July 5, 1999 – Monday – 10:40 a.m.

This has been the greatest of all mornings.

I sit now in the Dallas/Ft. Worth Airport in Texas.  I was here nearly a year ago.  I sure didn’t know then that I’d be back.  The rest of the team is in the air right now, on their way to L.A.  I, because I’m an adult, was forced to take a later flight since the other one was over booked.

So, I’m alone now, and that is a good thing.  I need this time to write.

We had an outreach in Chesapeake on Saturday and afterwards the team went to see Tarzan at the movies.  I sat next to Mary.  Our elbows rested on the same arm rest and touched.  And around the middle of the movie, we discovered that we could touch each other’s fingers through the cup holder without any of the team seeing.

It was awesome.

After the show everyone went to my apartment and some of the girls and Corey cooked for everyone.  Mary and I got a chance to talk again.  We wanted to make sure that we weren’t just using each other for a little summer fling.  We hold each other in the highest respect.  The night ended in a crazy conversation about our most embarrassing moments.  Everyone was laughing so hard. A dozen or more teens were in my apartment having the time of their life and not even realizing it.  It was priceless.

July 4th was the next morning and we ministered at a small church in Toano, which is the same town my grandparents live in.  I went to visit both sets.  I even saw my dad, who didn’t look well at all.  He’s gotten insanely fat.  He also told me that Kevin got in another accident last night.

I hurriedly returned to my Master’s Commission gang, fully aware that I’d rather spend time with them than my own father.  We decided to take the super long and scenic route back to Chesapeake, which involved a ferry ride.  That evening, Meagan and Mary and I went to Meagan’s beautiful country home out in Pungo.  The three of us drove to Sandbridge and spend the final hours of the last 4th of July of the 1900s playing in the deep dark waves of the Altantic Ocean.  An airplane made amazing glow-in-the-dark smoke trails in the star-filled sky above.  The night was perfect, but soon midnight came and the day that I am now breathing in began.

We left Sandbridge around one in the morning.  Meagan drove, Mary sat in front of me, and she would reach back and we would hold and touch each other’s hands.  We got to the house and showered all the salt and sand off of us.  Meagan went to bed and then, for about two hours, I held and touched the most amazing girl alive.

Mary and I spent the early hours of this morning realizing this would be the only chance we had to touch each other.  So, we cautiously spoke into each other’s hearts while guarding them at the same time.  We did not sleep.  It was the most precious few hours of my history.  How beautiful was its purity!  Her soft skin.  Her eyebrows.  Her neck.  Her back.  Her ears.  Her hair.  Oh, and she wanted to shave my face, so I let her.  And then I shaved her legs.  How weird and crazy we are!

I want her so bad, but I’ll only be around her for another week, and in the busy town of L.A. at that.  Our conversation this morning was so precious.  We were no longer two team leaders, but we were man and woman, stopping the world for a few brief hours, so we could acknowledge the value in each other.  Thank you for this morning God.  Use it for your glory!

Now she flies over New Mexico, while I sit in Texas.  Why do goodbyes take place?  Why do I have to part from this girl?  If coming to Virginia Beach did anything for me, it introduced me to Mary, and that makes everything worth it!

Above that though, God has used her to do a healing in me.  My faith in Christian women has grown strong again.  She and I are no accident.  We are no mishap.  This is divine.  I’m not saying she is the one, I’m just saying she has been divinely appointed to me for this brief time, as I have been to her.

Sweet Jesus, you never let me go.  You are my desire.  You bring such good things into my life.  Thank you!



January 31, 1999 – Sunday – 11:38 p.m.

What an amazing weekend!  Friday, after youth group, Kimberly, Sterling, Christin, new friend Tessa, and a few others went to eat at IHOP.  These girls are the joy of my life these days.  I took Kimberly home afterwards.

Saturday, after going to Northwest River Park to measure a pier I found there for a short film I hope to make, I went to Kim’s birthday party, and everyone just had a fantastic time.  There was so much laughter!

Afterwards, some of us went to the movies and saw She’s All That.  It was definitely a movie for 16-year-old girls, but that’s who I surrounded by, so it was fun.  I took Kimberly home then as well.  I sat next to her in church this morning and felt like a helpless high schooler again.  She’s unbelievable, and I wanted so badly to reach over and hold her hand, but I didn’t.  Sometimes it feels like I like every girl I ever meet.

I went over to Sterling’s this afternoon and we played in her room all afternoon.  At the Super Bowl party tonight at church, the teenagers started talking about potential guy/girl relationships, so I walked away and stayed out of it.  Later Rebekah came and talked to me and asked me if I knew how women wanted to be treated.  I shared my answer and her mouth hung open in disbelief.  She said I was spot on.  My feelings then were bittersweet.  Many women tell me I have them all figured out, yet I don’t have anyone to give share my life with.

David and I talked a bit after everyone left.  He is interested in a 20-year old girl at church.  He’s 26.  It should happen.

