August 17, 1996 – Saturday – 6:50 p.m.

New students arrived today.  Some anyway.  Beautiful faces.  Longing souls.

I was one of them.

Brand new.

Who are they?

Who am I?

Sharon invited me over this morning.  She baked me a pie and ordered Braveheart for me since it will soon be available to own on VHS; the greatest gift.

The evening is here.

I am 20 years old and alone.

Things are changing, but my room looks exactly the same as last year.

A thought passed my mind today while I was over at Sharon’s and it hasn’t left my mind.  What if, when I graduated from LMC, perhaps I was given a job, say in the Admissions office full time, and made enough to survive and be happy and make a good living, and was also given the opportunity to live at the Snowflake Inn on Sharon and Bob’s property, and be near to that family and slowly grow closer to Laura and become her lover forever and live so happily always next to that family and Heaton Christian Church,… would I take it?  Would I live that life, never having the opportunity to do theater, or to be a filmmaker and worship the Lord and minister to others through my art…would I?  Could I?

It’s raining now.  Millions of drops of nourishment pounding its way through the grass, into the ground, giving it life and meaning and purpose.

Giving it purpose.  Giving it meaning.

A destiny…of helping other flowers to grow.

Although I truly hate to say it.  The answer is no.  I wouldn’t be able to.  I don’t think I’ve ever loved anything deeper than I now love this land and it’s people, but there is a deeper fire within me; calling me elsewhere.

But in the meantime…I am here.  Oh God, and I’m afraid to admit that I know why.

But why me?

I am nothing.

. . .

When my appointment comes near,

The ticking clock should I fear,

Or loved ones left behind.

When the time comes near,

Whose voice will I hear,

Speaking of love so kind.

When life can no longer live,

And death longs to give

Its entrance to fulfilling eternity,

What words did I not say?

What debts did I not pay?

Whose lives did I not kiss?

Oh dear God, Oh dear God!

There is a world that needs to be saved.

No matter what it takes, use me.

Use me, for all of my days.

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