July 18, 1998 – Saturday – 10:45 a.m.

I’ve just been going and going with hardly any time to write.  I’m on the bus now, on my way to a township.

Thursday was more drama training and judging; we passed the judging.  Yesterday, we went to the poor, or rich to some, township around Johannesburg.  We performed the drama four times.  I led about seven adults and 100 kids to the Lord.  And that was just me.

On two ministry sites, I took all the boys over to one side to talk to them.  They began chanting and shouting my name as we walked.  I told them about Jesus.  They were so excited with the largest smiles.  “Tell me about Jesus!” they shouted!

They all accepted the Lord as their savior.  I gave them little booklets to read and one kid started reading it out loud to everyone else.  They were all quiet and listened intently.  That happened twice at two different places.

Afterwards, an older guy came up to me and said, “I’m glad you are here.  My life is only about drinking and drugs, and it is getting me no where.  I don’t want to do that anymore.”

He is a Christian now.  His name is Sylvester.

I cried and cried on the bus ride home.  All those little boys hugged me and kissed my cheeks.  I found myself wanting to move here, just so I can teach them the ways of the Lord?  Who is going to be there for them in the future?

Oh God!

You are great, you do miracles so great, there is no one like you Lord.

October 5, 1996 – Saturday – 10:15 a.m.

Abigail and I had our small group Bible study at 4:00 p.m. yesterday.  Jessica and Shawna were not able to make it, so we invited Ann-Marie.  The three of us spirit-filled believers walked to the park nearby.  We talked and studied the Bible for about an hour and a half.  We even talked about Christians and dating.  Abigail and Ann-Marie both said they don’t date, they’re just waiting for the one God has set apart for them.

It was such a blessing to hear that.  I want to live that way, but I’m afraid to admit it.  Both of those girls are very similar to me.

This morning Ann-Marie and I, plus a girl named Nikki, helped register parents for the Parent’s Weekend.  I’ve always thought Ann-Marie was a neat girl, but I never noticed how beautiful she was (and is) until this morning.

As we registered the parents in, the three of us would try to guess  whose mother and father they were.  Some parents looked exactly like their child.

It made me think.

One day, would it be, could it be possible that God would create and breath life into a being that was partly me?

Wow.

I’ve only begun to live.

September 16, 1995 – Saturday – 4:50 p.m.

I did go to Boone today.  I went with Amy and Donnie and we ate out at Makoto’s and signed up to be extras in movies.  We also went to see Nine Months at the dollar theater.  It was funny and kind of freaky.  But it did make me realize that one day far off in the future, my life would mainly revolve around my wife and children.

A huge life is ahead of me.

I have seen so little.

But there is no reason to rush it.

As for today… I am content.

June 8, 1995 – Thursday – 5:30 p.m.

I worked 10 hours today.

I did the front line for the first seven hours.  While working, I served a girl I once knew.  A girl I knew when I was in the fourth grade.  Her name is Andrea.  I don’t believe I have mentioned her in my journal before.  Even in the fourth grade I remember thinking she was everything.  I told Danny to tell her that I loved her and he did.  She smiled.  The next day she said I was her boyfriend.  Embarrassed, I denied it when a friend asked me.  She was standing right there and was shocked and hurt.

She was very beautiful today.

My hands began to shake.

And then she was gone.

She stared at me in a peculiar way.

Perhaps she recognized me.

Now she is the mother of two.

She is 20-years-old and she lives above a fire station in Bonlee.

She is not married.

I wonder at times if she still thinks about me like I think about her.

February 4, 1995 – Saturday – 1:40 a.m.

I am in a deep.

I am down too far.

I can’t swim.

I’m sinking.

I have put this off for too long.  I have tried not to write about it, but now I must.

Jeni and I have had some problems.  It just seems like we have been drifting apart this past week or so.  We are never overwhelmingly happy when we are around each other.

It is a very long story and I will continue it after I’ve gotten some sleep.

I’ve gotten some sleep.  It’s now 8:00 a.m.

Let’s continue.

Ever since the mission trip to Albany, GA things have been bad.  Then we went home and things were good again because we had that talk about how close we had gotten physically.  We decided to back away.  There were times when Jeni and I would be making out and she would simply take off her shirt.

WHY!?  I didn’t ask her to do that.  I didn’t want that.  Of course, my body did, my flesh did, but not me.  Not my soul!  Not my spirit!

I was the one who brought it up back home and I thought it was taken care of, but it wasn’t.

It happened again once we returned to school.

And then it happened again.

“STOP IT!” I hollered inside.

That is only a part of it.  There is a lot more.  Although I love her very much, Jeni has been in such a bad mood these past two weeks.  All she ever says is that she wants her mommy; that she wants to go home.  She say that in one sentence and then she’ll talk about marrying me, and being my wife, and making love to me and what we will name our children.

That made me feel uncomfortable.  I would go along with it just to please her.  It’s the same thing with our physical closeness…I would go along with it because I thought that was what she wanted.  It’s like she’s insecure or something and trying to use her body to hold onto me.  I never wanted to be with her because of her body.

She would get so jealous if I talked or laughed with another girl.  She would get upset if I went out with Charlie or did anything but wait patiently for her while she was in dance class.

She would complain if I went over to Kristi’s room to play Donkey Kong Country.  Yet, whenever I was over in her room, we never did anything fun.  I just sat there, bored out of my mind, listening to her talk about wanting to go home.

Truthfully, I felt trapped.  I felt pressured.

I still feel trapped and pressured.

