January 14, 1996 – Sunday – 11:58 p.m.

Saturday was fun.  A whole crowd of us went to Boone to see a movie and then hung out in Charlie’s room afterwards.  At church today everyone loved my haircut.  After church tonight we went to Peggy’s.  Everyone sat at the big table, and they ran out of room, so I sat with Caroline, Meredith, and little Megan and their parents, which was great.  We had a good conversation.  Meredith hung around after her family left, just so I didn’t have to sit alone.  We had a good talk.

Whenever we got back, we watched First Knight.  I didn’t really like it.

It has been a good weekend.

We have tomorrow off for Martin Luther King Jr. holiday.

One Act auditions are tomorrow night.  Lord, give me the part you want me to play.

And now the first month of 1996 is already half over.

January 13, 1996 – Saturday – 1:36 a.m.

Well…things are good.

My classes seem pretty hard yet fun for this semester.  My accounting class seems different.  Lisa was in it, but she dropped it.  She said the only reason she would have stayed in it was for me.

Thursday night, Charlie, Allen, and Vince and I stayed up until 3:00 a.m. just talking in my room.

We laughed so hard; we were talking about the strangest things.

Today my Speech and Acting II classes met.  Charlie and Kate and I have Speech together.  It should be fun.

This evening we rented Clueless.  I love that movie.  Afterwards we played basketball in the old gym.

There is more snow outside my window than I have ever seen in my whole life.

I can’t wait to go to church.

I can’t wait to wake up tomorrow.

Simply another day of pure joy.

 

January 11, 1996 – Thursday – 10:30 a.m.

BannerElkWinterLakeScene2

I’m finally home.  I’m already bogged down with work and it’s great!  Everyone else is here.  I stayed up until 3:00 a.m. just talking with everyone.  I couldn’t be happier.

I got a letter from Emily.  She seems down.

There is over two feet of snow everywhere.  The whole world seems white and pure and innocent.  My soul feels the same.

 

January 8, 1996 – Monday – 11:26 p.m.

I haven’t been me, I haven’t been a red light.  But tonight I talked with my mother.  We talked about the past.  We talked for house.  And I saw this place for what it really was:  a mere second from the short moment of my life.

A crossroad.

It has value and meaning.  Forgive me for hating it.

A girl named Cindy has been snowed in here for the past few days.  She went with Kevin to the retreat.  She left today.  Another name to add.

God took my world apart so that I could see who Jesus really is.  And I see now that Jesus is the giver of so many simple things.  How I long for my old room, the view from my window, cafeteria food, friends, homework, grade-point averages.  He is the giver of it all.  He can take it away any time he wants and he can also give it back.

It has been decided that I will leave on Wednesday the 10th.

I can’t wait!!!

January 8, 1996 – Monday – 1:30 p.m.

This has been called the Blizzard of ’96.  As far as I know, everything from South Carolina to New York and above is covered with several feet of snow and ice.  I’m still stuck here in Siler City.  I called Charlie this morning.  He said that it hasn’t stopped snowing and that two feet of snow now covers Banner Elk.  We had a fun talk.  He said Dan was there and he went skiing.

I hope to either return tomorrow or Wednesday.  Everything has been pushed back a day.  Registration is Wednesday and classes begin Thursday.

I’ve been really weird this past couple of days.  Kevin is back and he has helped some.  But I want to go to school so bad.  I can’t be me here.  Mom and Henry seem like they try their absolute hardest to try and get on my nerves.  I know I’m thankful that I at least have a roof over my head during this storm, but this has been so hard for me.  I even feel farther away from the Lord when I’m here.

I’m reminded of my prayer from earlier in the semester:  “Take my world apart.”  Well, it seems as if this winter storm was the answer.  My world is no longer to be found.  I thought that if I had no world, then the only thing I could see would be Jesus.  But now all I dream about is my home in Banner Elk and my Jesus there.  I guess I was wrong.  But this has shown me that in order for me to see Jesus for who he really is, I need to live in love.  The love I know is not in this house.  It is in Banner Elk.

Take me home, Lord.

Take me now.

Forgive me.

I’ve learned my lesson.

Please don’t ever bring me back here again.

I love you Father!

January 6, 1996 – Saturday – 6:45 p.m.

Something has happened.  I’m not in Banner Elk.

Friday afternoon Mike and I went to Greensboro; we saw the four o’clock showing of 12 Monkeys.  I liked it, simply because I haven’t seen a decent sic-fi movie in a while.  Brad Pitt was hilarious!

We went to the mall afterwards and I found two of Javan’s poetry books.  I bought them instantly.  Emily has those books and I read them one morning all straight in a row.

I have had a cold these past few days and I began to get a bad head ache, so Mike and I left.  I eagerly went to sleep, knowing that tomorrow would come, I would go home, and everything would be great.  I set the alarm for 6:30 a.m. and Henry and I were on the road by 7:30 a.m.

We drove and drove, but then it began to snow.  We kept going, but it kept snowing.  When were only 20 miles down the mountain from Boone, the car began skidding and Henry couldn’t make it up the mountain.

