December 22, 1998 – Tuesday – 11:24 p.m.

On Monday nights I attend a “Home Church” that meets at Christian’s house, right across the yard from me.  This morning I played racquet ball with Erin (a guy) from the group.  We had a good time.

The Christmas carriage ride tonight with Sterling and Christin was so delightful.  We rode with some rather boring people, but that didn’t stop us from having a great time.  They gave me the coolest presents; I adore those two so much.

Sterling had to leave, but Christin and I drove back to her house so I could pick up a copy of our Christmas show.  Her dad had videotaped it.

While there, we sat at the piano and played Canon in D together.

Canon in D.

She is such a sweet and beautiful girl.  She gave me a letter tonight that blessed me so much.  I read it in awe and amazement.  She is so good to me.

We are going to the movies tomorrow after church and then she is taking me to the airport.

Please God, please help me know what is going on.

April 17, 1995 – Monday – 1:40 a.m.

It’s early Monday morning.  Easter Sunday is over and it was a super nice day!

Emily called me about an hour and a half ago.  I just got off the phone with her.  Her Spring Break has begun and she is going to stay in a condo on the beach all of next week.

We talked about so many things.  She says that she is going to use their video camera and video herself, her family, and some of her friends and send it to me.

I hope she does.  That would be really sweet.

She told me about her life and school and the way she sees things.  She says that she is so high on life these days.  I wish I was with her.  I am I suppose.  She sees me as a big part of her life.

She is definitely a huge part of mine.

She is finding her tomorrow.  She is smiling.  She is happy.  She is the most amazing girl I know.

I want her Lord.  However I can have her I will take her.  If she is only a friend, hundreds of miles away, then I am happy.  If she is more, I am happy.  If she is less, then I will have my memory to make me happy.

Another story has begun.

Another chapter.

Another note.  However, this note began to play before the idea of the never-ending Canon in D came along.

I will write this story one day at a time.

Until the next story begins.

This is the story about the Angel and her Prince.  It began almost two years ago.

And I pray it never ends.

February 7, 1995 – Tuesday – 8:00 p.m.

Tonight I have been trying to get in touch with some old friends.  The only people I talked to were Ryan and Amy.

I love them both.

Ryan says that she would like to go to Appalachian State University.  That would be awesome if she was there.

My Winter Dream would be so close to me.

She says she wants to come up and see me.  She has an uncle up here that works on Sugar Mountain.

Today I learned a valuable lesson.  What I tried to do on December 30, 1994 did not happen.  It could not happen and it will never happen.

My past is me.

Who I was then is who I am now.

And who I will be in the future will be the sum of me then and me now.

I will never forget.

I am unable to.

I know that sometimes in my Book of Days I contradict myself.  I think that one thing will last forever, but then soon I will not want it to last forever.

Not many things will stay constant.

Only one will.  Only my God.  He will never change.  He will always be there.

Things are changing though.

Look at Jason.  He was here, but not he is gone.

Jeni and I were forever, but now it is obvious to me that we are not.

At times I hear God telling me things.  But as I grow older, I’m beginning to understand the difference between his true voice and my own voice telling me things I want so badly that I falsely believe it’s God voice.

Jeni is in Boone now for some meeting.  Her mom made her a Valentine’s Day dress and she got it in the mail today.

I miss the way Jeni and I were, but I think it all goes back to what I said a long time ago.

Why have something special and romantic for a season, when you can be friends for a lifetime.

But is that reality?

The never-ending Canon in D.

Will it ever stop?

It may not, but it may, and I can say that I’m glad I do not know yet.

I don’t want to know.

There is no fun in knowing.

God, send me on an adventure; an adventure to do your will.  Fill it with excitement and please find joy in my smile, because it is you I am smiling at.

Only you.

Your love.

Your amazing greatness.

I don’t want to be here Lord if I can’t please you in the process.

I adore you Lord.

I want you more than anything and I need you more than anything.

You are what matters.

It’s your opinion I want to hear.

You know all the answers.

You are the greatest!

September 21, 1994 – Wednesday – 6:00 p.m.

Rehearsal begins at 6:30 p.m. for me tonight.  I just got back from walking Jeni to her dorm.  We ate dinner together and then she and I went to play around on the piano in the student center.  Actually, it was just me playing.  She listened.

I played Canon in D.

Did you hear me?

The never-ending Canon.

Will it end this time?

I called Kristen today to tell them I would meet them at the front gate at 11:00 a.m.  And I also called Cheryl, to tell her the same.  I believe I’m going to have to talk to Jeni about this.  Although I want to see my friends, the person I want to be with is Jeni.  And she needs to know that.  And she needs to hear it from me.

