December 19, 1995 – Tuesday – 12:05 p.m.

I’m not home.

I’m in Siler City.

Mom and Henry enjoyed the show.  I didn’t want to leave, but I had to.

I arrived here late Sunday night.  Marcus and Kevin were here.  We stayed up late and talked a lot.  They are okay.  Mike came over Monday; we played cards.  He grew a goatee.  It looks good.  There was a Total Man Forum meeting last night.  Kevin and Marcus and I went to it.  It was nice.  Afterward, I went by to visit with Jason and Christi and the rest of their family.  We played some games.  Every one of the siblings is seeing someone.  Even Christi.  Some guy named Adam.  I stayed maybe 30 minutes and then I left.

On the way home I took Cotton Rd.  That is where Ryan used to live.  It’s been a long time.  On the way home, I also drove by my old high school and elementary school.

Things have not changed here at the house.  Now that Kevin and I are gone, Mom and Henry only heat two rooms in the house, the rest of the house is colder than Banner Elk has ever gotten.  So, Kevin and I sleep in the living room.  Henry complains that we make the living room a mess, yet he will not heat the rest of the house.  It’s the same old story.

In answer to the question I posed earlier:  I do not believe Laura dreams of me.  And I wouldn’t know what to do if  she did.  She was at both services Sunday, but she did not say a word to me.  Melissa, however, seems to say “thank you” every time she says “hello.”

I miss Lees-McRae and Heaton already.

I miss the confidence I found in Emily.

It’s hard to know what is true.  I love this place, but at the same time I can’t stand it.

Who am I?

Where is she?

Sometimes I feel like a motherless child; a long, long way from my home.

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