February 11, 1997 – Tuesday – 10:00 a.m.

After my wonderful rehearsal last night I went to Cannon Cottage to visit Jeni, Tracey, and Ann-Marie.  I was in a good mood and had a huge smile on my face.  They thought this smile meant I knew something about a guy one of them liked and they tried the whole night to wriggle it out of me.  But I knew nothing about a guy that might like one of them. And rather than them seeing joy on my face, they took that smile and made it about themselves.  They didn’t see me.  They only wondered how I might serve them.

Then they began to talk about me and why I am alone romantically.  Tracey said it was because I am not mysterious enough.  I give everything out in the beginning and that I’m so friendly and understanding and such a great listener, that the girl has nothing else to explore, or strive for, or fix in me.

I knew this already, but the words from someone else, stating that my honesty and strong character were also a weakness, caused me to grow very silent.  I was happy, yet hurting.

Sure, I am honest.  These girls think they know me, and they do, but only to the extent that I allow them.  They know who I am to them because I manage how they perceive me, but they don’t really know me.  And I doubt they’ve ever really tried.

My honesty frightens them.  My love frightens them.  They are simply too insecure in themselves to see how honesty and selfless love can serve them in a relationship.  They would rather play mindless games, gossip about who likes who, strive for mysterious first kisses from total strangers, and get a chill down their spine than learn more truth about my spirit or what I think about when I’m alone.  They never asked me why I was smiling; they only wondered what I might know about them that they didn’t already know.

These girls think they know what they want, but they can’t even see what they really need.

They think they know me, but they have no idea how hard it is to be me.  To have a heart like mine, to have the responsibility of being the one guy who’s trying to do things the right way and to pursue honesty and truth.

But since we are being honest, let’s get really honest.  Tracey’s statement that my honesty is unattractive and scary has more to do with the fact that her boyfriend slept around on her than it has to do with me.  She’s really making excuses for herself in an effort to some how live with her pain.  Girls always take it out on me when total jerks treat them like crap; like it’s my fault that my personality and character traits are in me and not in the guy they picked.

Oh God, I feel more alone now than ever.


June 10, 1996 – Monday – 11:58 p.m.

Why me?

Something has come up.  Something unbelievable.

Dinner was nice.  I had to work on a paper for costuming, so Sherry offered to let me use her computer.  I got to her room about 5:45 p.m. and began my paper.    She cleans her room.  We begin to talk.

Before I get into our conversation, let me mention this:

Friday night, when Sherry and I plus two others saw Sense and Sensibility, we ran into Tracey, Derek, Jeni, and another girl.  We all said “Hi.”  Tracey stopped and talked to Sherry and I.  Derek walked on.

After they were gone, Sherry said, “I can’t believe Derek doesn’t even look at me anymore.”  And Sherry said something along those lines at least half a dozen times that night.

I invited her to church on Saturday.  She said, “If Derek is going to be there, I’m not going.”

So, something has occurred between Derek and Sherry, and I don’t think anybody else knows about it.

I asked her tonight.  She told me.  And then let me listen to voice mail recordings to back it up.

To be brief, Derek and Sherry were friends the first semester.  But from the end of January until the middle of April, they had sex 11 times, including a spring break trip to Florida, where it happened five times.  During all of this, Tracey, Derek’s steady girlfriend, went to sleep on her pure bed probably saying her prayers to the Lord.

Sherry and I continued to talk.  She doesn’t believe that Tracey knows what happened.  Sherry regrets all of it and feels Tracey has a right to know that her boyfriend cheated on her.

I began to talk to Sherry about the Lord and about how much he loves her.  We talked about the goodness of God for so long and she actually listened.  She wants to go to church with me, but she feels she needs to be forgiven by Tracey first, after Tracey finds out that is.  She wants me to help her make all this right.

I called Sharon for wisdom.

Now, I’m going to pray.