January 15, 1998 – Thursday – 10:00 a.m.

I’m sure this thing I have with Sarah isn’t going to last much longer.  Something has happened.  Deep down I think I know what it is, for eagles have eyes like telescopes.

She just never seems to want to be around me.  She says one thing, but her actions proclaim another.  She is rude and cold to me.

But what I don’t understand is that I feel like I’m actually doing everything right.  I’m putting her first, but even still…oh, I don’t know.

She called me last night and said she wanted to come and talk with me this morning.  So, I’m waiting.

The only thing I want is for her to be honest, honest with me and honest with herself.

. . .

She just called me.

She is coming over.

Help me God!

January 14, 1998 – Wednesday – 3:00 p.m.

I just got back from ice-skating on Beech Mountain.  It was something Sarah suggested I do with a new transfer student named Geana.  She is 22 and beautiful and we had a good time.  I had never ice-skated before, but I didn’t fall once!

This girl really seemed to open up to me.  She is a Christian and seems to have experienced a lot in her relatively short life.

My life is so weird.

But I missed Sarah the whole time.  I miss her still.

Give us time God.  Stop the clock for us.  Please.

 

January 13, 1998 – Tuesday – 1:01 p.m.

Earlier today while I was praying, and, for about a minute, I really missed my humble home in super small Mt. Vernon Springs.  It really surprised me.

Sarah and I talked over the phone last night at 3:00 in the morning.  I told her I felt I was a burden to her and I felt like she was just ignoring me, for I had spent time with her earlier but she hardly looked at me.  Although she loves me, I really don’t think she needs me.

But I remember asking God to teach me how to love and I think he is using Sarah to do so.  One thing for sure, God is definitely separating me from this place.

Abigail and Ann-Marie came back yesterday.  Abigail bought me my own copy of Hinds’ Feet on High Places.  I had to return Sarah’s copy to her.  I was so thankful to have my own copy.

Oh, Vince and Justin just came in to hang out.  I’m gonna chat with them!

 

January 12, 1998 – Monday – 1:00 p.m.

It has begun.  My final semester.  All of my close friends are back now, except for Curtis, Abigail, and Ann-Marie.

Charlie and Kate and I went to see Good Will Hunting.  It was amazing, but man I think it had more bad language than any movie I’d ever seen.  Yuck!

Church was nice on Sunday.  Crystal has decided to not go back to school in Asheville.  She is going to stay home and work.

Saturday night I called Sarah from Dan’s room and we had a nice conversation.  We just caught each other up on our week and all that has happened.

During a meeting on Sunday night, I met all the new freshmen for the semester.  Sarah came in around that time and it was so good to see her.  She gave me a letter, a beautiful, beautiful letter.

I think perhaps you, the reader, should read it:

Dear Jacob,

Hi. I want to share some things with you. Let’s start with the fact that I am really really happy right now. You know how different times in life have different feelings? Well, for now, I am happy and I feel like I am waiting. God has brought me here, but am I making a difference while I wait? I’m just trying to live from the Him that I feel burning inside me.

I’ve never been good at getting my feelings across in words or on paper; if I could I suppose I’d be striving to be a lawyer or an author, but God wants me to do something. I know this because he saved me so many times; in this we are alike. You feel your wings itch inside and I feel something as well.  I want to rejoice in my life and how it leads me to live. I can see your wings Jacob, I know it’s true! I think I have chosen the wolf as my animal because they see and hear everything. This is the gift that God has given me that both delights and scares me. I see and know things that others can’t and what many overlook. These are pretty deep thoughts, thoughts that I share with no one because I’m afraid they won’t get it.

I am a sinner. We all sin, that is the part of our legacy as humans. I wish it weren’t so, but even the best of us do.  Most of the time we do it without even thinking about it.  I know that some of the things I do are not what you would call good, but they are part of who I am, a part of my past, a part of my life. I dedicated my life to God long ago and I gave him all of me, even my weakness, along with my joy, fears, love, pain, and stress. My life is his. I learn everyday. I’m trying.

Part of what I’m trying to explain is that… well, I love you and I don’t want to scare you away from me. For the next few months I need to soak as much of you up as I can, so that no matter what happens you will make me a better person just by being you. You understand don’t you? I love you. As I said, I wasn’t planning on falling in love with you, but this unexpected love for you excites and scares me. Except for my family and the few friends I have at home, all of my other relationships with people seem to turn sour. Please don’t let me scare you away. I don’t know what will happen, but I do know that we must learn from each other. I have found true love in your heart. Unfurl your wings and fly away.  

