August 17, 1994 – Wednesday – 10:40 a.m.

Today is my birthday.

At 5:00 p.m. I will be exactly 18-years-old.

A year ago today I wen to the zoo, and to Fayetteville to see Aladdin.

Last night I went walking on the railroad tracks near my house to pray.  I realized that I’ve been trying to do this on my own.  I’ve been trying to live this life by myself.

And it’s not working.

I gave it back to God last night, and I don’t want it anymore.  It’s too much trouble.  All of this acting and film stuff that I’m going into, I must be crazy to think I could do all of that on my own.  I’m yours God.  I don’t want any of this anymore.  Take me and put me in your will.  That is the safest place for me anyway.  Use me up in Banner Elk, Lord.  There’s no way I can survive up there without you.  You’ve kept me safe for 18 years and you’ve put up with me for 18 years.  You must want me for something, so here I am, take me.

Use me to do your will.  I’ve never auditioned for a musical before, but if you want me in a play, then I’ll do whatever you want of me.

I can’t live without you Lord.  This world is too chaotic.  You are the only absolute.  You are all that matters.

Thank you Lord for teaching me all I need to know.  Thank you Lord for sending your Holy Spirit to teach me.

Do with me what you want.  I’m sick of trying to do it my way.

So here I am Lord.

Here I am.

Send me where I am suppose to be.

Send me to Lees-McRae.

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July 30, 1994 – Saturday – 10:42 p.m.

Oh boy!

Listen, first off, I saw It Could Happen To You today with Marcus.  I almost cried.  It was absolutely wonderful.

Tonight at youth group Jenna gave me a letter to give to Jonathan and she asked for a hug.  I gave her one.  Tenielle did to, so I gave her one as well and they went home.

Tonight Marcus called them to talk to Jenna, and I ended up talking to both of them.  I made Tenielle cry.  You see, she cares about me and I have the attitude that on one does.  I don’t blame her; I would be upset too.  But I think we talked thing out.

I just really desire for people to show me and tell me that they appreciate what I’ve done here.  Only Jonathan and Tenielle have.  But now I realize that I need to let people know that I appreciate them and what they’ve done for me, instead of just waiting for them to express their thoughts to me.

I told Marcus tonight and I will tell others.  Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  It doesn’t matter how I think of people after I leave.  What matters is how I show them how important they are to me while I’m here.

Also today I was able to talk to Kristen.  She’s doing great!

I talked to a friend of Christi’s at Wal-Mart.  She said Christi has been in New York for two weeks.  And then she just left for a gymnastics tournament.  I asked her to tell Christi that I asked about her. She said she would.

Yesterday I visited Shirley, you know Veronica’s mom, and her new born baby.  They named her Jasmine, you know from Aladdin.  She’s four weeks old and so small.  Veronica was on vacation in the mountains with a friend.  And, well, things seem to be good with them.

My parents have been away in Virginia.  They will be back tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

No telling what the day will bring…

August 18, 1993 – Wednesday – 11:45 a.m.

Yesterday we went to the zoo.

It was myself, Scott C., Scott T., Ruby, Laura, Elizabeth, Nate, Cheryl, Anne, Ryan, and Amy.

I had a lot of fun.  Afterwards, we went to Fayetteville and saw Aladdin at a dollar theater.  We picked up Christi on the way there.  She’s back from New York.

The last time I saw that movie was with Veronica.  It brought back a lot of memories.  A lot of good memories.

Cheryl rode with me back to Sanford.  She said that she knew something I didn’t about Ryan, and it deals with me.  It doesn’t matter anymore.  I care, but it’s not important.

We went to McDonald’s after we got to Sanford.  They were talking about everything you could think of.  Both Christi and Ryan said they were ready to get married.  Then Christi said she just wanted to fall in love, but she knew she had some more growing up to do.

Then I said, “I just want to grow up and make movies for the rest of my life.”

Cheryl thought I said “babies.”

That is only part of my future dream.  Here is the full version:

I want to graduate high school and then go to a film school and learn everything there is to know about film and filmmaking.  Then I want to write books, novels, short stories, plays, scripts, you name it.  And I want to make movies.  Overall, I want to be a storyteller.

I want to tell stories is so many different ways for the rest of my life.

