May 11, 1996 – Saturday – 8:30 p.m.

You!  Get up, go look out your window.

Is it still there?  The grass, the trees, the buildings, the sky, the moon?

It is, isn’t it.

So, you’re still there too.

Are you happy?

Are you warm?

I’ve probably seen you, or even know you, or even held you.

Count the days.  Seven is the secret that will never be told.

Half moon here now.  Calendar says full beginning of June.  Not surprised.  Makes sense.

Where does your love go to?

Were you ever wrong?

I wonder.

Even at night, it can cast shadows using us.

Or we cast our own shadows using ourselves.


Full of what?

What if not one, but I don’t want to waste the gift.

Stars are bright.

That tickles.

It’s falling down on me.

Change!  Change!  Change!

We were perfect when we started.

Do you long to be free?

There is a burden inside you sleeping deep within your skin.

To dance over the moonlight, to run towards the sun.

But I have appointments to keep.

I can make it easier though.

Did you count from red?

The secret will never be told cause it’s already known.

The key to life, the secret of the shadowlands…

It’s so obvious…

I pity you world!

Why are you so miserable?

May 9, 1996 – Thursday – 11:20 p.m.

Last night I went to Abundant Life Christian Center.  Not many people were there, but Cheryl was.  She looked good.  We had fun.  As I left that ancient place, I almost cried.  Everything I knew and loved about that place had died long ago.

I began to think about Heaton Christian Church and Sharon.  I tried to talk to mom, but she just couldn’t understand where I was coming from.  Sharon always understands me.  There are times when I see her more as a mother than my own mom.

Is that bad?

How I long to return.  Twenty-two more days.

Tonight, Mike and Kevin and I went to Greensboro and watched The Truth About Cats and Dogs.  It had a good message.

Since my brother has done so badly in school, my parents are not going to pay for his tuition or room and board next year.  He has gotten himself into a rut and can’t get out.

Kevin comes to me for help, but I don’t know how to help him.  College comes easy to me.  What have I done to receive such a blessing?  Why is my life to much easier and more enjoyable?  My brother has longed to see the Arizona sky, he was born there but has no memory of it.  Yet, I go with no problem whatsoever.

We both came from the same broken household, but God’s given me a new family, a new land, a new church.

I have a place where I belong.

And I’ve come to believe that is the greatest thing any living person can ever hope to have.

May 7, 1996 – Tuesday – 8:35 p.m.

Yesterday evening I rented two movies: Babe and The Cure.  Both were great.  I showered myself with tears during The Cure.

Mike and Marcus came over last night.  We played a quick game of Monopoly.

I find it so amazing how fast time passes.  A year ago tonight, I was being amazed by how much beautiful Syndi longed to be close to me.

McDonald’s was rather rough today.  Not many workers showed up.  I did it all alone with no help.  A lot of new people are there and a lot of old people are gone.

I’ll be home in 24 days.

May 6, 1996 – Monday – 2:30 p.m.

Marcus was here at the house when mom and I arrived yesterday.  On the way back we drove through a huge thunderstorm.  Lightning was everywhere.

Marcus and I talked a lot.  We got caught up.  He’s going well now.  But it hasn’t always been that way.  Things are hard for him.

I went for a walk this morning.  Then I washed clothes, watched a movie on TV, lifted weights, and talked to Kevin on the phone.  He will be here on Wednesday.

Everything is green here.  It is so much warmer.  It’s so hard to believe that I spent three months here last summer.

But this summer, I am only here for 26 days.

May 5, 1996 – Sunday – 5:00 p.m.

I leave this place for one month in exactly one hour.

Graduation was great; I sat next to Laura.  Dan and I ate at their house for lunch beforehand.  Charlie received the H.C. Evans Fidelity Award; the highest honor.  He is such a great man.

I finished a roll of film today.  I’m looking forward to getting developed.

In a day or so I shall sum up the past school year as I did last year.  I enjoyed this year so much better than my first year.

It’s hard to know what to write during times such as these.

I’m in the dorm.  It is empty.

I am the only one here.

I wait for my mother.

I wait to leave.

I wait to return.

May 4, 1996 – Saturday – 11:45 p.m.

I’m sorry.  I know I’m only supposed to list two great nights or moments from the past semester, but I simply have too many.

Going in chronological order, the first was when Murrell and I went skiing.  It was different, cold, peaceful, and I flew.

Second, when I got sick at Sharon’s house and spent the night there.  Such a peaceful sleep and such a wonderful mom to take care of me.

