April 5, 1997 – Saturday – 6:40 p.m.

It’s April 5th already.  Vince has been at the beach all week with Laura and her family.  Josh and Timothy are in Charlotte on a costuming field trip.  And I am not on duty.  It’s been a pleasant day.  My windows are wide open and the spring wind is blowing in.

Last night I hiked with Jessica and Todd for six miles to see a beautiful view of Boone.  It grew dark and cold, but Jessica and I had so much fun just talking and laughing.  She is so cool to be around.

Jeni, Tracey, Ann-Marie, and Abigail don’t talk or spend as much time with me as they used to.  I don’t know what it is.  I try to talk, I don’t believe I’ve done anything.  They just don’t respond like they used to.  It’s like there is a fog in their eyes when they are with me, like they’d rather be somewhere else.

Why do we hurt each other?  What is so hard about waltzing in the flowers?  Or even the grass?

We are the earth’s flowers, yet we choke each other at the roots.

I am a dandelion, waiting for God to blow my spirit away.

I don’t think I belong here.  It’s hard to grow in this pavement.  Loving eyes quickly turn to daggers of hatred.

People are changing.  I only long to grow in Jesus.  Am I still the same?  I think I am.

I would rather grow alone in an open field with my God, than to try to grow with others in their pavement.  But I still long for them to water my soul.  And I want to care for them as well.

When will we be free God?

March 17, 1994 – Thursday – 10:50 p.m.

Considering I only got three hours of sleep last night, I’m really tired.

So, let me continue with last night.  Jenna was at church.  Tenielle wasn’t.  Jonathan was there and he flirted with Jenna.  It didn’t really bother me, because well, it’s hard to explain.

Something has happened between the two of us.  We’re still good friends, we still joke around.  We still throw each other these looks and lines, but in those looks there is a distance.  A distance greater than there was before.

Why?

I don’t know.

I suppose it is because we both know how we used to feel and how we feel now.

Tonight we had skit practice because we will perform at the youth explosion Saturday.  The whole youth group showed up since we needed everyone.  Jenna and Tenielle were there.  And tonight Jenna looked at me in one of the ways that she does, and she asked me a question, “Jacob, am I your friend?”  I nodded and said, “Yes, you are.”  She nodded and smiled back.

And in that we both knew that what used to be had changed and we are only good friends.  Which is more than I could have asked for.  There is a distance in our eyes now.  So, we are not meant to be.

Pastor Steve handed the skits over to me again.  We did the Mask Skit and the Abortion Skit.  Those are the ones we’re going to do on Saturday.  It was fun directing.  Jonathan kept calling me Jacob Spielberg.

Afterwards, Kevin, Scott, Jonathan and I went to Taco Bell and did crazy things.  Marcus had a track meet.  We had a blast.  I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so much in one day.

It is the middle of March now.

Spring is here.

Winter is over.

In the winter of ’92-’93 I went through some complex times with Veronica.  Then spring came and so did Ryan.  My infatuation with her lasted through the spring and the summer and into the fall.  Throughout those seasons, Christi popped up every now and then.

She still does.

Then things changed.

Something happened.

The people who made my life so great went away.  Jason, Anne, Christi, Ryan, and so on.  They weren’t around as much.

The cold winter came and I was without them.  The winter.

But in that winter, I found two roses who kept my heart warm.

All the other flowers had faded.

My grasp on those two roses has loosened, but they’re encouragement is still greatly appreciated.

All they have to do is smile.

But now in the spring of 1994, there is no special flower to which a great portion of my attention goes.  They say flowers grow in the spring.  We will have to see.

In a way, I wish a new flower would grow.  One which I’ve never seen or known before.  But…we all know those kind only grow in the summer.