All of this began exactly one week ago.

I did not even know her name a week ago.

She knows.

I know.

But when will I say something?

Do I even have to?

April 1, 1994 – Friday – 9:50 p.m.

Happy April Fool’s Day!

I turned my research paper in today.  It felt so good to finish it.  After school I went with Wynne and Mark to a little restraint in Goldston.  Wynne took me home.  I felt a little sick this afternoon, but I got better once I got to work.

Work was a little hectic.  But I got through it.  During work, I, for some reason, felt something that reminded me of how I felt back in the summer of ’93 when I would work on Fridays knowing that tomorrow I’d see Ryan. 

Those Fridays are gone now.

Cheryl tells me Ryan has a boyfriend.  I’m happy for her.  I wonder if she’ll ever come back to church?  Looking back, I wouldn’t have done anything different when it comes to Ryan.  Sure, I could have saved myself a lot of pain, but everyone should get hurt; it helps their character.  I could have done things differently, and saved myself from the hurt, but I would have missed out on great times and memories.

I found my old eighth grade yearbook yesterday.  I thought I had lost it.  It was in my closet. 

Kenny came over last night.  He helps on the track team at Central and this girl asked him to the prom.  He called her from my house last night to tell her ‘yes.’  It was funny watching how nervous he was.  He says he is going to come Skating on Monday night.  It’s Christian Skate Night again!

I called Jonathan yesterday and he said his mom had planned a day for them to go to Myrtle Beach since it was her fiancé’s birthday.  She had made reservations at some place.  I didn’t want to get in the way, so I’m not going.

Jonathan and Vicky broke up.  Jonathan is seeing this girl named Sara who lives in Carthage.

Tomorrow we have a ministry thing starting at 11:00 a.m.  That means no youth group that night and hopefully Henry will let me go to Greensboro to see Schindler’s List.

April has arrived.  Can you believe it?  Jenna told Marcus that she wants me to write her.  I haven’t done it yet.  I got a letter from Tammy yesterday.  She is doing great.  She said she still has a crush on me.  I miss her.  I want to see her again.

Tonight after work I went to Peter’s.  He had this CD with different versions of Canon in D on it.  So I went to buy a tape and I stayed there and recorded a copy.  I love that song so much.

It’s a bummer that I’m not going to the beach.  I need to get away from here for a while.  I need to get away so I can appreciate this place again.

Something must change.  There are 40 days left of school.  Hopefully something will change after that; you know, before it all changes.

My mom got a job today.  It is up in Pittsboro.  We were all happy.  I don’t know what I’m going to do during Spring Break.  Hopefully something will come up.  I’m sort of sick of always having someone with me.  I wish Marcus had his own car.  I can’t do all the stuff I really want to because he is always with me.  Maybe it’s wrong to think this way, but he does get in the way sometimes. 

I can’t wait until Monday; I’m going to skate with the Roller Blades.

Perhaps I’ll clean my closet out this weekend.  No, that will probably hurt too much.

Whether it is for the better or not:  everything has changed.

December 25, 1993 – 7:23 p.m. – Saturday

Christmas is almost over.

I got tons of clothes, praise God!  I also received some tapes and other stuff.  I’ll be up here for another week.  I’m going to miss church tomorrow.  Although I’m up here in Virginia, my mind and heart is still back in Sanford, NC.

I’ve been thinking about Jenna.  She may be 13, but why not take her out just to get to know her some.  We’ll see!

Today, I looked at my grandparents, they have been married for over 40 years.  Is that not amazing!  They’re so old.  One day that is going to be me.

Well, I really don’t know what to write.  I’m almost at the end of this notebook, this fourth Book of Days.  I’ve already bought my fifth book and I brought it with me to Virginia.

Once I get back to school, I have only eight days left in the semester.  Then I start four new classes: Advanced Math, Honors English IV, Computer Applications II, and Library Aid.  It will be harder than the first semester.

Today, I went over to my Aunt Katherine’s to practice Canon in D on her keyboard.  It’s coming along.  Everyone keeps saying, “who taught you to play the piano?”  I just smile.

Well guys, nature is calling at the south end.  I must be going. 

December 13, 1993 – Monday – 3:57 p.m.

A year ago, Veronica and I began a special type of relationship that ended on May 11th of this year.

I always thought a year was a long time.

A year is a very short time.  Trust me.

Yesterday was special to me.  When I came to church Tenielle and Jenna were there.  And the three of us helped bring chairs from the sanctuary to the children’s church room.  It was being set up for the Thanksgiving/Christmas dinner.  Jenna had brought one extra so she was carrying it back.