But there is still something else.  Remember how I told you this skit group at Heaton is beginning?  Well, it made me think of home.  It made me think more about one person than I had been.

To tell you the truth, it all goes back to what happened on May 8, 1993.

That weird feeling hasn’t gone away.

Also, what I wrote on February 13, 1994.

That one flower still hasn’t faded away.  All of the others have.  But she is still alive in my heart.  I even wrote her a letter yesterday.

But why am I thinking this way?  What can’t I be happy with Jeni?  Why do I still want Christi?

Jeni and I had a long talk last night.  I shared with her how I felt pressured and trapped.  I said that I needed her to lighten up and that I needed a little space.  I said that all this talk about marriage and naming our children is making me uncomfortable.

That killed her.

She said that becoming a wife and mother was her calling and it would kill her to not be able to talk about that with me.  I didn’t know what to say, so I said that I wasn’t going anywhere.

It’s like I want Jeni simply to be with me while I’m at school, but then have Christi afterwards and forever.  I told Jeni that we need to realize that the chance of us not being together forever might happen.

She said that if we both wanted to be together forever, then nothing would stop us.

Last night went on like that for a long time.  I would say one thing and she would say another.

She was in tears.

My eyes were dry.

She didn’t want to lose me.  She got down on her knees and begged for God to let her have me.

Yet, during all of this, I was thinking of Christi.

I was so mad at myself.

What was I doing?

What was wrong with me, I wasn’t making any sense.

Jeni said that she thinks it is better to have never loved at all, than to have loved and lost.

I told her that I felt like I was wasting her time.  But she says that she doesn’t want anyone else.  She only wants me.

She was crying and screaming, curled up in a fetal position on her bed.  I was so afraid that other girls were going to come knocking on the door to find out what was wrong.

So, I went against my will and I put on a mask.

I became a good actor.

We went for a walk in the winter wonderland outside and she was happy.

Yet, I was fighting a war inside my soul.

I don’t know what I’m doing.

Jeni knows nothing about Christi.

Show me what to do God.

Show me who to love.

This is really difficult for me.  I need you.

Christi, where ever you are, I pray you have a wonderful day.

Perhaps this is the legend of my fall.

December 13, 1993 – Monday – 3:57 p.m.

A year ago, Veronica and I began a special type of relationship that ended on May 11th of this year.

I always thought a year was a long time.

A year is a very short time.  Trust me.

Yesterday was special to me.  When I came to church Tenielle and Jenna were there.  And the three of us helped bring chairs from the sanctuary to the children’s church room.  It was being set up for the Thanksgiving/Christmas dinner.  Jenna had brought one extra so she was carrying it back.

I was behind her and she said, “This is pitiful, me carrying this thing back.”

So I said, knowing what she was hinting at, “Well, let me be gentlemen like and carry it for you.”

She thanked me.

The two of them still call me dude.

After praise and worship I went into children’s church.  Jenna and Tenielle didn’t go.  Their too old.  While in there, I overheard Shane in conversation.  Now Shane used to go with Tenielle for about two weeks; you know how 12-year-old are.  I heard him tell Wayne that he couldn’t let him read “it” because it had a lot of cussing in it.

I butted in and said, “What does?”

“A letter.”

“From whom?”

“From Tenielle.”

An evil smirk filled my face.  “Let me read it.”

He did.

Wow!

She was mad.

Shane broke up with her for some ninth grader.  She said a few choice four letter words, a few of them even misspelled.  I got mad.  I didn’t think Tenielle was like that.  I was going to say something to her, but they left church while I was still in children’s church.  I would wait until that night.

I wasn’t going to say anything bad, I was just going to give her a little conviction by saying she shocked me, but that I will not think any less of her.

Why should I?

Ryan once admitted to me that she smoked a few times in her past.

I will not judge people by their past.  Because I would not want to be judged by the sins of my past.

His mercies are new every morning.

Cheryl came back with us yesterday.  She wanted to go to Marcus’s performance.  We both went.  It was great.  Better than before.

Once it was over, it was time for church.  We arrived early and I practiced Canon in D some.

Tenielle wasn’t there that night.  Bummer.

The service was awesome!  I love Jesus.  He loves me.  Everything is going to be fine.

Every person has their own song that he or she worships the Lord with.  I used to wonder what mine was.  Last night I found out it was Canon in D.  And once I learn how to play it, I will worship God with it.

In the back of my mind, I always knew it was Canon in D.

After church Sharlene came up to me (everyone calls her Shar for short).  She asked me if I asked Veronica out or if she asked me out.  I told her that I asked her out.  She said she didn’t want to know, that someone else did.

“Who?”

“Jenna!”

Jenna is 13, she’s pretty and sweet.  But that is still too young.

She said that Jenna likes me.

Oh well, I was flattered.  Shar said the reason they were not at church was because they had to babysit.  I questioned her about the letter from Tenielle.  She said she was shocked herself.  Tenielle isn’t like that, she must have been really mad.

That made me feel a little better.

Scott then took us all to McDonald’s.  Many families from the church were there.  One of Wayne’s cousins name was Christina; she’s seven years old and her family moved here from Florida.  She is so sweet.  She’s my little buddy.  But at McDonald’s last night, I had to leave, but she didn’t want me to.  She wanted me to stay and play with her.  When I told her that I couldn’t stay, she reached up and grabbed my balls and squeezed.  This girl knew right where to grab.  It hurt.  She said she was sorry and to please not tell on her.

I didn’t.  She’s just an innocent little girl.

A lot more stuff happened yesterday, but, as before, they were only simple looks, and gestures, and words that only mean something to me and to no one else.