October 28, 1995 – Saturday – 11:30 a.m.

I did backstage tech again on Thursday night for Tweetsie Railroad.  The girl who knows Matt was not there, even though she was supposed to be.  So I didn’t go to Salisbury Friday night like I thought I would.

However, on Thursday night I did meet a 22-year-old dance teacher who offered me free dance classes just so I could be a partner for her girls.  That’s cool, but I think I’d have to have my own car in order to really commit to it.

Since I didn’t go to Salisbury last night, Dan, Allen, Vince and I went to Boone instead.  We met up with Kristen and a bunch of her friends.  We all ate at Macado’s and went to see a movie called Powder.  I really liked it.  Powder was played by the guy who played Young Indiana Jones.

I saw Mr. Angel at the theater, as well as Lisa, Syndi, and Dr. Speer.  Ted, Tracey’s ex-boyfriend was part of Kristen’s gang.  It was good seeing him again.  We went to someone’s house afterwards and played Taboo.

My brother called me this morning.  He is seeing a hispanic girl.

. . .

I just got off the phone with Lisa.  She called me while I was writing and wanted to talk about praying and how to do it.  She’s so adorable.

I’m going to go see Little Women today at Avery High School.  Laura, Molly, and Crystal are in it.

Brian White and Justice are in concert on Halloween again.  Just like last year.

October is almost over.

1995 is almost over.

Tomorrow is here.

Something happened yesterday however that will stick with me forever.  I’m confident I’ll never forget it.

While at Macado’s, a party of four sat down at the table in front of us.  It was three girls and one guy.  When they sat down one girl looked at me and then a look of amazement filled her face.  Her eyes widened and she took a deep breath.  Her three other friends then turned and looked at me and had the same reaction.  The whole night they kept looking at me, smiling, and then whispering to each other.

Then finally, as we were getting ready to leave, the guy from the group came up to me and said, “Excuse me, do you go to Lees-McRae?”

“Yes.”  I said.

“Were you in Antigone?”

“Yeah.”

“As the Messenger?!”

“Yes.”

His face lit up.  All of the girls’ faces lit up and he just shouted, “We thought that was you!  You did the greatest job man!  It was so funny!”  He went on and on singing my praises.  I didn’t know what else to do, but to simply say thank you.

Needless to say, I left Macado’s with huge smile on my face.  I felt famous.  And it felt like that wasn’t going to be the last time I would feel that way.

For that moment, I was an actor.  And I had left an impression.

My dream had come true.

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October 15, 1995 – Sunday – 11:57 p.m.

What a day!

Church was wonderful this morning.  Crystal was there and she sat with me.  I’m going to spend Fall Break with her and her family.  I’m looking forward to it.

It has been really cold today.  It’s around 35 degrees now.  It’s hard to believe October is already half over.

The last performance of Li’l Abner was today.  Everyone from church came.  We had strike afterwards and didn’t get finished until 8:30 p.m.

Eddie just left my room.  He came to get some notes for Diction.  We talked about Christianity some and then about acting and theater.  He tells me I have great talent.  I’m not sure how to take all of this.  Recently, because of Antigone, everyone has noticed my acting ability, talent, and gift from God.  God has given me this talent.  This gift.

And I can’t wait until the next time I get to use it!

October 11, 1995 – Wednesday – 11:45 p.m.

It’s been two years since the day Jonathan and I first visited Lees-McRae College.

I love it here.

Last night Derek and Tina and I stayed up until 6:30 this morning working on a lighting project.  We turned it in this afternoon.  It went very well.  We had the greatest time working on it.

I was reading some reviews of Antigone posted up.  Everyone said they enjoyed the Sentry the best.

Today I did a scene with a girl named Terra for the Directing class.  I directed us.  We played a married couple.  Terra goes crazy, tries to kill me, but instead kisses me.  It was very funny.  Everyone was laughing.  They say I am very good.  Perhaps they are right.

Li’l Abner opened tonight.  I am the house manager.  It is such a good show.

After the show, Melonie was telling me how much she enjoyed my scene with Terra this morning.  She told me that last year she thought I was an idiot, because she didn’t know me.  But now she says I have a lot of talent.

It’s hard to know how to handle all of this fame.

Maybe I can be a good actor.  Maybe I already am.

I just thank the Lord.

October 3, 1995 – Tuesday – 6:00 p.m.

It is evening again here at Lees-McRae College.

I am on duty.

Things are calm.

Do you remember Erica?  Well, she and I email now.  She will be at ASU in January.  I’m looking forward to seeing her.

I got a voice mail from Jonathan yesterday.  He is losing his apartment Friday and he doesn’t have a job.  My best friend is practically homeless.  And just think, I few months ago…I was his home.

I had to write up G.W. today.  He was Haimon in Antigone.  He had alcohol in his room.

Things continue to change.