I was behind her and she said, “This is pitiful, me carrying this thing back.”

So I said, knowing what she was hinting at, “Well, let me be gentlemen like and carry it for you.”

She thanked me.

The two of them still call me dude.

After praise and worship I went into children’s church.  Jenna and Tenielle didn’t go.  Their too old.  While in there, I overheard Shane in conversation.  Now Shane used to go with Tenielle for about two weeks; you know how 12-year-old are.  I heard him tell Wayne that he couldn’t let him read “it” because it had a lot of cussing in it.

I butted in and said, “What does?”

“A letter.”

“From whom?”

“From Tenielle.”

An evil smirk filled my face.  “Let me read it.”

He did.

Wow!

She was mad.

Shane broke up with her for some ninth grader.  She said a few choice four letter words, a few of them even misspelled.  I got mad.  I didn’t think Tenielle was like that.  I was going to say something to her, but they left church while I was still in children’s church.  I would wait until that night.

I wasn’t going to say anything bad, I was just going to give her a little conviction by saying she shocked me, but that I will not think any less of her.

Why should I?

Ryan once admitted to me that she smoked a few times in her past.

I will not judge people by their past.  Because I would not want to be judged by the sins of my past.

His mercies are new every morning.

Cheryl came back with us yesterday.  She wanted to go to Marcus’s performance.  We both went.  It was great.  Better than before.

Once it was over, it was time for church.  We arrived early and I practiced Canon in D some.

Tenielle wasn’t there that night.  Bummer.

The service was awesome!  I love Jesus.  He loves me.  Everything is going to be fine.

Every person has their own song that he or she worships the Lord with.  I used to wonder what mine was.  Last night I found out it was Canon in D.  And once I learn how to play it, I will worship God with it.

In the back of my mind, I always knew it was Canon in D.

After church Sharlene came up to me (everyone calls her Shar for short).  She asked me if I asked Veronica out or if she asked me out.  I told her that I asked her out.  She said she didn’t want to know, that someone else did.

“Who?”

“Jenna!”

Jenna is 13, she’s pretty and sweet.  But that is still too young.

She said that Jenna likes me.

Oh well, I was flattered.  Shar said the reason they were not at church was because they had to babysit.  I questioned her about the letter from Tenielle.  She said she was shocked herself.  Tenielle isn’t like that, she must have been really mad.

That made me feel a little better.

Scott then took us all to McDonald’s.  Many families from the church were there.  One of Wayne’s cousins name was Christina; she’s seven years old and her family moved here from Florida.  She is so sweet.  She’s my little buddy.  But at McDonald’s last night, I had to leave, but she didn’t want me to.  She wanted me to stay and play with her.  When I told her that I couldn’t stay, she reached up and grabbed my balls and squeezed.  This girl knew right where to grab.  It hurt.  She said she was sorry and to please not tell on her.

I didn’t.  She’s just an innocent little girl.

A lot more stuff happened yesterday, but, as before, they were only simple looks, and gestures, and words that only mean something to me and to no one else.

December 11, 1993 – Saturday – 10:26 p.m.

Things are weird.  I’m a little disappointed in myself.  I’ll try to explain the best I can.

We’ll start with tonight.

We had singing practice this morning, but youth group met at 2:00 p.m. instead of tonight, which meant I had my Saturday evening free.  So, tonight I went to my school’s concert choir Christmas performance.  Marcus was in it.  Everyone did a great job.

I was sitting with Nate, my little brother.  Before it all started, I turned and looked at the audience.  I saw David and Stephanie, a couple from my school.  They were having a good time.  I turned back around.

I was with Nate.

I felt alone.

A girl entered my mind.

This girl was Tenielle.  I told you about her right?  The girl from New Jersey.  Well, I thought about last night; I was at Mr. Gatti’s.  A lot of people were there, but Ryan, Amy, and Cheryl weren’t there.  Guess who was?  Tenielle, Jenna, Sunny, and their friend Sharlene (Wayne’s old girlfriend).

I was supposed to pick up Wayne and Shane (Sharlene’s brother) but I didn’t drive (mom wouldn’t let me because of the weather), so I came with Jonathan and Vicky instead.

So once I got there I saw the four girls sitting at their table and I went up to them.  They said, “Hey Dude!” mockingly.  I told them that I couldn’t to get Wayne and Shane.  They said they had ordered a pizza for them, so they had better show up.  I talked to Scott and he and I went to pick them up, but they were at a birthday party and didn’t come anyway.

