June 12, 1999 – Saturday – 4:51 p.m.

I feel like crying…crying because I don’t have best friend here.  At the moment, I feel so very much alone, very misunderstood, and I never feel like I can fully relax into the friendships I have here.

I talked to Justin, Abigail, Tracey, and Sarah the other night.  They sounded so good.  Sarah and I are all healed and that completely amazes me.  But these dear people are all far away.  Justin is in town, but at camp.  I leave in a week, so I won’t get to see him.

I’ll soon be around a new group of people.  Before I even depart, I guy I don’t know from Richmond is staying with me for a week while he helps out on a film shoot.

Oh Jesus…what is going on?

How am I doing?

I feel life has become so different and I don’t want it to be.  Is it my perspective or are things really changing?  Am I still young?  What do you want me to do?  Where have all my simple joys gone?  I am missing them so.  Why all this stress?  Life didn’t use to be this way.

Mom called me the other night.  She and Henry are having problems in their marriage.  They say they’re spiritual attacks because of their involvement with the Brownsville Revival and they are going to counseling.  I hope they’re still good.

There is a family reunion happening at Deep Creek, but I can’t go due to the film shoot.

Change.  I both love and hate it.

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May 26, 1994 – 10:50 p.m. – Thursday

Will that day ever come?

Yesterday was Wednesday.  Church was fine; Tenielle gave me a letter.  It was sweet.

Tonight I went to Nana’s spring concert.  I went last year too, remember?

It was wonderful.  I almost cried.

Trish and Brian were there.  Brian had recently broken his nose.  They make such a great couple.

Nana has a boyfriend name Nathan.  They seem to be getting along fine.

Trish asked me, “Who did you come with?”

“I came alone,” I said.

Last year when I came to the spring concert, I noticed a girl singing.

I saw her again this past Christmas.  And tonight I saw her again.

Three times.  And I’ve never lost the sight of her face in my mind.

After the concert, when I was talking with Trish, she said she couldn’t believe I drove thirty minutes just to hear Nana sing.

She said she wishes she had friends who would do that for her?

I stopped by Jenna and Tenielle’s for about twenty minutes tonight.  They’re great.  Jenna and Tenielle both gave me a letter to give to Marcus.  Jenna’s was typed.

Tenielle also gave me a letter to give to Kevin.

Tenielle told me that Marcus called today, but she didn’t get to talk to him because he wanted to talk to his Jenna.

Last night Marcus had a a letter to give to Jenna; she ignored him a little and I saw the confusion in Marcus’ eyes.  But he did finally give it to her.

The two of them have a song: I swear by Boyz 2 Men.

I hugged them both.  Tenielle gave me a wedgie and I left and drove home alone.

I passed by the road that I would take whenever I would go to Ryan’s house.  I thought about turning there tonight, then I realized that it had been around five months since I had even thought about turning there.  When will it be my turn?

I’m used to this however.

I will be okay.

 

October 24, 1993 – Sunday – 10:05 p.m.

The sun began to set today.  Its still going down if it hasn’t already.  

This morning I went back in children’s church after praise and worship.  Cheryl and Amy were back there.  The way children’s church works will soon change.  There used to be two different drama teams.  Gary and I were on each one.  Now there will be three, and I will only go into children’s church every third Sunday instead of every Sunday.  This starts in about two weeks.  Next week will be the last time I’m in children’s church with Ryan and Christi.  My drama team is now just Elizabeth and I.

Well, anyway, Cheryl and I were talking.  And she asked me if I knew who Marcus liked.  I said, “Yeah, I know, Trish.”  Then she wanted to know if I still liked Ryan.  I told her that I did, but that I didn’t see the two of us as anything.

We talked some more.  Then I told her that I knew Ryan liked this guy at school named Kevin.  No one ever told me that; I just overheard a conversation.

She asked me if I was upset.

I said, “No, why should I be.  Ryan is not mine; I can’t say anything.”

Tonight I looked at some pictures of Ryan’s and I saw a picture of Kevin.  He had one of those wild hair cuts.  But I haven’t met the kid, I’m not going to judge him because of his hair.  He must definitely be a great guy if Ryan sees something in him.

I also found out tonight that Trish and Marcus are actually becoming a thing.

Marcus and Trish, Cheryl and Matt, Ryan and Kevin, Christi and Adam, Jacob and Nobody.

I’m alone.  It’s weird when there is no one out there who you really like.  You try to find something else to look forward to beside seeing her.

I wish someone new would come along.

It was this time last year that Veronica and her family began coming to the church.  I will not do something like that again though, just because I couldn’t have Ryan.  

I’ll manage.  I know I will.  I’ll just watch my friends continue in their lives and their relationships.  Then I’ll say goodbye and I’ll start all over again in a little corner of the world called Lees-McRae.