You know what I want? You know what I wish for? I want to come home to a beautiful woman, and we will embrace each other after a long day’s work.
I’m sure those days will come, but it’s obvious to me that I’ll have to wait quite a while until that daily comfort arrives.
It is nearing the end of October. It’s very dark outside now. The stars are visible, but I am not. I am not really busy, but it feels that way. “Masks” opens in a week and a day. The Misanthrope rehearsals are somewhat difficult. I miss Mark, my director for Children of a Lesser God. He knew what he was doing, and I always felt confident in myself as an actor under him. I don’t feel that way now.
The story of my youth. Is it over? Was it interesting? Did I understand? Was I me? Was I beautiful? Did I love? Did others love me?
I guess all that matters is that somewhere along the past 21 years I learned of a Jesus who adores me. For that reason alone, life has been pretty good.
It’s been nearly five years since I began keeping these journals. Five years.
Sixteen to twenty-one.
I’m so glad God created laughter. Life is so much fun. I can honestly say I have fantastic friends. They are my salvation. God loves us through other people.
But still, despite all the bliss of love and laughter, I’m not sure I like living here. People can be weird. People can be harsh. And it hurts even more to know that I am one of those weird, harsh, and hurtful people. I don’t love people enough. I don’t smile enough. I am not nice enough. I seclude myself too much.
My mom says it’s simply a part of my heritage, that I, like her, receive my strength from being alone. How can I help a dying world if I’m alone all the time? How can I be a good Christian if I only hang around other Christians?
I don’t like this world. I don’t like me in this world. Yet I also love every day I am alive because here I get to practice my faith in, and my love for, my beautiful savior.
The truth is, despite all my plans, despite all my goals, and despite all my dreams, I don’t know what to do or where to go. So, I just stand right here, loving all the beauty around me, waiting for him to show me our tomorrow.