Anyway, during the last hour of the thingamajig, everyone had left the restaurant except for our youth group, so we just took the place over and played some games.  One game we played required being in a circle.  I was sitting next to Sharlene but later Tenielle and Sharlene switched and she was sitting by me.

The game we played was “This is a what?”  It’s so fun.  We had to take an object and pass it around in a particular way:

Person A:  This is a coin.

Person B:  A what?

Person A:  A coin.

Person B:  A what?

Person A:  A coin.

Person B:  Oh, a coin.

And then B would tell C while A was telling B something new.  And on and on it goes.

But anyway, I would turn to Tenielle and say, “This is a coin.”  She would look deep into my eyes and I looked into hers and she’d say: “A what?”

The game went on and on.  And we laughed our brains out.  Everyone was messing up and getting confused.  

One of the objects was a sheet of paper and Tenielle got tongue tied and called it a “slut”.  She laughed so hard she roared a deep stomach growl.  Oh man.  It was amazing.  The whole time her leg was touching my leg.

One time, she even reached over, grabbed my hand and just licked it.  I have no idea why, but I’m also not complaining.

So, back to the choir concert, I was just sitting there, alone with my little brother and she was on my mind.  All I kept seeing in my mind was her face and those big bright eyes.

Then the concert was over and Marcus and I went back stage so he could get his stuff.  Marcus did an amazing job and everyone kept coming up to him and complementing him.  I wanted to have that kind of attention, but I’m not sure I have the goods to be in the concert choir.  

This was Marcus’s first year at Central and he’s doing great.  It’s my last year at Central and I’m only now beginning to break out of my shell of shyness.

I don’t know how to play the piano, but today I bought the sheet music for Canon in D.  I will learn how to play it.

I don’t like being shy.  I’m going to change.

At youth group this afternoon, Tenielle sat a few rows behind me.  While Shurby was speaking to someone in the back, I would always turn around to look, and it never failed, my eyes would catch hers and she would always be looking right at me.

But remember Jacob, only friends.

Only friends.

August 8, 1993 – Sunday – 2:38 p.m.

This past weekend taught me something, but I’m not really sure what that is yet.  Hopefully, this entry will help me realize it.

Saturday morning we got up at 4:30 a.m. and left for Virginia.  I slept practically all the way up there.  Just knowing I wasn’t near home felt good and I slept with the greatest peace.

The next thing I know, we are pulling into Grandpa’s driveway.  I got my stuff and went inside.

There was my dad!  My dad!  Not Henry, but MY DAD!

I hugged him.  It was so good to see him.

He had to go into work at noon.  He has a small job at a golf course.  I went with him and helped him drive the golf carts from the garage to the clubhouse and back and wash them.

The people there called me, “Little Brian.”  Brian is my dad’s name, in case you didn’t figure that out.

I had fun and at 2:30 my dad drove me over to the movie theater.  I saw Sleepless in Seattle.  But, before the movie started, I was sitting in the theater listening to the classical music that was playing over the speakers.

And guess what song came on?

Canon in D.

That’s right.  The first note struck me like a sword.  It is still my favorite song.

Remember back in March when I wrote the following back in my first Book of Days:

I went to court this morning.  It was embarrassing.  I was a bit nervous.  I, for the second time, heard my heart beat like a knock on a door.  I felt it beating throughout my whole body, down in my toes.  The first time I remember that happening was back in the days when I liked Ryan.  I was on the railroad tracks and I was listening to “Canon in D.”  I had a Walkman.  I was thinking of Ryan.  I don’t remember that ever happening with Veronica.

Once the song began, Ryan immediately came into my mind.  I saw her face and I wished she was sitting next to me.

It didn’t come true.

Then I thought of another girl.

Christi.

Again I wished, and again it didn’t come true.  Those two girls floated through my mind as the song continued to play.  I thought about the things we shared in the past and the things we joke about now.

I thought I was over Ryan.  Now I don’t know.

But then another girl surprising came back into the picture.

Veronica.

I remembered the night we went to see Aladdin.  I held her hand.  She laid her head on my shoulder.

I miss her.  But I don’t want her back.

I wish I could find someone to be that close to again.

Suddenly my mind was flooded with every girl I had ever liked.  Ryan, Christi, Veronica, Lisa, Anita, Emily, the blonde haired girl in second grade, Andrea… but mainly Ryan and Christi.

Then BANG!  The previews started and the song was cut off.  It didn’t finish.  The Canon wasn’t over.

There was still more to go.

More music.

And then I realized the music was the girls.  Canon in D was cut off at now and there was more music to come.  I just couldn’t hear it.  Not yet anyway.

My Canon isn’t finished yet.

But deep down, I’m hoping the final note is the same as the first note, or even the second note.