January 29, 1999 – Friday – 8:12 a.m.

I talked to Dan and Curtis over the phone.  I must make it back to Lees-McRae on May 9th to attend their graduation.  They both seem to be doing well.  Needless to say, I miss them.

Things are good here.  I have many assignments and papers ahead of me, so I’m headed to the library today.

February is almost here.  That only means a little over three months remain the in the semester.

Not long at all.

Then, I’ll only have a year left.

Time is moving faster than it ever has before.

Hmm.

I’ve just been sitting here for a while.  It’s funny how, during some moments, the world makes sense, and, in others, it doesn’t.

Money hardly exists anymore.  It used to be numbers on paper, but now it is only numbers on a screen, numbers on computers, numbers in cyberspace that seem to have no value whatsoever.  We drive around in our cars like robots, and all we are buying with these useless numbers are lies.

When I was in Africa playing underneath the Milky Way, I was away from all the lies.

When I would sit in the treehouse on Hemlock Hill during a midnight snowfall, I was away from it all.

I hope the Lord comes back this year.  I don’t want to live in a world after the year 2000.  I fear things are going to get ugly, and that humans might only become more robotic.

It pains me to know that I’m a part of it all.

October 11, 1998 – Sunday – 9:17 a.m.

I cannot believe it is the eleventh already.

An incredible peace has come over my soul and spirit the past couple of days.  Yesterday’s film shoot was so much fun.  I cannot believe that is supposed to be work for me.

I look forward to each new day just to see what God has in store.  I miss the companionship of Vince, Dan, Allen, and Curtis, but I also enjoy the abundant alone time I have now.  Everyone at Lees-McRae is going to Hilton Head like we did last year.  There are over 30 people going, and many are freshmen I’ve never met.  That world has moved on without me.

I miss Africa as well.  Those were such perfect days.

What a perfect God!  He knows me inside and out.  I hand all of this over to him.

 

August 14, 1998 – Friday – 3:00 p.m.

I have the day off and I am sitting alone facing the Atlantic Ocean.  I have discovered the beach for locals, it’s called Sandbridge, and no longer venture to the tourist trap that is Virginia Beach actual.  It is a beautiful day.  The waves are too powerful and no one is allowed in the water.  I just went for a walk and my steps joined in harmony with the crashing waves and the snapping bubbles of the surf.  I sang praises to my Lord and felt my Jesus with me.

The past two days of work were nice, and David and I visited Cindy’s on Wednesday night and enjoyed some yummy pizza.  Oh, and yesterday I called Lindy, and the two of us had the best conversation in the world.

I miss her.

I want her to come and see me.

So, here I am.  I will turn 22 after this weekend, I’ve experienced the beginnings of wonderful new friendships, and I’m facing a body of water that touches Africa, a land from which I have just returned.  And I’m about to start film school!

David has complimented me many times on how well I fit in with all the different groups of people.  Yet, he also says that when I blend in, I do it without changing who I am.

Wow, 19 pelican just flew over my head, all in a straight line.  Perhaps one day I can blend in with them and fly away.

But it is nice to have this sand, this earth, while I can.  I’ll be able to fly some day, but it is not now.  Now, I have the joy of sitting in complete peace with myself.  I can’t believe the world is full of so much beauty and so much love.

I love you God.

I love you.

July 25, 1998 – Saturday – 8:10 p.m.

I have so little time left here.  So little time left in Africa.  So little time around these people.  So little time left on this planet.

I read a quote today by Frank Lawbach, “I have this minute in my control.  It is all I really do have to work with.  It is as magnificent or drab or vile as the thoughts which fill it.  I fear our most common sin is empty minutes.”

Ephesians 5:15-16 tells us to redeem the time, to set our time free from evil, to fill our life with good.  My life is full of empty minutes.  But I don’t want to live through another one ever again.  The other teams that went to Swaziland and Escourt came back today.  It was so great to see everyone.  I had been missing them and didn’t even know it.  I spent time talking with Jessica.  She has such a sweet spirit in her.  And then I talked with a girl named Emily here.  She is 15 and so smart.  She has such a Godly heart.  And while talking with her and hearing her passions, I realized that so many of the minutes I spent with Sarah were empty.  Many were filled with life, but many were not.  I was hurt by her.  Why do the ungodly ones always want me, but the Godly ones never do?

Well, last night, we went to a youth service, and I went up for prayer for God to help me give my past up to him.  I ended up on the floor and God definitely did some work in me.

And so, I am moving forward.  I will still keep in touch with Sarah, but I need to let her know that I need to be away from her to grow.

