November 23, 1998 – Monday – 1:20 p.m.

Yesterday at church, 32-year-old Debbie told me that the Lord gave her a dream, and she knew who I was going to marry.  She didn’t tell me directly who it was, she just said, “One thing for sure…you’re going to have tall children.”  This could only mean Kimberly.

Needless to say, I went a little crazy, for I had a similar dream myself.  I simply give it to you God.

I called Abigail last night and told her about Rebecca and Kimberly.  We talked for a while.  She is so precious.  She and Dan are perfectly in love.  Thank you for our friendship God.  We even talked a bit about her face, and how I loved to touch it back at Lees-McRae.  She said that simply knowing that was one of my most treasured memories in life really blessed her.

Forever friends.  I can’t wait until I visit Lees-McRae again.

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June 13, 1998 – Saturday – 11:07 a.m.

Things aren’t good.  I don’t feel happy.  I came to visit this place and it’s people.  They tell me they love me, but in reality my time here is over.  I am a “has been.”  This place is different now, for it seems Allen and Vince drink way too often, and even once Sarah returned to this land I felt a distance from her that I felt during the semester.

We talked a little last night, and I don’t think I’ll see her much this weekend.  This land is still new to her, she wants to visit with her friends who have stayed up here for Summer Theater, and I don’t want to compete for her time or attention.

I’m pretty miserable, for I no longer have my own room or place to go.  Lindy wants to stay up here longer and doesn’t want to take me back home now.  I’m not sure if Sarah or Jessi do either.  I feel like a burden, like extra baggage.

I’m staying over at Charlie’s.  The guys know I’m here, but they already made plans for the weekend and aren’t changing them.

I simply shouldn’t have come.

May 10, 1998 was a wonderful ending.  Now I fear this weekend will be all I see when I remember this place.  If this is how it will be from here on out, I don’t want to visit this place again.

I’d rather it live in on my memory…in my dreams.

January 1, 1998 – Thursday – 2:30 p.m.

Man cannot walk on water.  That is impossible; at least in man’s eye.  But Jesus did it, and not only Jesus, but Peter too.

If Peter had enough faith to walk on water, then why can’t I fly?

The people of this world, of these cities, these town, they are only content with walking, with standing, with sitting.

But I know I have wings inside me.  I can feel them every day.  Do I only have to believe? But I do believe!  I believe I can fly higher, higher in love, higher in worship, higher in health.

Yet the people who like to sit around want to shoot me down, but I can’t and won’t let them ruin me.

I have to fly.

I have to use my wings or I will die!

April 21, 1996 – Sunday – 8:10 p.m.

A hard day, but I learned so much.  My lip hasn’t gotten much better.  I felt really light headed this morning.  During the service, Molly and her friend Autumn sang a beautiful song.  The pastor gave a great sermon.  In Sunday School we learned about the last days and this afternoon I read the play Shadowlands.  All of this came together in my mind to form one central truth about life:

Real life hasn’t yet begun.

As I slept last night in my most wonderful bed with my teddy in my arms, I dreamt.

I dreamt of a girl.  She is 16, she has long black hair, she attends my church and goes by the name of Laura.  In this dream, just her and I were free, in a very nice car, driving out west.

We were in Arizona.  All we did was drive and talk.  We were a couple; the most perfect couple that ever existed.  By the end of the dream I dropped her off at a campsite.  A sign was posted at the entrance saying, “Laura Loves Someone.”

She walked up the trail and looked back and smiled.

I knew that someone was me.  My lip was even healed.  Life was perfect.  But my dream ended.  Sunday morning had arrived.  I was in North Carolina.

It took me a while to clean my lip of all the dry, crusted, saliva.  I finally made it to church, feeling very weak.  I discovered another odd something growing in my mouth.  I didn’t know what it was and I still don’t.

I grew very stressed.  I went to the bathroom and prayed.  During the service I was unable to sing.  Everyone kept asking me how I was doing.  I simply said, “Not too good.”

Jim’s sermon was on the third chapter of Ecclesiastes.  There’s a time for everything.  Good times.  Bad times.  It all equals out to be even.  Therefore my problems with my lip will be evened out with something good later.  Just like the terrible week I had before Spring Break was awarded with Arizona.  It helped me to handle my health problems better.

I saw Laura, but she did not speak to me.  She even came to Lees-McRae today to play tennis; Molly and others came as well.  I didn’t see them much though.  I had to read Shadowlands and go to the PA year end work call.

Which reminds me of last night.  Don had a party with a live band and all.  Don is our Technical Director.  He’s really cool.  I worked for three hours then went to the RA banquet.  When that was over, I went to the library, then came back here.

Earlier today though, as I read Shadowlands, was so special.  That play has so much truth.  This world is only the shadowlands of what is to come.  Shadows exist because of light.

November 17, 1994 – Sunday – 10:55 a.m.

