April 18, 1999 – Sunday – 7:09 a.m.

Two weeks and four days remain until I head back to Lees-McRae.  I look forward to walking alone on my own private mountain trails.  I need to think again with a clear mind.  The mountain air always does me good.

I called Allen yesterday morning.  Our conversation turned a bit serious when he told me that things went poorly with three of my dear friends as he attempted to do the boyfriend-girlfriend thing.  He said he feels terrible.  He crossed the line with each of them and they mean so much to me.  It hurt to hear it, but I can do nothing but love them and forgive them.  The conversation did make me very thankful to be there.  I’m surrounded by so much innocence and purity.  I would rather deal with loneliness than continually deal with the temptation I had to deal with during my days with Sarah.  God continues to heal me of all those past hurts and pains.  I want to me the real true me.

There really aren’t any girls here that seem to have my name on them.  My thoughts often dwell on Mary Jo, Kimberly, and even Kerstin, but I honestly don’t think they are for me.  I want to hold out for true love, and not just settle for a pretty girl I think I can live with.  Mary Jo has impressed me the most with her heart, but I’m afraid our future paths in life are completely different.

For my most immediate future, I want to live my life in airports.  I seem to find peace in them.  Perhaps because I already live each day watching others as I wait to fly away.

There was a funny moment that happened at IHOP the other night when I was there with the youth group.  I ordered pancakes and thought the thing in front of me on the table was syrup, but no…it was coffee.  And it came out fast.  I poured coffee all over my pancakes, myself, the table, those sitting next to me.  Marion laughed for the next ten minutes.  It was actually fantastic to be so the source of so much joy and laughter.

There are days when I like to be alone

To be still and silent

To listen

My stomach growls, my VCR rewinds

My memory does them both

A plane flies overhead

And I hear this pen move across this paper

 

Then there are days when I must listen to music

To hear the words of others as they dream

And to dream with them

I agree with Cindy Morgan, relate with Derek Webb

And adore Rebecca

But still there are times when my breath

Is the only music I need

 

And in this silent, I’ve come to ponder love

Is it terrible to love the wrong woman?

Is that such a waste of time?

If so, I wasted seven months

And can’t afford to spend this heart on the wrong one once again

The effort would be a tragedy

A ticking clock, never knowing the time

May 1, 1994 – Sunday – 4:00 p.m.

Not many people were at church this morning.  They were all sleeping.

I don’t really know where to begin.  On the way to Carowinds, I sat with Scott some and then with Jenna some.  Some people rode in cars, but I was on the bus.  The people I went around with were Jenna, Tenielle, Wayne, Kiesha (Jenna and Tenielle’s friend), Joseph, Joel, Jonathan, Sara, and Scott.  I believe that was all.  We did the craziest things.  We would point up in the air and all the people who would walk by would look up, and there would be nothing there.

So funny.

Everyone acted “Er.”  Er, by the way, is a word Brandon came up with that means totally whacked.  Jenna kept on giving me wedgies. We didn’t really meet many new people.  I talked to this small girls chorus a little, but that was all.

When we were standing in line under the swings, I asked little Joseph if he had ever read Under the Swings by Seymour Butts.  The boy immediately busted out laughing and kept saying, “See more butts!  See more butts!”  Everyone was looking at him.

We did the George things a few times, where we would just shout out George’s name and point.  George is sort of an imaginary friend of the whole youth group.  A bit of an inside joke.

Jenna kept on tapping strangers on the shoulder, they would turn around and the she would turn and walk the other way.

The only concerts I went to were Cindy Morgan and Petra.  I got Cindy Morgan’s autograph on a napkin.  She shook my hand too!

Petra was awesome!  You can’t get any better than them.  I was with Tim, Kevin, and Sherry at the concert.  Everyone else was sitting in the back.  Thankfully, we were near the front.

On the way home, I sat with Scott.  We were both in Er moods and laughed the whole way home.

Scott and I went down the water pipes in a tube together.  Since Scott is really big and I’m really skinny, we about flipped.  

Dang!  I had a good time.  It’s good to be alive!

When Cindy Morgan shook my hand, I told her my favorite song of hers was “I Will Be Free.”  She said, “Oh yes, if we would have had more time, I would have sung that.”

She is a beautiful woman.

April 30th, 1994!

One of the best days of my life.

One year after Veronica and I saw “Into the Woods.”

Two years since Shurby came and had his first revival service at our church.

What will the next April 30th bring?  Where will I be?  Whom will I be with?

Will I be at my home here in Mt. Vernon Springs, North Carolina?  I call it my home, but sometimes I feel as if my home is truly somewhere else.

Will I be at my church?  A building full of so many found memories.  My church often feels more like my home than my own house.

Well, time to do the dishes before I go back for the evening service.

April 28, 1994 – Thursday – 4:45 p.m.

The Carman concert was great.  I was too young to be an usher so Wayne and I got seats on the second row.  It was amazing!  Jonathan and Marcus came in later and sat with us.  Some people from the church were there too.  And shockingly, we ran into Christi and Amy, they were with two other friends.

They didn’t sit with us.

When Christi was at church, I could always hear her sing.  Tuesday night, Carman had all the girls sing one part of a song.  Christi’s voice was there, but it didn’t stand out.  She blent in with the thousands of other girls I didn’t know.

