February 25, 1999 – Thursday – 8:27 a.m.

I know I haven’t written in a while.  I guess I’ve been sad.  Last week I saw Amy at a missions informational meeting.  We had an okay time, but we both seemed tired.  I called her a day or two later to ask her out again, but she seemed to be blowing me off, always saying she was busy.  I called again on another night, but I eventually got the message that she didn’t want to pursue us.  I told Sterling and Christin about her and they said I shouldn’t have taken her to the ocean front when I asked her out for hot chocolate.  They said taking girls to the strip means you only want to sleep with them.

What?  How was I supposed to know that?  I’m from the mountains!  I took her there because I think the waves sound nice as you are walking along the boardwalk.

Oh well.

I was an actor in a short film called TR.  It was so much fun!  It lasted two days and I had a lot of scenes with two little kids named Jessica and Frank, ages 9 and 11.  We had a great time.  Mark a fellow student who also acted along side me.  I picked him up everyday and we had nice talks as we drove back and forth to the location.  He’s from Minnesota, married, and in his 30s.

On Sunday I went on a location scout for my short film Forever.  We may be having trouble locking it down.

I had a midterm exam yesterday that went okay.  Last night I led the discipleship class and we sort of evaluated where everyone was.  I was disappointed with how some participated.  Hardly any of the kids have been working through the books.  They seem to be stuck in a rut, but I’ve been there many times.

I prayed Matthew 18:3 over all of us, “unless we become like little children, we will never enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”  Little children love to learn and they love to let their fathers take care of them.

Change me oh God!

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February 16, 1999 – Tuesday – 11:34 p.m.

Let me continue…

During our dance I learned she was not a student at Regent.  She’s actually a teacher at Greenbrier Christian Academy, where she teaches Josh, Charlotte, and Lauren from our youth group.  We met later at the drink table and just talked and talked.  We slow danced twice together before the evening was over.  We discussed God, church, missions, ourselves, and Swaziland, for she used to live during a couple of years in the ’80s.

During our conversation and in the middle of our second dance, I felt God took the veil from my eyes and there She stood before me, she with a capital “S.”

I called her last night.  I asked her to meet me for some hot chocolate at Barnes and Noble.  She giggled when she said yes.

All old things have passed away.  God has thrown a tidal wave over the footprints of the past.  The old me is dead, only Jesus lives in this body.

 

February 11, 1997 – Tuesday – 10:00 a.m.

After my wonderful rehearsal last night I went to Cannon Cottage to visit Jeni, Tracey, and Ann-Marie.  I was in a good mood and had a huge smile on my face.  They thought this smile meant I knew something about a guy one of them liked and they tried the whole night to wriggle it out of me.  But I knew nothing about a guy that might like one of them. And rather than them seeing joy on my face, they took that smile and made it about themselves.  They didn’t see me.  They only wondered how I might serve them.

Then they began to talk about me and why I am alone romantically.  Tracey said it was because I am not mysterious enough.  I give everything out in the beginning and that I’m so friendly and understanding and such a great listener, that the girl has nothing else to explore, or strive for, or fix in me.

I knew this already, but the words from someone else, stating that my honesty and strong character were also a weakness, caused me to grow very silent.  I was happy, yet hurting.

Sure, I am honest.  These girls think they know me, and they do, but only to the extent that I allow them.  They know who I am to them because I manage how they perceive me, but they don’t really know me.  And I doubt they’ve ever really tried.

My honesty frightens them.  My love frightens them.  They are simply too insecure in themselves to see how honesty and selfless love can serve them in a relationship.  They would rather play mindless games, gossip about who likes who, strive for mysterious first kisses from total strangers, and get a chill down their spine than learn more truth about my spirit or what I think about when I’m alone.  They never asked me why I was smiling; they only wondered what I might know about them that they didn’t already know.

These girls think they know what they want, but they can’t even see what they really need.

They think they know me, but they have no idea how hard it is to be me.  To have a heart like mine, to have the responsibility of being the one guy who’s trying to do things the right way and to pursue honesty and truth.

But since we are being honest, let’s get really honest.  Tracey’s statement that my honesty is unattractive and scary has more to do with the fact that her boyfriend slept around on her than it has to do with me.  She’s really making excuses for herself in an effort to some how live with her pain.  Girls always take it out on me when total jerks treat them like crap; like it’s my fault that my personality and character traits are in me and not in the guy they picked.

Oh God, I feel more alone now than ever.

September 12, 1995 – Tuesday – 10:55 a.m.

Syndi came over Saturday and got all of her books, clothes, and other stuff that somehow got left here.  And then she went back to her room.  I asked her to go to church with me on Sunday, but she said no.  Sunday came and I hardly saw her.  Monday came, my Kleenex were in her car, so I got her keys and got them out.  I’ve had a little cold, but I’m okay.  After I picked them up, I spent maybe 20 minutes in her room.  She said that someone asked her if we were dating.

“People ask me that all the time.” I said.

“It really annoys me.  I believe I’m going to put up a sign.”

