September 21, 1993 – Tuesday – 8:40 p.m.

Let’s continue.

So, I fell asleep.  It was a good sleep, but then… Boom!  I heard a horrible noise and looked up and saw nothing but grass and a 55mph Speed Limit sign.  I tried to get control of the car and swerve back on the road.  I slowly put on the brakes and Marcus was just screaming my name.

The back wheel caught something or maybe an angel pushed the car, I don’t know, but it turned toward the road and sped across the highway toward the medium.  My front end jammed into the ditch at about 50 miles an hour.  The whole car fish-tailed around, turning 180 degrees and we stopped, facing the road we had just flew off.

I moaned.  I couldn’t move.  My entire body was in pain.

Turns out Marcus had fallen asleep too and neither one of us was thinking straight.  We tried to put the car in reverse and push it out.  We didn’t know he had two flat tires.

We waved some cars down and they called the ambulance.  Marcus hit his eye and his head was aching badly.  We went to the hospital in Sanford.  They checked us over pretty well.  Nothing major, but Marcus got a black eye and his sinuses are all messed up.

The car, on the other hand, may be totaled.  We won’t know until tomorrow.  My parents just got finished paying it off.  Henry bought it as a brand new car four years ago.  It is the only non-used car he has ever purchased.  He drove it everywhere and even said it was like a second home to him.  Last week my parents switched the insurance around so I could drive Henry’s car; it made their payment a little cheaper.  A week after I start driving his car, I wreck it.  Marcus has been out of school for two days because of his injury.

Needless to say, Henry is upset.  He won’t say it with his mouth but his actions toward me portray it.  It’s like he views me as something that gives him gray hair and makes him spend more money.

Mom on the other hand says the usual, “I’m just glad you are alive.  We could be buying a casket instead of a new car.”

I said, “Well, at least I would be free.”

This world is messed up.  Everything is done the wrong way.  Some people even do love the wrong way.  They fall in love with how a girl is and not who the girl is.  I might wreck a car and I might mess up my parent’s pocketbook, but I’m not going to mess up love.  I’m not going have a wrecked marriage like both Mom and Henry’s first marriage.

You know, something could have gone terribly wrong and I might not be writing this entry tonight.  Instead my Book of Days could have ended with me praying for God to do a work in me and then, BOOM!, it is over.  My journey would be complete.  My dream would come true.  I’d be with my Jesus.

But it didn’t and I’m still here.

I’m still alive.

Alive to write.  Alive to dream.  Alive to think about Ryan.  Alive to experience more pain and more misery.  Alive to grow.  Alive to learn.  Alive to wonder.  Alive to love.

Thank you Lord for letting me live.  I want so bad to be with you, but I know there is still more for me to do on this earth before I am truly free.

I want to live Lord.

I want to do your will.

I love you Jesus.

September 19, 1993 – Sunday – 3:10 p.m.

About 14 hours ago, I was in an ambulance on my way to the hospital in Sanford.  I was sitting up in the front seat with intense back pain, but Marcus was the one in the back, laid out on the stretcher, wearing a neck brace.  I had just wrecked another car.

But I am safe, alive, and back in my room listening to the Dances With Wolves soundtrack.  Let’s start from the beginning.  Hopefully I can remember everything.  I’m fading fast.

Yesterday morning, a Saturday, I woke up feeling good because I spent some quality time with the Lord the night before.  Marcus and I got ready to go to singing practice.  Kevin was back home for the weekend.  Marcus and I were going to drive him back down to college last night after youth group.  He goes to school in Fayetteville, about an hour and a half from our house.

During singing practice Ryan was definitely in a weird mood.  She was just not serious in anything she said and it really made me laugh.

Mom came and dropped Kevin off at the church while she went to buy some carpet.

We met her at Wal-Mart once we were done with practice and I got some jeans and a tie.  Afterwards, mom went home and Kevin went to the Neal’s house.  They are a family from church with tons of kids, most of them younger, but we often hang out with them.

I rode around Sanford a while; wondering what I was going to do.  I went by Kiwanis Park and walked the trail.  I knew Scott and Marcus were planning on coming there so I waited around for them.  Some people were setting up for a concert and they wanted to talk to them.

They eventually showed up and we then went to the Denny’s, another family from church.  Marcus and Scott have started a Christian rap group called Brothers In The Word, or maybe that’s Brothers N Da Word, I’m not sure.  Anyway, they practice in the basement of the Denny’s house.

After that came skit group practice and I was directing today’s skit.  We didn’t get finished, but we got a lot accomplished.  It’s hard work.  I got real bossy and people saw a side of me that they have never seen before.

Youth group came after that and even Veronica and Sherry came.  We had a great meeting and when it was all over, we had to take Kevin back to school.  He drove, but once we got there we stayed a long time.

College life is very different from home life.  I honestly don’t know if I’m ready for it yet, but it is less than a year away.

Around midnight we left and I remember praying, “Thanks for getting us home safely, Lord,” as we buckled up and left the college.

We got home, but it was at 4:16 a.m. this morning.

After driving through Fayetteville and Sanford (about an hour) I got really tired.  We were on the four-lane of 421 headed home and it was less that a quarter of a mile before the four-lane merged into a two-lane.

It was there that I fell asleep.

In fact, I feel like sleeping now.

I’ll have to finish this later…