May 15, 1996 – Wednesday – 4:00 p.m.

After I wrote in my journal on Monday, I checked the mail.  In the mailbox, I found a huge brown 8×10 envelope address to me from a person I thought I forgot.  In it, I found two letters, some cut out magazine pictures, and some candy.

One letter was written to me from her.  The other was a collection of words reaching toward a point that I haven’t completely grasped.

She wrote:

“I am the innocence discussed with the laughter of night.

Simply me.

A chance of a lifetime and to almighty God I pray.  Soul of a thousand heartaches.  New in my confidence.  Endless nights to shine.  Alone in my own world of intrigue, the spotlight is on me–maybe only to myself.  Breathing a miracle of desire.

Daring to dare.

Beauitful, beautiful, beautiful me, lost in vanity, and happy.

Confinement.  Reaching for the magical starlit sky.  Each point of light represents a new reason to pray.

Wisdom turns the hand of time as ashes of past lovers blow away like an impatient mistake I read about alone while I create my confinement.

While in confinement.

Speaking of me, I am vain.  Perhaps insecure, so I write words.

A time bomb.

Ticking, ticking, ticking.

Let me set you.

Nevertheless, I dream of hope.

Cry a little less often.

Dying.

Word of a thousand languages.

Away, I am a child.

Buried in a mess, a hole.  Clock passing slowly away.

I want to sleep alone with my fears and toss and turn and dream of you (whoever you are) and sing and sing and sing with the memory.

Teach me to love, for I cannot love alone.  Love alone.  Love alone.  Love alone.

Will I suffer?  Beautiful me?  You!  Only you can scream.  Digging.  Raging.”

Perhaps like me, Emily thinks too much.

Her other letter was a normal letter:

“Guess it’s been too long.  I’ve tried to call and each time I would leave a message to a voice I didn’t recognize.  

How are you?  I feel so far away from you right now.  Don’t you miss me?

My life is really going well.  I feel like a princess because I am spoiled rotten by my friends.  Having a great time, best times of my life they say, but somehow I know it’s going to get better.  

Nothing has changed much for me.  My parents are finally divorced.  My mom and I won the lake house so we are finally going to finish it.  I am excited.  The completion of that house will close a chapter in my life.  Then I will set to leave and seek my own life.  

College.

You are so lucky.  I know sometimes you wish to get back to high school and see your friends again.  That will be my only loss.  Well, I hope this letter finds you well, I also hope to hear from you soon.

Your Angel.”

I have a feeling that Emily is going to stay with me forever.  Whether on paper, in my arms, or in my mind, she will always be here.

Last night I went to see Jenna and Tenielle.  We spent some time fishing in a nearby pond.  The sun was setting, crickets chirping, it was very peaceful.  They are growing up.  Jenna cut her hair.  She is beautiful.

Andrea comes into McDonald’s a lot.  We smile at each other and say hello.

Kenny came over on Monday night and we watched Braveheart last night.  He was amazed by it.

My dad just brought Kevin back home.  He’s doing well.  They bought a $1900 computer.  Crazy.

Since Kevin’s grades were bad, mom has decided not to pay for his schooling.  So he’s going to live here and drive back and forth part time.  I got a letter from Lees-McRae saying that the Performing Arts Department is giving me a $3,100 scholarship.

My freshman year they gave me $750.  Sophomore was $1,475.  Now it’s $3,100!

It almost doubles each year.

Thank you Lord for blessing my life.

I love you so much.

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