristen today.  We talked about Fishnet.  I do plan on going this summer.  I can’t wait.  I also talked to Leslie, she gave me Kenny’s address.  I will write him.

The radio is playing.  But my thoughts are louder.

There are a lot of things in this world that I have not discovered.  There is so much I do not know.  Yet, here I am, a little boy…thinking he is a man; thinking the whole world revolves around him.  But truthfully he is nothing compared to the sum total of everyone else.  Yet he still plans on saving the world, in fact he thinks he already has.  And perhaps he has, but he will never know.  Time never stops and neither does he.  Yesterday he was born, today he is alive, tomorrow he will be dead.  Yet he continues within his short time to find himself in the fathoms of each day.

Little things mean so much to me.  A picture, a building, a tree, a certain day.  I cherish them like gold, I can’t help it, yet it’s only worth is known only to me.  I am waiting for the love of a lifetime to cross my path and join it with me.  I want to be free, but before I am completely free, I need to share my stories with the world.  I don’t know why, perhaps I’ll find the reasons along the journey.  However, my main goal is to simply experience God’s creation in every way and then tell the world about it through film and theater.  Because in each experience, a truth is learned to make this journey more easy and interesting.

I have my Bible with me to instruct me along the way.  And I have my brother Jesus by my side; the man who has already experienced everything and knows all of the answers.

But for some reason it seems like Jesus doesn’t want to give me all the answers.  He probably figures that will spoil the joy of discovering.

And boy is he right!

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September 21, 1993 – Tuesday – 8:40 p.m.

Let’s continue.

So, I fell asleep.  It was a good sleep, but then… Boom!  I heard a horrible noise and looked up and saw nothing but grass and a 55mph Speed Limit sign.  I tried to get control of the car and swerve back on the road.  I slowly put on the brakes and Marcus was just screaming my name.

The back wheel caught something or maybe an angel pushed the car, I don’t know, but it turned toward the road and sped across the highway toward the medium.  My front end jammed into the ditch at about 50 miles an hour.  The whole car fish-tailed around, turning 180 degrees and we stopped, facing the road we had just flew off.

I moaned.  I couldn’t move.  My entire body was in pain.

Turns out Marcus had fallen asleep too and neither one of us was thinking straight.  We tried to put the car in reverse and push it out.  We didn’t know he had two flat tires.

We waved some cars down and they called the ambulance.  Marcus hit his eye and his head was aching badly.  We went to the hospital in Sanford.  They checked us over pretty well.  Nothing major, but Marcus got a black eye and his sinuses are all messed up.

The car, on the other hand, may be totaled.  We won’t know until tomorrow.  My parents just got finished paying it off.  Henry bought it as a brand new car four years ago.  It is the only non-used car he has ever purchased.  He drove it everywhere and even said it was like a second home to him.  Last week my parents switched the insurance around so I could drive Henry’s car; it made their payment a little cheaper.  A week after I start driving his car, I wreck it.  Marcus has been out of school for two days because of his injury.

Needless to say, Henry is upset.  He won’t say it with his mouth but his actions toward me portray it.  It’s like he views me as something that gives him gray hair and makes him spend more money.

Mom on the other hand says the usual, “I’m just glad you are alive.  We could be buying a casket instead of a new car.”

I said, “Well, at least I would be free.”

This world is messed up.  Everything is done the wrong way.  Some people even do love the wrong way.  They fall in love with how a girl is and not who the girl is.  I might wreck a car and I might mess up my parent’s pocketbook, but I’m not going to mess up love.  I’m not going have a wrecked marriage like both Mom and Henry’s first marriage.

You know, something could have gone terribly wrong and I might not be writing this entry tonight.  Instead my Book of Days could have ended with me praying for God to do a work in me and then, BOOM!, it is over.  My journey would be complete.  My dream would come true.  I’d be with my Jesus.

But it didn’t and I’m still here.

I’m still alive.

Alive to write.  Alive to dream.  Alive to think about Ryan.  Alive to experience more pain and more misery.  Alive to grow.  Alive to learn.  Alive to wonder.  Alive to love.

Thank you Lord for letting me live.  I want so bad to be with you, but I know there is still more for me to do on this earth before I am truly free.

I want to live Lord.

I want to do your will.

I love you Jesus.

August 18, 1993 – Wednesday – 11:45 a.m.

Yesterday we went to the zoo.

It was myself, Scott C., Scott T., Ruby, Laura, Elizabeth, Nate, Cheryl, Anne, Ryan, and Amy.

I had a lot of fun.  Afterwards, we went to Fayetteville and saw Aladdin at a dollar theater.  We picked up Christi on the way there.  She’s back from New York.

The last time I saw that movie was with Veronica.  It brought back a lot of memories.  A lot of good memories.

Cheryl rode with me back to Sanford.  She said that she knew something I didn’t about Ryan, and it deals with me.  It doesn’t matter anymore.  I care, but it’s not important.

We went to McDonald’s after we got to Sanford.  They were talking about everything you could think of.  Both Christi and Ryan said they were ready to get married.  Then Christi said she just wanted to fall in love, but she knew she had some more growing up to do.

Then I said, “I just want to grow up and make movies for the rest of my life.”

Cheryl thought I said “babies.”

That is only part of my future dream.  Here is the full version:

I want to graduate high school and then go to a film school and learn everything there is to know about film and filmmaking.  Then I want to write books, novels, short stories, plays, scripts, you name it.  And I want to make movies.  Overall, I want to be a storyteller.

I want to tell stories is so many different ways for the rest of my life.

And some where in between all that, I want to find that special someone to share all the joy and all the happiness and all the love with.

And I know now that will be neither Ryan nor Christi.

And I want to have a little girl, and I want to see her grow up and have so many boys go crazy over her, and I want, one day, to give her away in marriage.

I also want to have a boy and want to watch him grow up and fall in love as well.

But above all of that, above everything else, there is one day I am looking forward to.  And that is the day I die, because:

The mountains are steep
And the valleys low
Already I’m weary
But I have so far to go
Oh, and sorrow holds my hand
And suffering sings me songs
But when I close my eyes
I know to whom I belong
Who makes me strong

I will be free
I will be free to run the mountains
I will be free
Free to drink from the living fountain
Oh, I’ll never turn back
‘Cause He waits for me
Oh, I will be free

A wise man, a rich man
In pauper’s clothes
A shepherd to lead us
Through the land of woes
Though many battles I have lost
So many rivers yet to cross
But when my eyes behold the Son
Who bore my loss, who paid the cost

I will be free
I will be free to run the mountains
I will be free
Free to drink from the living fountain
Oh, I’ll never turn back
‘Cause He waits for me
Oh, I will be free

Oh, and I’ll dance on silver moonlight
And I’ll walk through velvet fields
Oh, and I’ll run into the arms
The arms that set me free

I will be free
I will be free to run the mountains
I will be free
Free to drink from the living fountain
Oh, I’ll never turn back
‘Cause He waits….
I’ll never turn back
Don’t you ever turn back
Because someday, someday we’re gonna see
We will be free

-Cindy Morgan