So, here I am.  Back in this house full of old farts that can’t understand me.  On the way back Henry got an attitude and scientifically explained the angular diffusion of snowfall to me.  I kept my mouth shut because I knew if I didn’t say anything he would eventually shut up.  I pretended I was asleep the whole way back.

I walked in the door and figured my own biological mother would understand how hurt I was, but she just freaks out and says I’m being selfish.  If wanting to simply go home is selfish, then I guess I’m selfish.  Then she gets on that marriage/wife thing again and thinks because I’m upset with today’s circumstances it must mean I will one day divorce my wife.

I don’t even have a freaking girlfriend!

She left the room and I began to cry.  Everyone has done this to me my whole life.  They see me as the perfect little Jacob who never sins, who has never had a bad thought in his life.  He’s an angel.  No, Jacob can’t be human and express basic human emotions, he’s perfect, he can’t let his own mother know how he actually feels in hopes to feel understood, because that’s the worst sin in human history!!

I make mistakes, I get angry, I get impatient, can’t people understand that.

I asked my mom, “why do you and everybody else have to make me out to be perfect?”

She said in a soft voice, “Oh, Jacob, it’s because you almost are.”

Tears ran from my eyes.  I had to go home that instant, so I ran upstairs and called the only soul who could make me feel at home.

And Tenielle did that.  She listened to me and made me laugh.  She understood where I was coming from and because I was hurting, I sensed that she felt the pain as well.

I talked to Tenielle today, so I guess it wasn’t a total failure.

It’s not Siler City that I don’t like; it’s the people I have to live with.  I told Tenielle that it’s really not fair to her that I only come to this area when I’m forced to.  It’s not fair to me either.  I want to see my friend and my brothers, I just can’t stand living with Henry and Mom.

Kevin’s convention in Knoxville, TN got cancelled early because of the winter storm and they got stuck in Greensboro on the way back.  They are staying the night in a hotel.

After talking to Tenielle, I came downstairs and read my two Javan books.  I found a poem that made me think of Tenielle.

In many cases

Love that blooms quickly

Like Spring’s flowers

Knows its season

And then fades

 

But love that grows slowly

Like the tree

Gets stronger and stronger

As the years go by

 

And yet this world

Has a certain need

For both the flower

And the tree

 

There have been many flowers that have bloomed throughout my life so far.  Some more beautiful than others.  Tenielle used to be a flower, but she is growing and changing.  Now she resembles a tree.

 

January 4, 1996 – Thursday – 11:25 a.m.

The new year has begun well, unlike the last year.  New Year’s Eve was spent at Abundant Life with Jenna and Tenielle.  We praised the Lord together, sang a lot of wonderful songs, and laughed.  When it was all over, I drove home alone, but first I stopped by Christi’s house.  I knew she was having a party.  It was about 30 minutes into the new year.  There were a lot of people I didn’t know there, so I didn’t stay long.  I just told Christi that I wanted to stop by in case I didn’t see her before she left for college.

I was going to go back to school on the 3rd, yesterday, but I called the courthouse and discovered that what Michael told was wrong and I don’t need to be there until the 2nd of February.  Therefore, I’m not going back until Saturday the 6th.

So, yesterday evening, I got in my mother’s car and spent some time with two of the greatest people ever created.  Jenna and Tenielle and myself drove around Sanford, having the greatest time.  We had to cash a check for their mom, then we went to Walmart and dropped off my film so it could be developed within an hour.  Then we went to Food Lion and bought some things for their mom.

While the film was being developed, we went to Buchanan Park; the park near where Veronica used to live.  I had both my journal and my camera with me.  Tenielle wanted me to let her read something, so I let her read November 22, 1995.  They hadn’t seen While You Were Sleeping, and they wanted to rent it.

So, after we took some pictures in the old forest near there that wasn’t there anymore because it had all been chopped down for wood, we went to get my pictures, rent the movie, and grab a snack before heading home.

They enjoyed the movie; their mom even liked it.  Tenielle leaned on my shoulder as we watched and then she would look at me and laugh whenever something funny happened.

I wonder if what I want to find in Laura or some other girl is what I already have in Tenielle.  We have nothing to hide from each other.  We laugh together all the time.  A simple beautiful 14-year-old who knows only that I adore her and see her as one of my best-friends.  When I’m around her, I don’t have a care in the world.  What will become of her and I?

My pictures turned out nice.  I have a nice one of Allen, Vince, and Dan in front of Heaton Christian Church.  And I have a great one of Charlie and Kate, which reminds me, Charlie is graduating after this coming semester.  I owe him my life.  He helped me find my place at Heaton and Lees-McRae.  I appreciate him now, but I know I will appreciate him 100 times more after he is gone.

On the other hand, Kate is a Sophomore just like me, and if she’s around for two more years, then I guess that means Charlie will be close by.

And the picture of the Christmas Play made me miss those kids so much.  I can’t wait to get back home!