April 11, 1997 – Thursday – 1:30 p.m.

Yesterday, Abigail and I made small conversation at lunch.  We laughed and smiled, even cracked a few jokes on each other.   Nearly three weeks until she is gone.

Vince and I went to Boone after lunch and I bought some T-shirts and a CD.  We had a lot of fun.  The dance concert was last night and we went to Bible Study after that.

Dan, Allen, and I played F-Zero until 12:30 in the morning.  We do that a lot and laugh the whole time.  Vince now buys his clothes according to Laura’s favorite color.  Curtis has never been more likable and lovable.  He has grown and changed.  He has found himself and he’s moving on to share that understanding with others.

Jeni still cries over David.  Tracey and I will work together over the summer; Timothy and Ann-Marie will be here too.  Jessica is my favorite girl here.  We have so much fun together.  She is going to Colorado for the summer.

I think that Josh is the one that keeps us all alive however.  He’s so small in frame, yet so much in laughs.

I interviewed for the Assistant Resident Director position for next year, and I’m currently planning a water gun assassination game.  It starts Monday.

 

April 9, 1997 – Wednesday – 11:30 p.m.

Yesterday was a wonderful day.  I was on a wonderful Jesus high.  Then at dinner, I sat with Jeni and Abigail.  A lot of time went by with just me talking and Jeni saying a few things.  Then I asked Abigail why she was so quiet.

She stared at me intently for a few silent seconds, and then she said, “Do you really care, Jacob?”

“Yes,” I said in a very simple tone.

And with such a mean and devilish look, she asked, “Why?”

She stared at me.  I stared at her.  Then she went to get dessert and I stood up and walked slowly back to my room.  My wonderful day came to a screeching halt thanks to Abigail’s six words.

So, I gave her a call and said, “What was that?”  A long conversation followed and we spilled our hearts and thoughts.  She is one confused and confusing girl.  I am so thankful that I learned this about her.  I like her way less now and can’t believe I ever dreamed so endlessly about her.

She thought all my “God talk” and Bible studies were just to get close to her and get on her good side.  She sees so much with worldly eyes.  I thought she was more mature in her faith.  It hurt that she would assume I’d play such petty games.  So, we’ll see how this will close before she leaves near the end of the month.

Everything else is slightly short of perfect.

I love you Lord!

April 8, 1997 – Tuesday – 9:05 a.m.

I am wonderful.

I am beautiful.

I have no idea what happened yesterday, or what will happen tomorrow.  I simply know that I am alive and loved.  I have become that which I’ve always dreamed of becoming.

Birds are singing my name.

Clouds are forming my initials.

No one sees me but Jesus and a handful of earth-grown flowers.

I have everything I will ever need.  I am content.  I know nothing except the love of God.  All else is confusing.  All else will fade away.

There is only one constant, only one absolute:  I am loved by a perfect God, and I will spend my whole life loving him back.

April 5, 1997 – Saturday – 6:40 p.m.

It’s April 5th already.  Vince has been at the beach all week with Laura and her family.  Josh and Timothy are in Charlotte on a costuming field trip.  And I am not on duty.  It’s been a pleasant day.  My windows are wide open and the spring wind is blowing in.

Last night I hiked with Jessica and Todd for six miles to see a beautiful view of Boone.  It grew dark and cold, but Jessica and I had so much fun just talking and laughing.  She is so cool to be around.

Jeni, Tracey, Ann-Marie, and Abigail don’t talk or spend as much time with me as they used to.  I don’t know what it is.  I try to talk, I don’t believe I’ve done anything.  They just don’t respond like they used to.  It’s like there is a fog in their eyes when they are with me, like they’d rather be somewhere else.

Why do we hurt each other?  What is so hard about waltzing in the flowers?  Or even the grass?

We are the earth’s flowers, yet we choke each other at the roots.

I am a dandelion, waiting for God to blow my spirit away.

I don’t think I belong here.  It’s hard to grow in this pavement.  Loving eyes quickly turn to daggers of hatred.

People are changing.  I only long to grow in Jesus.  Am I still the same?  I think I am.

I would rather grow alone in an open field with my God, than to try to grow with others in their pavement.  But I still long for them to water my soul.  And I want to care for them as well.

When will we be free God?

April 3, 1997 – Thursday – 4:15 p.m.

A wonderful day.

Last night I went with Curtis and his girlfriend Ryan to Boone and Blowing Rock.  We drove around and ate out.  It was a beautiful evening.  The stars were amazing.

I ate breakfast with Jessica this morning, did some homework, went to class, exercised, and chatted on the Rebecca St. James chatline.

On the chatline, I talked with a lot about praying int he spirit.  One girl named Rejoice basically praised me for my relationship with God.  She was Australian and she was so encouraging.  It felt like I was talking to Rebecca St. James herself.  That chatline has blessed me so much.  Thank you God.

Things are going really well.  The Lord is making me holy.  I hunger for his righteousness.

You are holy Lord.

Oh so holy.

Your word stands forever.

It’s changing me forever.

April 2, 1997 – Wednesday – 6:54 p.m.

It’s been a couple of days.  We came back on Monday.  Jeni and Tracey probably said five words to me on the drive home.  That night I called up Jeni and told her that I didn’t like how close we had gotten.  I told her I didn’t appreciate her saying she loved David while holding my hand as we walked.  Her reaction was hard to read.

Abigail hasn’t spoken to me either since we returned.

Such is life I guess.

You get addicted to someone, care about them more than anything, and then you have to force yourself to back away.  It’s happened before, so I’ll be fine.  I’ve spent a lot of time with the Lord recently.  He is taking care of everything.

Over the Rebecca St. James chatline, I met a guy named MovieMark.  We are exactly alike.  We have the same taste in movies and both love the Lord.  I’ve found comfort in his friendship.

Oh man.  I came to school to learn, but I never thought I would learn this much.

March 30, 1997 – Sunday – 10:25 p.m.

It’s been a slow day.  Church at Hickory Free Will Baptist, lunch with Tracey and her 20 other family members, a long nap, and an even longer walk.

My walk was nice.  I went into the open plains behind Tracey’s house.  It was very flat, but very beautiful.  Geese were all around.  The sun was setting and I was perfectly happy in my solitude.  I thought a lot while I was walking.  Jeni tries to control me.  She tells me what to do, what to wear, how to act.  She tries to be my mother.  I can’t stand it.  She really annoyed me today.  She kept coming up to me and putting her arms around me.  I wish she would leave me alone.  She’s been making me feel really uncomfortable.  I feel bad for kissing her the other night.

This evening, I just rested because my stomach was bothering me.  I listened to music in Tracey’s room.  I listened to Michael W. Smith’s “Emily.”  While listening to it, I pulled Emily’s picture out of my wallet and looked at it.  Jeni barged into the room and saw me looking at Emily’s picture.  She got a weird look on her face and left.

Jeni is wonderful, but not for me and I find comfort in her graduating.

Please send her on her way Lord, and take care of her.