I’m in the passenger’s seat of Jeni’s car.  We’re headed back to Lees-McRae.  It’s raining.

I’ve enjoyed my stay here.  It was a good Thanksgiving.

Last night Jeni and I were talking; she was telling me how sometimes she gets impatient when thinking about us.  She said she knows she still has to wait four years until she can be my wife.  The comment made me feel a little uncomfortable so I asked her if she would ever let me propose to her.  She said, “Of course, Jacob, the final decision will be yours.”

Then as we talked some more I told her I was scared.  I was scared because although I would like to spend the rest of my life with her, I’m still not sure if it will happen since I am so young.  I just wanted to play it safe.

That made her doubt.  “I just realized who I am to you Jacob.  And who you are,” she said.

“Who are we?”

“You have hardly dated people before.  How am I supposed to know that the feelings you have for me are as strong as the feelings I have for you?!”

I immediately turned over (we were lying on my bed in the sewing room) and faced the wall.  My heart had been stabbed.

“Don’t cry Jacob.”

I began to cry.

“Jacob…”

“Just hold me.”

She held me.

“What does that mean, ‘I never dated anybody?'” I asked.  “I’ve been hurt many times in my life Jeni.  There are many other girls I’ve had affections for.”

“I know Jacob.”

“Jeni, when I said what I said about playing it safe I didn’t mean it to be bad.  We’re young.  Just let it be love.  Let’s be free.  All I want is to go through each day and love you.  That’s all I ask.  That’s all I want.  And if this continues and years pass then I would very much like to be your husband.  But we have a long time until then.  I was praying earlier today.  And I asked God if you were the one he had set apart for me.  I told Him I was going to take a step of faith and the next phrase that entered into my mind I would believe were His words.  But before I could even finish the phrase He told me that I already knew.  And the answer was ‘yes.’  And I instantly doubted it, but not because I don’t want to be with you, but because while I know it in my heart, my mind doubts because I have been hurt so many times.  I am expecting you to hurt me, but you never do.  And sometimes it’s hard to accept the fact that the one thing I want the most, wants me in return.”

“Thank you Jacob.  You are so much wiser than me.”

See, Jeni dreams a lot and she knows it.  I am a dreamer too, but I don’t tell everyone about it.

She was getting ready to leave and go to bed, but I asked her to stay and hold me a little longer.

She did and I prayed for us.  I started to cry.  God is so good to me.  Jeni held me and tears rolled from my eyes.

I love her.

We are in Kentucky now.  It’s raining very hard.  Jeni’s dance concert is tomorrow night and Tuesday.

My life continues.  It never stops.  Jeni and I grow closer every day.  Each day is full of simple love.

And we still dream.

My heart has a burden for the world.  I want to show the love of Jesus through story and film.  Jeni wants to serve.

We dream, but these are not Winter Dreams.

They are hardly summer dreams.

They are our lives.

A reality.

July 27, 1994 – Wednesday – 1:00 a.m.

It has been Wednesday for an hour.

On Monday Jonathan and I went to Pembroke State University, and by the grace of God he was admitted and will be able to start school there this fall.  This was his last chance and he made it.

We went to his mom’s in Wilmington.  That night we played miniature golf.  And I tell you what…there are millions of beautiful girls in this world.  I know the Lord God has set apart one of them just for me.

We also went to the beach at about 11:00 p.m.  I hadn’t been to the beach in four years.  It was so amazing.  There is so much to see in this world.  So many people to meet.  

The moonlight shining over the ocean.

Sand between my toes.

The Moon was happy.

Open up Jacob.  Enter in.  Find your joy here while you can, so you can take it with you to Lees-McRae.  Your dreams will be tomorrow.

May 1, 1994 – Sunday – 10:30 p.m.

Church tonight was great!  I learned a lot.

Earlier in this section, I wrote saying that I wish I was not part of humanity.  Then I did not realize the horror of what I was saying.

What is humanity?

Humanity is God’s creation.  I wished not to be a part of that.  I was in the wrong to think that way.  But today, I realized that God created me so that he could share me with the rest of humanity.  The rest of his creation.

What a gift!

I haven’t known Jenna and Tenielle for long, only about five months.  But the Lord has given me a chance to share this wonderful gift of life with them for this brief period of time.

How could I ask for more?

This is the best present I’ve ever had.  The chance to share smiles with Jenna and Tenielle.  Is there anything more beautiful on this planet?

Yesterday, Jenna kept on giving me wedgies, so I kept trying to give her one, but she would always run off.  She said my boxer’s looked like 101 Dalmatians.  

It’s hard, but I have to control my feelings for her.  On the way to Carowinds, we sat so close to each other and talked the whole way.  Our bodies, these shells, pressed together.  Everytime she would laugh, she would lean her head on mine.

But no matter how I feel, I will keep quiet, be her friend, and simply cherish every moment that we spend together.

Truthfully, I don’t have to tell her; we’re both special to each other.