And some where in between all that, I want to find that special someone to share all the joy and all the happiness and all the love with.

And I know now that will be neither Ryan nor Christi.

And I want to have a little girl, and I want to see her grow up and have so many boys go crazy over her, and I want, one day, to give her away in marriage.

I also want to have a boy and want to watch him grow up and fall in love as well.

But above all of that, above everything else, there is one day I am looking forward to.  And that is the day I die, because:

The mountains are steep
And the valleys low
Already I’m weary
But I have so far to go
Oh, and sorrow holds my hand
And suffering sings me songs
But when I close my eyes
I know to whom I belong
Who makes me strong

I will be free
I will be free to run the mountains
I will be free
Free to drink from the living fountain
Oh, I’ll never turn back
‘Cause He waits for me
Oh, I will be free

A wise man, a rich man
In pauper’s clothes
A shepherd to lead us
Through the land of woes
Though many battles I have lost
So many rivers yet to cross
But when my eyes behold the Son
Who bore my loss, who paid the cost

I will be free
I will be free to run the mountains
I will be free
Free to drink from the living fountain
Oh, I’ll never turn back
‘Cause He waits for me
Oh, I will be free

Oh, and I’ll dance on silver moonlight
And I’ll walk through velvet fields
Oh, and I’ll run into the arms
The arms that set me free

I will be free
I will be free to run the mountains
I will be free
Free to drink from the living fountain
Oh, I’ll never turn back
‘Cause He waits….
I’ll never turn back
Don’t you ever turn back
Because someday, someday we’re gonna see
We will be free

-Cindy Morgan

August 8, 1993 – Sunday – 2:38 p.m.

This past weekend taught me something, but I’m not really sure what that is yet.  Hopefully, this entry will help me realize it.

Saturday morning we got up at 4:30 a.m. and left for Virginia.  I slept practically all the way up there.  Just knowing I wasn’t near home felt good and I slept with the greatest peace.

The next thing I know, we are pulling into Grandpa’s driveway.  I got my stuff and went inside.

There was my dad!  My dad!  Not Henry, but MY DAD!

I hugged him.  It was so good to see him.

He had to go into work at noon.  He has a small job at a golf course.  I went with him and helped him drive the golf carts from the garage to the clubhouse and back and wash them.

The people there called me, “Little Brian.”  Brian is my dad’s name, in case you didn’t figure that out.

I had fun and at 2:30 my dad drove me over to the movie theater.  I saw Sleepless in Seattle.  But, before the movie started, I was sitting in the theater listening to the classical music that was playing over the speakers.

And guess what song came on?

Canon in D.

That’s right.  The first note struck me like a sword.  It is still my favorite song.

Remember back in March when I wrote the following back in my first Book of Days:

I went to court this morning.  It was embarrassing.  I was a bit nervous.  I, for the second time, heard my heart beat like a knock on a door.  I felt it beating throughout my whole body, down in my toes.  The first time I remember that happening was back in the days when I liked Ryan.  I was on the railroad tracks and I was listening to “Canon in D.”  I had a Walkman.  I was thinking of Ryan.  I don’t remember that ever happening with Veronica.

Once the song began, Ryan immediately came into my mind.  I saw her face and I wished she was sitting next to me.

It didn’t come true.

Then I thought of another girl.

Christi.

Again I wished, and again it didn’t come true.  Those two girls floated through my mind as the song continued to play.  I thought about the things we shared in the past and the things we joke about now.

I thought I was over Ryan.  Now I don’t know.

But then another girl surprising came back into the picture.

Veronica.

I remembered the night we went to see Aladdin.  I held her hand.  She laid her head on my shoulder.

I miss her.  But I don’t want her back.

I wish I could find someone to be that close to again.

Suddenly my mind was flooded with every girl I had ever liked.  Ryan, Christi, Veronica, Lisa, Anita, Emily, the blonde haired girl in second grade, Andrea… but mainly Ryan and Christi.

Then BANG!  The previews started and the song was cut off.  It didn’t finish.  The Canon wasn’t over.

There was still more to go.

More music.

And then I realized the music was the girls.  Canon in D was cut off at now and there was more music to come.  I just couldn’t hear it.  Not yet anyway.

My Canon isn’t finished yet.

But deep down, I’m hoping the final note is the same as the first note, or even the second note.