April 5, 1998 – Sunday – 7:30 p.m.

I now reside in a red chair in the last row of the waiting area for gate C36 at the Atlanta International Airport.  My 7:40 flight was cancelled, so I will not depart until 9:20 p.m.

My flight from Tampa to Atlanta was on the largest plane I’ve ever been on.  I sat one seat across from Rob, who was also at the leadership camp.  Carla, Curtis’ childhood friend who still lives in Atlanta, met up with the both of us and we had a nice little meal.  Rob went on to fly to Raleigh-Durham, and Carla and I just sat and talked about Curtis.  She eventually had to leave to go have dinner with her dad.

So, I am now in my solitude.

I tried to call Sarah from a pay phone, but she wasn’t in.

So, now I have adequate time to reflect.  The sun is setting directly to my left.  I am facing north.  Huge airplanes reside out the window, all preparing to take lovers to loved ones, or even lovers away from loved ones.

This place has grown empty.  Not too many people are around me now.

While still at the Tampa airport, I spent two hours talking with Joel and Carlee.  They were both at the camp as well.  Carlee had been on six mission trips and said the experience completely changes you.  That excited and scared me, for I simply don’t know what is to become of Sarah and I, so what if this summer really does change me?

I read an article in CCM about Margaret Becker.  She spoke of seeing life as a process, as a journey of the soul into the mystery of God.

She said, “The mystery of this love relationship, not the final destination, is the bottom line.”

The mystery is the point, the whole point.  At least I think that’s what she’s trying to say.

Another thing I learned from the article is that to be totally free is to not be burdened by tomorrow.

She also said, “I’m so tired of trying to define a love affair with words.  Our language is not up to the task.  So why are we even trying?  Let’s just talk about whatever glimpse of passion that each moment is, and let’s just hope to God that within that huge ocean, He’ll take a droplet out that makes sense to everybody…”

It’ll take me my whole life to drink that ocean, perhaps even to consume that droplet.

“God must have a great sense of humor.  He delights in contradictions.  The weak really are the strong.  The last shall be first.  The meek shall inherit the earth.  The list goes on and on.  One needs only to accept God’s absolute control to find absolute freedom.  To accept the poverty of our humanness is to enjoy the riches found therein.”

The sun has set, for only an orange haze remains at the horizon.

I’ve been selfish with my life.  See, I called it mine.  I’ve been selfish with His life.  Every step I have is because of Him.  Every joy of life is because of Him.

Sarah is because of Him.

Oh God, I want you and nothing else.

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