February 11, 1997 – Tuesday – 10:00 a.m.

After my wonderful rehearsal last night I went to Cannon Cottage to visit Jeni, Tracey, and Ann-Marie.  I was in a good mood and had a huge smile on my face.  They thought this smile meant I knew something about a guy one of them liked and they tried the whole night to wriggle it out of me.  But I knew nothing about a guy that might like one of them. And rather than them seeing joy on my face, they took that smile and made it about themselves.  They didn’t see me.  They only wondered how I might serve them.

Then they began to talk about me and why I am alone romantically.  Tracey said it was because I am not mysterious enough.  I give everything out in the beginning and that I’m so friendly and understanding and such a great listener, that the girl has nothing else to explore, or strive for, or fix in me.

I knew this already, but the words from someone else, stating that my honesty and strong character were also a weakness, caused me to grow very silent.  I was happy, yet hurting.

Sure, I am honest.  These girls think they know me, and they do, but only to the extent that I allow them.  They know who I am to them because I manage how they perceive me, but they don’t really know me.  And I doubt they’ve ever really tried.

My honesty frightens them.  My love frightens them.  They are simply too insecure in themselves to see how honesty and selfless love can serve them in a relationship.  They would rather play mindless games, gossip about who likes who, strive for mysterious first kisses from total strangers, and get a chill down their spine than learn more truth about my spirit or what I think about when I’m alone.  They never asked me why I was smiling; they only wondered what I might know about them that they didn’t already know.

These girls think they know what they want, but they can’t even see what they really need.

They think they know me, but they have no idea how hard it is to be me.  To have a heart like mine, to have the responsibility of being the one guy who’s trying to do things the right way and to pursue honesty and truth.

But since we are being honest, let’s get really honest.  Tracey’s statement that my honesty is unattractive and scary has more to do with the fact that her boyfriend slept around on her than it has to do with me.  She’s really making excuses for herself in an effort to some how live with her pain.  Girls always take it out on me when total jerks treat them like crap; like it’s my fault that my personality and character traits are in me and not in the guy they picked.

Oh God, I feel more alone now than ever.

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