I love you.

Forever.

Sarah

It’s hard to know what to write after reading that.  But God is doing something.  After reading her letter, everything around me became more beautiful.  As I walked across campus today and had great moments with Vince, Justin, Josh, Sherlive, everyone; I realized that all of us were on the Titanic, Sarah too.  There is an iceberg ahead and it’s sole purpose is to separate us from each other.

But although the thought made me want to cry, I became full of so much joy because I know God has given me Sarah for this short while to help bring me beyond the iceberg.

I can survive this storm if she is with me.  I told her as much when we had a few moments alone last night.

After saying goodnight, I went to see Vince.  He read to me a long poetic story he wrote after he saw Titanic.  It dealt with Laura.  Man, one movie is ripping all of us open.  He saw it over Christmas with his family and he said he couldn’t believe how his mom and stepfather reacted; they only talked about the special effects! But Vince said he was dying inside and wished I was there so he wouldn’t feel so alone.  He didn’t want to be alone last night, so he came over and slept on the floor here in my apartment.  He got up in the middle of the night and threw up in my bathroom.  He said it was over Laura.

It’s good to have Vince here to talk to.

This morning we went down to the Jehovah Petra, the cross we built on a huge bolder in the middle of the river, but the storm and flooding that happened over the break must have washed it away.  Our place to pray and worship was no where to be found.

Oh, these days; my mind seems to be overflowing.  Of all those things, number one is my Lord, number two is Sarah, number three are these wonderful friends.

It’s so hard to see Sarah when other people are around. I want so badly just to hold her and talk with her about things I barely tell myself.  It’s difficult to see her everyday because I love her so much.  I don’t know how to be a couple with her, I just know how to love her and give her my all.

Every day is an amazing new day.  Every new day is the best day ever.  Are these the best days of my life?  Am I living them now?  God is so true and alive and real.

I love others.

And that is the greatest of all gifts.

January 9, 1998 – Friday – 4:30 p.m.

Mom brought me back up to school on Thursday.

Wednesday night I called Sarah.  She was very mean to me, but she said she was kidding. Recently she just hasn’t been the Sarah I once knew.

I bought a rose for her and put it in her room today.  I’ve given our relationship to God.  I don’t know what happened, but I hope we get a chance to really talk soon.

I have a wonderful world up here.  Dan and his brother are here now.  The other come soon.  A great change is happening inside me.  My spirit and flesh war every day.  I try to keep the relationships around me growing and, at the same time, pursue an education and a career.

Overall though and more than anything, I just want to love and serve God.  I want to live this life to its fullest in God’s perfect plan and I do not want to sin.

Only four months are left.

Four.

Two of those four will be given to One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest and Next.  On stage anyway, I’ll end my Lees-McRae career with a death scene, a suicide to be exact.  Weird.

Man.

I do miss Sarah.

I miss touching her.

I just miss her.

And I miss Titanic.  I haven’t stopped listening to the soundtrack since I got it.  Hmmm.  You spend 3 1/2 hours in a theater, yet you feel as though you have lived a lifetime.  I pray I can do that for people.

But as for now I am alive, just like any person who ends up reading this.

And I always will be alive.

Forever.

January 7, 1998 – Wednesday – 4:20 p.m.

I finished reading Hinds’ Feet on High Places today; such an amazing book.  And last night, I returned to the same Bible study that Marcus and I went to on Friday night, only this time I went alone.

God manifested himself to me.  He spoke a word to me concerning that which has been heavy on my heart.  He told me to love those who would not love me back.  He said he had put me in a place to love and I should do only that.

For some reason, one I can’t explain, Sarah’s love doesn’t seem to be there as much as it once did.  Maybe it is my own thinking, but Sunday there was something in her eyes, something in her voice, and it just wasn’t real and true.

So, that word from the Lord was amazing!  My time is short and for these final hours at Lees-McRae, God needs me to love Sarah.  I do not know why.  I may never see the fruit of the constant seeds I will be planting, but I hope to selflessly give.

I see more and more how God uses other people to bring us to the place he has prepared for us.  We are not meant to go it alone.  He designed for us to be in relationship with those around us.  It is supposed to hurt, it is supposed to bless, it is supposed to comfort.