February is around the corner, so it feels like talk of love and relationships is in the air.

But no matter how much I dream of Kimberly or Christin, these girls are simply too young for me at this stage of life.  They are Winter Dreams.  I will have moved on from here by the time they are of the right age for a serious relationship to truly go anywhere.

But that doesn’t mean I won’t lose sleep thinking about them now.

August 24, 1998 – Monday – 1:07 p.m.

In about three hours I’m going to go see the girl I met on Friday at Greenbrier Mall.  Her name is Rachel.  God please guide our conversation.

Church was so good yesterday.  Parkway Temple is perfect for me.  Last night the youth pastor Jose, his wife Tammy, David, and a 20-year-old named Aaron all came over here and we had a meeting, and they basically just handed their entire Drama Ministry over to me.  They said I have complete artistic freedom.  I’m so excited!

Yesterday afternoon, David and I went to the beach.  The water was so strong because of Hurricane Bonnie.  And I have to admit, like a kid in grade school, I wrote Rachel’s name in the sand.


November 2, 1997 – Sunday – 1:40 p.m.

I’m sure this will continue for six more months.  I’m so scared.  I’m so scared to be affectionate.  I’m not sure how she’ll take it.  I had her listen to a song, Jars of Clay’s Hymn, and she broke down in tears.  I didn’t reach up to touch her, to comfort her, even though I so desperately wanted to.  I have to restrain myself around her, keep myself together.

I fear history is repeating itself.

Oh God, you have to do whatever it is you need me to do.  I’m not sure of anything but you God.  I don’t have much time here.  I don’t know what she needs me to be for her.  Or even what she wants me to be.

All I know is that you loved her very much.

And I can see why.

January 11, 1997 – Saturday – 8:45 p.m.

What a day this has been!

I woke up in a wonderful mood.  I did some homework, wrote in my journal, read my Bible, and prayed.  I went to lunch and everyone was there.

Around two o’clock, myself plus Timothy, Tracey, Jeni, and Abigail played in the snow around Cannon Cottage.  I took a couple of pictures.  After that we went to buy some condensed milk so we could make snow cream and then we watched Anne of Green Gables.  That movie is absolutely wonderful!  Anne is so beautifully amazing.  Abigail picked on me and said, “Is she the girl of your dreams, Jacob?”  I wanted to say, “No, you are,” but I kept my thoughts to myself.

We watched the movie in Jeni and Tracey’s room, and when dinner time came, everyone else went to eat, but Jeni and I stayed to finish the movie.  We had a special conversation.  Our friendship is so wonderful, possibly better than our relationship two years ago.

Near the end of the movie, before everyone left for dinner, Gilbert reached up and touched Anne’s face.

“Take notes Jacob,” said Tracey.

“Always touch the face!  Always touch the face!” Abigail shouted.

“Trust me, Jacob doesn’t have to worry about that.” Jeni said.

“What?” I asked.

“She’s saying you were a good boyfriend.” Tracey said.

That was so nice to hear and I was glad Abigail was there to hear Jeni say that.

I then left and played in the snow with Josh, Dan and Vince.

What a wonderful day!  A girly movie and snow cream with my girls, and a snow ball fight with my boys!

January 11, 1997 – Saturday – 9:30 a.m.

I can’t get her off my mind.  I talked to her briefly at lunch on Thursday.  She looked at me in such a way…oh, it drove me crazy.  We had another Bible study on Friday at 3 o’clock.  It was me, Abigail, Ann-Marie, Jessica, and Shawna.  We had it up in Abigail and Jessica’s room.  Abigail remembered back home that her church back home is having a penny drive for missionaries in the Philippines.  She asked me to help her raise some.  I went around collecting and in just two days we had $20 collected.  Bible study was really cool!  It’s so great to see Abigail’s face light up because of what we are learning.  We prayed at the end and she prayed in the spirit under her breath.  I was right next to her, holding her hand.  Her prayer was so beautiful.

That night, last night, we got together in Ann-Marie’s room and watched some movies.  Shawn and Jessica were in there for a while, but they left and it was just myself, Abigail, Ann-Marie, and Lindy.  It was fun.  Abigail and I had a little pillow fight.  She was sitting in front of me while we watched Shag, a movie I didn’t like at all, and I found myself not watching the movie, but just studying her.  They way her cheek curved around her face, the three strands of hair that stuck out from her bun, and how when she leaned forward I could count 10 wrinkles in her shirt, but there were only seven when she leaned back.

What’s happening God?  I haven’t thought about a girl like this in years.

January 8, 1997 – Wednesday – 11:45 p.m.

After my journal entry I went to Journalism class then to lunch.  I sat down with Jeni and Abigail.  Abigail didn’t say much.  She seemed a little bummed.  They left and I wasn’t finished eating, so I went to go sit with Dan and Kate.