Wednesday night was cool.  I sat next to Jenna and put ink marks all over her leg.  She was wearing shorts.

She got me back.

They are going to Carowinds on Saturday.

I don’t know if Kevin is or not.

It’s going to be so much fun.

Petra and Cindy Morgan!  Can you believe it!

I’ve been lifting weights.  I’m tired.

Marcus says that Saturday he is going to find a whole other crowd to hang with.  I know what he means, but I have a whole new world coming in four months, so I will take the time I have with this crowd.  Christian Music Day at Carowinds is just one big youth fest.  So many churches, so many youth groups, so many beautiful girls who love the Lord.  

Perhaps I’ll meet one of them.

April 26, 1994 – Tuesday – 7:00 a.m.

It is in the morning.  I missed the bus, but mom will take me to school.

Jonathan is picking Marcus and I up after school and we are going to the Carman concert.  I don’t know if any of the other young people from church are going.  It will be fun.  The last time I went to a Carman concert was in September of 1992 with Jason, Anne, Christi, Ryan, Amy, Cheryl and Jonathan.

Jonathan flirted.  What else is new?

I liked Ryan then.  That was long ago.  Brandon was even there, but we went earlier because his mom was signing the concert (you know, sign language).  It was a lot of fun.

Two months ago I saw DC Talk in concert.  In four days I will see Petra and Cindy Morgan.

Thank you Lord.

Oh, Sunday night I told Jenna and Tenielle a joke.  And the three of us all laughed together.  Perhaps we will laugh together again.

I checked and Lees-McRae College is 170 miles from where I live.  Kevin’s college is 54 miles from here.  He comes home every weekend.  It’s kind of like he never even left.  I won’t have the same story.  I doubt I’ll hardly ever come home.

April 14, 1994 – Thursday – 7:40 p.m.

Four days have passed since my last entry.  

Church was awesome Wednesday night.  Allan taught.  Dang, he is good!

I sat next to Tenielle, she is back to her regular self again.  I don’t know what was wrong with her this past Sunday.

There are 36 days of school left.  Time has been flying.

I have to watch those kids tomorrow night after work.

I got the pictures developed today.  They’re pretty good.

Overall, things are going okay.  We have skit practice this weekend.

On April 26th, we’re suppose to go see Carman and on April 30th we’re suppose to go to Carowinds for Christian Music Day!!

Petra and Cindy Morgan will be there!

August 18, 1993 – Wednesday – 11:45 a.m.

Yesterday we went to the zoo.

It was myself, Scott C., Scott T., Ruby, Laura, Elizabeth, Nate, Cheryl, Anne, Ryan, and Amy.

I had a lot of fun.  Afterwards, we went to Fayetteville and saw Aladdin at a dollar theater.  We picked up Christi on the way there.  She’s back from New York.

The last time I saw that movie was with Veronica.  It brought back a lot of memories.  A lot of good memories.

Cheryl rode with me back to Sanford.  She said that she knew something I didn’t about Ryan, and it deals with me.  It doesn’t matter anymore.  I care, but it’s not important.

We went to McDonald’s after we got to Sanford.  They were talking about everything you could think of.  Both Christi and Ryan said they were ready to get married.  Then Christi said she just wanted to fall in love, but she knew she had some more growing up to do.

Then I said, “I just want to grow up and make movies for the rest of my life.”

Cheryl thought I said “babies.”

That is only part of my future dream.  Here is the full version:

I want to graduate high school and then go to a film school and learn everything there is to know about film and filmmaking.  Then I want to write books, novels, short stories, plays, scripts, you name it.  And I want to make movies.  Overall, I want to be a storyteller.

I want to tell stories is so many different ways for the rest of my life.

And some where in between all that, I want to find that special someone to share all the joy and all the happiness and all the love with.

And I know now that will be neither Ryan nor Christi.

And I want to have a little girl, and I want to see her grow up and have so many boys go crazy over her, and I want, one day, to give her away in marriage.

I also want to have a boy and want to watch him grow up and fall in love as well.

But above all of that, above everything else, there is one day I am looking forward to.  And that is the day I die, because:

The mountains are steep
And the valleys low
Already I’m weary
But I have so far to go
Oh, and sorrow holds my hand
And suffering sings me songs
But when I close my eyes
I know to whom I belong
Who makes me strong

I will be free
I will be free to run the mountains
I will be free
Free to drink from the living fountain
Oh, I’ll never turn back
‘Cause He waits for me
Oh, I will be free

A wise man, a rich man
In pauper’s clothes
A shepherd to lead us
Through the land of woes
Though many battles I have lost
So many rivers yet to cross
But when my eyes behold the Son
Who bore my loss, who paid the cost

I will be free
I will be free to run the mountains
I will be free
Free to drink from the living fountain
Oh, I’ll never turn back
‘Cause He waits for me
Oh, I will be free

Oh, and I’ll dance on silver moonlight
And I’ll walk through velvet fields
Oh, and I’ll run into the arms
The arms that set me free

I will be free
I will be free to run the mountains
I will be free
Free to drink from the living fountain
Oh, I’ll never turn back
‘Cause He waits….
I’ll never turn back
Don’t you ever turn back
Because someday, someday we’re gonna see
We will be free

-Cindy Morgan