We have a friendship between opposite sexes and yet we sometimes act like we are a couple.  I have a keyhole picture on my key ring with my arm around her that was made at Carowinds.

But that doesn’t matter.  Perhaps I did change the alphabet.  I did move the close to U, only there is one thing between them: T.

Which stands for Time.

We both know that our time here is short.

I will go.

Some of my dreams will grow, others will be shattered.  I will possibly sit close to someone else while Jenna does the same.

We’ve come so far.

Three and a half months left.

Then we will go our separate ways.

As for now, it is time to sleep.  Thank you Jesus for a peaceful sleep.  You always keep me rested.  I love you Lord.  Thank you for everything.

March 8, 1994 – Tuesday – 5:30 p.m.

It has been three months since I first talked to Tenielle and I thought my life was repeating.  But what I thought was wonderful trouble, just turned out to be a wonderful friendship.

Things are going great now.  I believe we’re all going to go see Carman in concert this weekend.  It’s been a good three months.  We’ve done so much.  All of the VIPs, all the Saturdays when we jumped on the trampoline, the nightie went bowling, the Christian Skate nights, U & I, all of the letters, and so much more.

Five months left.  Things could change.  But I don’t know.

Today was really warm.

Spring is here.

I made it through the cold winter.  Some areas were rough, but overall, it wasn’t bad.  I lost something though.  But then I gained some more.  I might see some leaves from that tree blow by me, but I don’t believe I’ll ever climb it again.  I know I’ll see Christi again, but I don’t think I’m what Christi is looking for.  I might be what she needs, but that is a little different.  Jenna and I are normal.  It is hard to open up to her, but that will come in time.  I’m getting to know they’re mom really well.  She’s cool.

Today, my Pre-Calculus teacher said that he heard I was headed for Hollywood.  He was referring to my video for English.  He heard about it somehow.  Other people told me the same thing.  Hopefully this is the first of many films.  This one is only eight minutes long, but it caught everyone’s attention.

Yes, some dreams will come true and I’m sure some will fall through.  And yes, the time to say goodbye to a few of those dreams will come in five months so that I can pursue the others.

February 3, 1994 – Thursday – 12:10 a.m.

It’s real early in the morning, or late at night, whatever.

Kenny came by today.  Marcus and Kenny and I went to church together.

Jenna and Tenielle were there.  I gave her the letter.  She has probably read it by now.  I wonder if she figured out the alphabet riddle.

After church, Kenny, Marcus, and I went to eat at Bojangles.  Kenny did his normal crazy stuff, pretending to be a Swede.

Yesterday in English, myself and a partner had to write a story with a moral in it.  Well, I wrote the whole thing and he just put a few words in there.  Maybe I’ll write it in my journal later.  But after Grant (my partner) read it out in class today, I got a lot of reactions.  Some “ohs” and “ahs”.  Some people asked for a copy.  And it’s going to be published in the Valentine’s issue of the school newspaper.

I haven’t written in Challenger’s Deep recently, but this gave me confidence again.  Maybe I can write.  Thank you Jesus for my talent.

The story is called The White Rose and it has melted every person’s heart who read it.

Mrs. Gray, my librarian was reading it and she said, “Jacob, you have just got to become a writer, it is just your thing!”

It is happening.

Life is not killing the dream I dream.

October 23, 1993 – Saturday – 10:20 p.m.

We didn’t have skit group today.  We didn’t have singing practice either.  I stayed home all day.  A lot happened.  Too much to explain.  I’m happy right now.  Really happy.  So happy it’s scary.

Today I got up around nine o’clock.  I took a shower, moused my hair, and then watched some TV.  Jonathan called.  Everyone left to go wherever they went.

I was alone.

A whole Saturday.  A whole house.  All to myself.

What did I do?

Actually, I don’t really know.  I wrote a little while listening to The Phantom of the Opera.  I watched some more TV and then I prayed in the spirit for a while.  I played the Power of One soundtrack super loud and danced to the music in the kitchen.  I practiced my monologues for my college audition and tonight I watched four hours of TV in a row.  I haven’t done that in a long time.  I watched Star Trek: The Next Generation, Baywatch, and the movie Mermaids.  Mermaids was really good.

But you know what?  Things are going to be okay.  I got a letter from Emily yesterday and in it she wrote a poem for me:

Today I saw an eagle flying

Crying out to you and me

Wondering who is free

Asking who might be…

An eagle

Making his dreams come true

Fly, eagle, fly!

Though this world may have no hope

His dreams can keep him free

Like an eagle

Making his dreams come true

Be an eagle, Jacob

Be an eagle.

Everything is going to be fine.  My dreams will come true.  I will write.  I will make movies.  And I will find that right girl out there in the world.  Whether she lives in Florida, North Carolina, or somewhere else; I will find her.

I dare you to keep reading.  By the loving grace and blessings of God, my dreams will come true.