I couldn’t get Abigail off my mind this afternoon.  I prayed for her; just for the Lord to bless her.  Then I tried to call her.  Jessica answered the phone, but Abigail wasn’t there.  I went to my Shakespeare’s Tragedies class and then came back to my room at 3:00 p.m.  Again, I began to pray.  Timothy came and visited me.  I had a class to go to at 4:00 p.m., but right before I left, Timothy called up Ann-Marie’s room.  Abigail was in there and he invited them to go to the Daily Grind with him.  I was bummed because I had class.  Well, Timothy waited for them and I went to my class, however the professor wasn’t there so we were just handed a syllabus and were dismissed.  I ran back to Timothy’s room, praise God they hadn’t left yet.

Abigail had a smile on her face when she saw me.  So the four of us drove to the little coffee house down the road; each of us got a hot chocolate.  We talked and talked and Abigail told me that when she went back home K.C. acted like nothing special had ever happened between them.  She told me that she pretty much cried over the entire break, but that she knows she just has to get over it.

Ann-Marie missed last night’s Bible study, so I asked the clerk if she had a Bible, she did, and we had a little Bible study again.  Abigail told me that I would get along well with her father, that we would talk endlessly about the Bible.

Her eyes and smile were so beautiful.  It blessed me to know she saw her father in me.

We left and went to the cafeteria for dinner.  The two of us sat at the same table.  She is just amazing.  We had team meetings tonight, and I sat with her and Ann-Marie.  Then tonight at 8:00 p.m., there was special performance of a play called Quilters, and there too Abigail sat next to me.  We talked a lot before the show started.  We talked about her family and her church.  The play began and during the whole play Abigail bit her fingernails.  Her teeth clicking against her nails filled the air and it was a beautiful sound.  I want to hear it always.

After the show we all went to Vince’s room to watch Ann-Marie’s Newsboys video.  I laughed a lot, it was cool.

I was near Abigail for the entire evening.

What a wonderful day!

December 8, 1996 -Sunday – 11:30 p.m.

The latter part of the day contained a few moments of joy.  A late breakfast was being served in the cafeteria.  Abigail sat by me.  She smiled and laughed at the things I said.  She sang at the table with Timothy.  She sounded so beautiful.  I wish I could sing beautifully so she would desire to sing with me.  Music is a huge part of my life, but I can only survive in a chorus.  I don’t sound too great on my own.

I want to live a long time on earth before heaven; if only to be around people like Abigail.

I made a snow angel in the snow as we walked back tonight.

But it seems as if I’m falling for someone else’s angel.

November 20, 1996 – Wednesday – 8:45 p.m.

I told Timothy that Jessica and I went for a walk.  Then at lunch yesterday while I was talking to Abigail, Timothy came over and said, “who ya talkin’ bout?  Jessica?”

I pretended like he didn’t say anything since Abigail is Jessica’s roommate.

But then he mentioned something in front of Ann-Marie today.  She asked me directly if I liked Jessica.  I stuttered, but then finally said, “I just think she’s adorable.”

Abigail appeared on the scene and she had a smile on her face, something I haven’t seen for a week.  She’s been going through a rough time since her parents are moving and she feels like she should be there with them during the transition.

It really hurts me when I see either Abigail, Jessica, or Shawna hurt.  I’ve grown attached to them.  They mean the world to me.  I’m sure somebody has said something to Jessica, but she continues to be loads of fun.  Maybe she likes me too.  But then again, maybe not.

Those girls, Josh, Timothy, Ann-Marie; they are the best things that have happened this semester.  Bless them Lord.  Bless them.

November 11, 1996 – Monday – 10:10 a.m.

The snow hasn’t stopped.

Saturday evening Curtis came into my room to borrow a movie to watch with his new girlfriend.  Her name is Ryan, and she’s going to App State, but it’s not my Ryan from back home.  At dinner that evening I was talking about how cute and funny Curtis sounded when he came to ask for a movie because he hates watching movies.

Jeni spoke up, “Jacob, you’re not being very sensitive.”

I turned to see Ann-Marie was almost in tears.  She is so overdramatic.  I apologized.  I didn’t know she had THAT big of a crush on Curtis.  I called her that evening and apologized again.  She was crying when she picked up the phone.  We talked for a while, but then she said that she didn’t feel comfortable talking to me about it and she said goodbye.

She’s a strange girl.

Yesterday, Abigail was sitting alone and all of her friends (Jeni, Tracey, Ann-Marie) were sitting at our table.  There wasn’t enough room, so I gave up my seat and just went back to my room so she could sit with her friends instead of sitting alone.

Abigail seems very strong in her Christian walk and I think Ann-Marie takes her for granted.  At least that’s the way I perceive it.

In 15 days Vince and I will fly up to New York.  That means I have 15 days to finish all of my work.  I want to get all of my work done so I can have a truly relaxing time in the big city.  Once we get back from Thanksgiving break we only have one week of classes before finals week.

I’ll be back in Siler City in about a month.  I will have not been home in over six months.

Can another winter already be here?