One year ago, I was kissing Jeni on a stone bench.

Two years ago, I was eating at Mr. Gatti’s with Ryan, Amy, Christi, and Cheryl.

Things do change.  And that is good.

If I’m not changing, then I’m probably dead.

October 1, 1995 – Sunday – 6:00 p.m.

My mom came up here this weekend to see the show.  Grandma and Aunt Sis were with her.  They took me out to eat and gave me some money!  It was good to see her.

Antigone ended today.  Kevin couldn’t make it, but I’ll see him later.  It’s beautiful outside today.  I am lying here on my bed, listening to the Legends of the Fall soundtrack.

It is peaceful.

I enjoyed Antigone so much.  I worked with such a great cast.  Everyone has complemented me on my work.  I have grown and learned so much.  They said I was born to be a comedian and to make people laugh.  They said I had talent and that it is going to take me far.

Antigone will never happen again, except in my memory.

Crystal, Clifton, and the Spradlings were there.  It was wonderful.

Dan, Vince, Allen, Curtis, and Jeff are turning out to be really good friends that I can possibly trust.  We hang out together all the time.  The other night we watched all three Star Wars movies back to back.

It’s October.

How far I’ve come.

Fall break is in 17 days.  I don’t know where I will be.

Last night Amy and I watched The ButterCream Gang.  It was great.  It is so wonderful hanging around her.

Simple little things happen each day.  So much so that I can’t write about it all.  Love and joy are all around me.  This land, these trees, these golden leaves, good friends, lovely girls…when did the world become so insanely beautiful?  I thought nothing could top my days with the Jason and the Emmanuel Players.  But perhaps these too are some of the best days of my life.

September 28, 1995 – Thursday – 11:58 p.m.

I got a lot of laughter and compliments from Antigone tonight.  Everyone said I stole the show and took all the attention.

Afterwards, when I came back to my Residence Hall and was hanging out with Dan, Jeff, Vince, and Mike, Jeff got a phone call.  He came back to us with tears in his eyes.  His best friend’s mom had died in her sleep, totally unexpected.  She was like Jeff’s second mom.

I spent some time with him.  We listened to some music and talked.  He will go home this weekend.  He will be okay.

You know, I can see things changing.  Every day things grow more and more different and distant from where I came.

October is almost here.

1996 is almost here.

So fast.

But that is life.

September 28, 1995 – Thursday – 12:05 p.m.

The show has been going great.  I get a lot of laughs.

I borrowed the Broadway recording of Beauty and the Beast.  It is so beautiful.  And it makes me think.  It is filled with such a romantic view of love and that is currently missing from my life.  I am around girls all the time.  I go out with different girls.  But there is no one here who I would even consider wanting to share a romantic relationship with.  I sometimes wonder if something so true and romantic could even happen in real life.  Does romantic love exist only in the movies?  Only in broadway musicals?

Even as I looked out from underneath the bridges of Chambers County in Alabama I looked forward to the days I would hold an angel.  But I departed Emily’s house in Crestview broken and at a loss.  Confused.  Hurt.  And sad.

But I survived and looked forward to returning to Lees-McRae.

That day came and Heaton Christian Church was there to welcome me.  And I now call this place home.

Crystal and Clifton threw me a birthday party.  RA training came.  Students came.

I looked for romance in Syndi and in doing so, I hurt James.

But peace was made between us.  Before that I spent four days in the high mountains, instead of sea level shores, with a soul that I still try to reach, but backs away.

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Sunlight dances on the waters.  Everything is perfect.  But nothing lasts forever.

Holding hands?  Yes.

Closeness?  Yes.

But only skin deep.

Not what I want.

New friends are made.  They make me laugh.  College life is simple and fun.  Charlie and I still have good conversations about our faith that helps us to grow.

Antigone arrives and I show my talent.  People I don’t even know come up to me and compliment me on a job well done.  I became the best RA.  I witness and minister to people.

I love my Jesus.

But I don’t know.  Sometimes I stop and I listen.  I look.  I stare.  I search.  I look for a perfect person, another soul out there that I can cling to.

Special moments come along, but in my mind I see a smile from Christi.

Beautiful girls are all around me, yet I remember the laughter from Ryan.

Why do I want something so far away and so long ago?

But even in the past I can’t find the perfect soul.

I only find that in Jesus.

I can’t even find that perfect person in myself.

I look for something true and pure, because I long to be true and pure.

Perhaps someone else is looking for someone true and pure?  Perhaps I can be that person for them?

If I can’t find her.

Then maybe she can find me.

There is no reason to live, if I can’t do it the right way.  If I can’t do it God’s way.  I do this for Him.

No pain could be deeper.

No life could be cheaper.

No point anymore, if I can’t do this for my Lord.

He has washed me clean.

Let me begin.

Jesus is next to me.

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