January 6, 1998 – Tuesday – 12:52 p.m.

Mom and I decided that we are going to leave on Friday since she needs to go clean the church Saturday morning.  So I have only two and a half days left here then four months at Lees-McRae.

Four months used to feel like a long time.

I’ve kind of been doubting how Sarah feels about me recently, but love is not about receiving.  It is about giving; giving until you are the lowest of the low.

We will see what the next four months hold for us, but no matter what I must keep getting closer to God.  No one must ever come before him.

This has been a pretty nice visit back to this ancient place.  By coming here and talking with many people and by listening to what others have said to me, I have come to the conclusion that there are not many others like me in the world.  This was kind of news to me, but I guess one easily assumes that everyone else sees the world like they do, but those both older and younger than me have told me that I think and see differently.

Maybe the reason they see this in me and feel the need to tell me is simply because I am not of this world.  Jesus says I am from a different kingdom.

It’s very difficult living this way, but also very easy for I truly do feel alive.  Thank you God for being who you are.

Since I’m going back to school a little earlier than I had planned, I will have some time alone.  But soon after, Cuckoo’s Nest rehearsals will be in full swing.  I’ll also be directing a one-act called Next by Terrence McNally.  I think Mason will be in it.

If I get the Teen-Mania position for the summer, I’ll have to raise money.  And I might have to find my way to Virginia Beach and Regent University this semester for some interviews.

I give it all to you God.

January 5, 1998 – Monday – 10:00 p.m.

She has brought me.

But the question is, will she let me bring her?

Love keeps no records of wrongs, so I will not go into detail.

I went to see her after church yesterday.  We hung out with her brother and her friends and I had a really nice time.  Her friends are so talented and so much fun.  They seem to have accepted me, I enjoy being around them, and one girl really liked me and said I was good for Sarah.  I wonder what Sarah thinks about that.  We went over to an older woman’s house and ate homemade pizza.  It was so yummy!  Two more of her friends showed up.  All of her friends are high school seniors.  Some are still 16-years-old.  They are so young, but they’ve grown up in the city and seem to know things I don’t know and really have no business knowing.

When Sarah and I finally had some time alone, I shared with her what happened Friday night at the Bible study.  I wanted to talk with her about our relationships with the Lord, but she was silent.

I am going to grow and I want Sarah to grow with me.  But I’m learning nevertheless, for love never fails.

January 3, 1998 – Saturday – 3:06 p.m.

Last night Marcus and I went to a Bible study with Mom and Henry where the group prayed for us and spoke words of encouragement to us.  Through them God told me not to be afraid of this world, which I honestly have been.  He said that he loves me, to not be sad, but to be filled with his love and joy.  He told me that he loves me and there was a place for me at his table.  I just needed to come and eat.  I don’t have to wait for an invitation for I am always welcome.  He said something is being birthed inside of me, something is growing, there is a pregnancy inside me and to stay close to him.  It will be revealed in time.

God touched me last night.

He held me.

He is doing an awesome work in my life and I have no reason to be afraid.

January 1, 1998 – Thursday – 8:45 p.m.

This is my third entry for the first day of 1998.  Marcus and I went to see Amistad this afternoon; a very good movie filled with wonderful moments.  I cried when they talked about my savior and described his life in the wonderful way they did.

So, about 1997.

I remember sleeping through the last night of 1996.  I spent the first evening of 1997 with Christy’s family playing cards.  I haven’t seen that family since Christi and Patti were burned back in May.  I remember the smell of Dawn during Children of A Lesser God.  I miss that show.  Of all I have performed at Lees-McRae, that is my favorite.  I remember touching Abigail’s face for the first time and kissing Jeni again and not really knowing why.  I remember my hundreds of hours spent with Dan, Allen, Vince, and Curtis.  They are the greatest guys ever created.  I remember my trip to Ft. Walton Beach, and when Emily lost a bit of her beauty in my eyes.  I remember the box office and Lindy’s funny stories.  I remember rooming with Dan and talking with Marisa.  I remember the orientations and meeting Sarah for the first time.  I remember my weekend trips in September, regaining Abigail’s friendship, and perfect days spent in Hilton Head.  I remember spending hours in The Misanthrope script.  I remember the beautiful girl who took the time to touch me.  I remember my Christmas tree and my love for Sarah growing.

A peaceful year.

So, I’ll begin this one now.

Nineteen Hundred Ninety-Eight.

I give it to you God!