May 17, 1994 – Tuesday – 5:25 p.m.

It’s Tuesday.  There are 13 days of school left.

Tenielle and Jenna didn’t surprise me, but she called me once she got home.  So did Cheryl.  Everyone wanted to know where we were.

I went with Marcus to his concert Saturday and I met Kenny there.  I sat with him and afterwards we went to Sanford to go to church.  Jenna and Tenielle weren’t there that night.  After church Kenny and Marcus and I, along with Cheryl and Scott went to Golden Corral to eat.

Kenny and Scott had never met.  So, Kenny wanted to us to tell Scott that Kenny was a foreign exchange student from Sweden.  And for two hours, we had Scott going.  He believed everything Kenny said, and I mean everything and it was all made up on the spur of the moment.  We finally told Scott while we were taking Cheryl home and he felt so stupid.  It was like Mrs. Doubtfire.  I just hope Scott didn’t take it too personally.  He said he would never forget it, but that he would get us back.

I finished writing Tenielle’s letter yesterday.  It is about 16 pages long.

I can’t believe school is coming to an end.  Everyone is opening up more to each other.  Including me.

It feels like this year just started.

Speaking of a year, it has been exactly one year since I first read Winter Dreams by F. Scott Fitzgerald.

Those things you want so deeply, but deep down you know you’ll never get them.

Ryan was my Winter Dream back then.

I have two now.  But I have them the way I want them:  as close friends.  But the Winter part is that I want them close forever.  I don’t want a day to go by without them.  But I know that will never truly be.

August 16, 1993 – Monday – 12:58 p.m.

I feel so bad.  I’m not really sure why.

I…  I don’t know, but I know that it must have something to do with Ryan.  I want so bad to get her out of my head, especially now, but I can’t.

Ugh.  Why not?  I’m lost.

I know she is my Winter Dream, but deep down, I somehow know that we will spend the rest of our lives together.  But that is impossible, right?  I know it won’t happen, but at the same time, I know it will.

I’m not making any sense, am I?  Why does this happen, why do I feel this way for her when I know that it will just hurt me in the long run?  Yet, knowing that doesn’t stop it.  It’s like I’m not in control.  I can’t remember ever feeling this way before.

It’s like my insides jumped on a roller coaster in my own stomach.  It actually feels pretty good.

But, I started this entry feeling bad?

If Ryan and I ever do become anything, which I hope not, because I know if we broke up, I wouldn’t get over it…I just need to try and forget about her.

But I don’t want to.

Will someone please tell me what is happening to me?  Please?  Maybe I should just stop writing in my journal.  Maybe that’s the problem.

Or maybe it’s happening?  What else could it be?  It has to be that.

I’m falling.  I hope it doesn’t break me.