I played along with her words.  Then she said, “Would you be hurt if I asked you not to come home with me for fall break?”

I said, “No, not at all…I was actually expecting you to ask me that.”

She came up with the excuse that she didn’t want me to feel uncomfortable around her friends who drink, but I know the real reason is because she didn’t want to feel uncomfortable around me as she drank.

She finally decided that she didn’t want “my world” and “my Christian lifestyle.”

Things are okay.  We still talk, but I doubt that we ever hold hands above a waterfall again.

And look at the today’s date.

September 12, 1995.

September 12, 1992.

I know I have often said that I will not look back, but I don’t believe I’ll ever be able to do that.

It’s been three years.

But those days still touch me.

Even now, it seems I strive to find the happiness and perfection those days held for me.

The weather outside is getting cooler.  It’s funny because it felt like the weather in Cincinnati long ago.

Last night was free Nacho night at The Big Chill.  I went with some new freshman in my dorm, Dan, Jeff, and Vince.

Antigone rehearsals are going okay.  The show opens in exactly two weeks.

I’m writing Erica through email and I wrote Barbie a letter that I plan to send her.

I am a sophomore at Lees-McRae College and today is the only September 12, 1995 that I will ever know.

Let’s do life the right way on my first try.

August 31, 1995 – Thursday – 10:10 p.m.

Our plans have changed.  I called my mom tonight to let her know that it was only going to be Syndi and I staying at the house this weekend.  Well, that didn’t go over too well with them.  And they wouldn’t let us, so guess where Syndi and I are spending our weekend..

That’s right!  Deep Creek!!

This is amazing!  I will be able to make it this year.  I will keep my tradition and I will stand over the river next to Pizza Hut and stare out at that never-changing scene.  Syndi will be at my side.  We will hike, we will tube, go to Cherokee and drive go-karts. We will have the time of our lives.

I mentioned something tonight over the phone about how my mom will see us as good friends and like Syndi just for that.  She said that my mom will probably think we are dating since the rest of the campus does.  And what surprised me most is that it doesn’t bother her.  She likes being associated with me.

There are three waterfalls at Deep Creek.  Syndi and I will see them all.  Together we have only see three.  So after this weekend is over, our total will be six.

Four special days…

In the beginning of September…

In a place where I met a girl..

Whom I spent four special days with…

In the of August.

It’s been a month and Emily hasn’t written.

She is an angel to another.

Perhaps I can be a prince to another.

August 31, 1995 – Thursday – 11:45 a.m.

It is the last day of August.

I am supposed to meet Syndi in 15 minutes for lunch.  Last night she and I had a craving for cookies, so at 10:30 p.m. we drove to Newland, but the grocery store was closed so we went all the way to Boone and got back around midnight.  It was just the two of us, roaming the High Country with no purpose at all.  James thinks we are together and that is why he’s had some problems.  He’s never had a girlfriend and he is almost 20-years-old.  He’s seems really depressed.

Syndi said something like, “Let’s do such and such together since we are supposed to be dating…at least according to James.

She asked me earlier if I would meet her for lunch and dinner.

Oh well, I’m in college!  Let’s just have a little fun with this situation.  I have no idea where this is going, but I’m sure the two of us will have the greatest time this weekend.

June 2, 1994 – Thursday – 11:20 p.m.

Today was my first real day of summer.

Only 87 more of them.

Here’s what I did:

After I woke up real early I took Kevin to the McDonald’s in Sanford where he is working now.  I came back and took mom to work and drove home.  At home I laid out in the sun and lifted weights, but obviously I didn’t do both at the same time.

At 1:00 p.m. I went to graduation practice and saw everyone for one last time.  After it was over I went straight to Jenna and Tenielle’s so their mom could cut my hair.  Since Shar wanted everyone to go skating tonight, Jenna and Tenielle came back with me to pick up Nate at the babysitter’s and then to pick Mom up in Pittsboro.  She drove us back and dropped us off at Mike’s.  We then rode with him to the Skating Ranch.

It was Country Music Night, but I had a good time, nonetheless.  

Jenna and I talked a lot.  Kevin and Wayne showed up later and he and Tenielle talked the whole night.

But as for Jenna and I, we laughed the whole night.  Then one of Jenna’s friends, a little boy from school, came up to me and asked me if I wanted to go out with her.

“I’m her friend.” I said.

“Yeah, but would you go out with her?” he asked.

“Why do we always have to be going out with someone?  Don’t you understand that we are friends?”

“But would you?”

“No, I wouldn’t.”

“Why?”

“Because she wouldn’t be the same person if we were supposed to be in a romantic relationship.  Neither would I.  It’s better this way.”

This little kid looked at me so strangely and then said, “You know her that well?”

I said, “Yes.  Yes I do.”

He shrugged and walked away.

Although Jenna and I are only friends, she is a special friend that I often think about romantically, but that doesn’t mean I have to act on those thoughts.  Remember when I wrote in my journal that I wonder if I’ll ever think about another girl up at Lees-McRae as much as I thought about Ryan?

If only I knew that it would happen before I even got up there.