I think she already knows that though.

 

June 21, 1998 – Sunday – 3:04 p.m.

It’s officially the first day of summer!

Friday night I went to Asheboro and ran into Wynne and Grant from high school.  We went to see X-Files together.  It was nice to be near them.  I rode around in the back of Grant’s truck for a bit as he cruised downtown.  It was a nice moment of wind and freedom.

On Saturday I spent the day with Sarah at Pilot Mountain on the other side of Winston-Salem.  What a magical place.  We saw Hope Floats that evening and ate dinner with her dad.  We had some difficult hikes during our hike.  I’m glad I’m leaving.  Sarah and I feel a bit stuck.  I’m sure if I were three years younger, our relationship would play out differently.  I love her, but it is closing time for us now.  I need to go away and have time with God.

Mom and Henry have given me a car.  It is a 1989 Dodge Aires, something Henry used to drive.

I have five full days left here.  I am in the process of registering for my fall graduate classes. All of that will begin in about two months, and one of those months will be spent in Africa.

I’m yours God.

February 1, 1994 – Tuesday – 9:20 p.m.

Before I explain the weekend, I will explain the first day of February to you.

We had an assembly today, it was about Africa.  There was a display also.  Looking at it, I thought of Ryan.  She wanted to be a missionary in Africa.  Now, I wonder if that will happen.  No, I still believe in her.  I won’t join everyone else.

Sunday was a great day.  We did a skit that we had practiced on Saturday.  I directed it.  It was about abortion.  People were crying.  I was a crippled, aborted baby and everyone including Shar, Tenielle, and Jenna said I looked incredibly real.

I’ve received two letters from Jenna and Tenielle since the last one, but I’m not going to write them in here.  They’re too long.  Jenna and Tenielle weren’t at the evening service.  Their mom still hasn’t gotten the transmission fixed in their car.

Saturday was another one of those “best days of my life” days.  We had band practice then skit group.  Both were wonderful times.  Afterwards, Marcus and I went shopping and then to visit Veronica’s family.  While over there, we watched Toys.  A weird movie.

Veronica was leaning on me while we were watching it; like the way she used to back in the days when…well, you know.  We left around quarter to six because I had talked to Tenielle on the phone earlier in the day and asked them if they needed a ride to youth group.  They did, so we went to pick them up.  The conversations we had that day are like diamonds to me.  Jenna is an amazing girl.

That night, after we took them back home, we jumped on their trampoline.  We laughed so hard.  I didn’t leave their house until 11:30 p.m.  Jenna is so beautiful; there is a beauty about her that I’ve never seen before.  She is getting to know me too well, because now she can tell when the slightest thing is wrong with me.  She always wants me to tell her a story about something I’ve done.

I wrote her a letter today.  I haven’t given it to her yet.  At the bottom of it I wrote the following to end the letter.  I wonder if she will figure it out:

“abcdedghjklmnopqrstuivwxyz

If I had my way, this is the way the alphabet would be

But I don’t think the world will let me.”

October 23, 1993 – Saturday – 10:20 p.m.

We didn’t have skit group today.  We didn’t have singing practice either.  I stayed home all day.  A lot happened.  Too much to explain.  I’m happy right now.  Really happy.  So happy it’s scary.

Today I got up around nine o’clock.  I took a shower, moused my hair, and then watched some TV.  Jonathan called.  Everyone left to go wherever they went.

I was alone.

A whole Saturday.  A whole house.  All to myself.

What did I do?

Actually, I don’t really know.  I wrote a little while listening to The Phantom of the Opera.  I watched some more TV and then I prayed in the spirit for a while.  I played the Power of One soundtrack super loud and danced to the music in the kitchen.  I practiced my monologues for my college audition and tonight I watched four hours of TV in a row.  I haven’t done that in a long time.  I watched Star Trek: The Next Generation, Baywatch, and the movie Mermaids.  Mermaids was really good.

But you know what?  Things are going to be okay.  I got a letter from Emily yesterday and in it she wrote a poem for me:

Today I saw an eagle flying

Crying out to you and me

Wondering who is free

Asking who might be…

An eagle

Making his dreams come true

Fly, eagle, fly!

Though this world may have no hope

His dreams can keep him free

Like an eagle

Making his dreams come true

Be an eagle, Jacob

Be an eagle.

Everything is going to be fine.  My dreams will come true.  I will write.  I will make movies.  And I will find that right girl out there in the world.  Whether she lives in Florida, North Carolina, or somewhere else; I will find her.

I dare you to keep reading.  By the loving grace and blessings of God, my dreams will come true.