Third, when I was down in Atlanta with Curtis and Carla and Chili, the dog.  A night of unique conversation and one crazed puppy.

Fourth, would be every day and evening I spent in Arizona.  All were unique.  A beautiful land.  A great escape.

Fifth was definitely Carowinds with Vince.  The concerts were awesome and the day was hilarious.

And finally, the drive to Boone and back with Laura.  It was special beyond my ability to describe it.

I have begun to pack.  My room is looking bare.

Both hands of my clock are reaching up to heaven.  It has become the fifth day of May.

The moon is still full.  It is gazing at me through my open window.  The wind is brushing through and tickling the hairs on my legs.

Sharon called me this morning.  We might eat lunch over there tomorrow.  They plan on coming to graduation.

I found myself thinking of Laura today.  But it was different.  I want to show her Jesus.  To me, it seems that she sees Him as the reason she goes to church and the reason she is a good little girl.  But I want to let her know how personal and intimate he can be.

It’s hard to read into her, if that is even possible.  But I long to spend more time with her this summer.  She is adorable.  She is beautiful.  She is my friend.  And I am hers.

But I long to know her, to trust her, to have her trust me.

And perhaps, in the long run, I long to hold her.

May 3, 1996 – Friday – 4:15 p.m.

Harvest Moon Over the Blue Ridge (Bob Peterson)

Last night, Charlie, Kate, Dan, Allen, Vince, and myself went to see Molly in Cinderella at Avery High School.  It was really terrible, but I had to support Molly.  Afterwards we went to Sandee’s, then drove up the parkway and went hiking around the same area that Dan and Allen and I did around the beginning of the year.  We stayed out until two in the morning.

I have two days left.

I’m looking forward to leaving, just so I can return to the most perfect corner of the planet.

May 2, 1996 – Thursday – 9:00 a.m.

The dream I dreamed during the midnight hours of the 20th and 21st of April came true yesterday.  After I picked up trash for three hours (community service) I checked a few people out of their rooms and then Laura came and picked me up at 3:30 p.m.  We had a nice drive to Boone.  While we were in the waiting room, we both watched the most adorable little girl play.  We went to the bank, drove around, and then went back to her house.  Then we went to church after we ate something and after church myself, Vince, Curtis, Dan, Allen, and Ellen went over there for a fellowship time before the summer comes.  We had a lot of fun.

I spent half of yesterday with Laura.  I woke up this morning thinking I had been dreaming.  But it was true this time.  The key ring I bought her was on her keys.  And that evening at church as we were waiting for everyone, I asked her the question I have been wanting to ask her for a long time.  I said this:  “Laura, when you’re lying on your bed at night, staring out your window, what do you think about?”

And for the first time, I saw her face actually show an expression of thought and she wisely said, “When is it going to change?”

Oh, she has so much to learn.

After we left, Curtis stopped the car on the side of their long driveway so we could all take a leak on the hill side covered in Christmas trees.  Curtis and Ellen stayed in the car.  I and all the others hid in the trees; the moon was full.  We all ran around the hillside, simply being free.  Curtis drove around and then came back to get us.  Then he drove up and turned around in the paved area near the house and I saw Laura’s window.  The same one she looks out of at night.

We drove back down.

I looked at the moon.

I looked at the hillsides.

“I will walk along these hillsides in the summer ‘neath the sunshine, I am feathered by the moonlight, falling down on me.

I will walk along these hillsides in the summer ‘neath the sunshine, I am feathered by the moonlight, falling down on me.”

I am feathered by the moonlight.

I awoke at 8:00 a.m. this morning and checked Jeff out of the dorm.  He is not returning next year.  I watched him drive down the hill.  I am glad I was here to see him come and go.  Charlie and I went to breakfast.  He stayed up all night just to write a paper.  We had a good time and laughed a lot.

Charlie was here to see me come.  I am here to see him go.

Step back.

See it all from a distance.

All of it.

We are feathered by the moonlight.

April 30, 1996 – Tuesday – 10:20 p.m.

This morning I took my Stage Management Exam and did fairly well.  There were tons of final juries that I videotaped this afternoon.  After dinner I came back here to my room and I called Sharon, but Laura answered.  I recognized her voice.  I have an appointment in Boone at 3:45 p.m. tomorrow.  Sharon is busy so Laura is going to take me.  Truthfully, I’m really excited.

It’s April 30th again.

Charlie has been offered a full time position at Heaton Christian Church as well as a Christian Church near the coast.  He hasn’t decided.

Be with him Lord.

Be with us all.