November 22, 1995 – Wednesday – 4:40 p.m.

I’m in Lanexa, Virginia.  My ride here was very difficult spiritually.  The guys were listening to an Adam Sandler CD.  It was very sick.

Yesterday I got a letter from my mom in the mail.  She had put a brochure from Taylor University in there and there was a picture of Jason on it.  I was so happy and excited!  He was surrounded by so many different people.  He looked so happy!

When I arrived here I looked in the area’s newspaper and discovered that The Phantom of the Opera was playing in Norfolk starting tomorrow.  I called up the ticket place and reserved a ticket for myself on the front row of the orchestra for Friday night.

It cost me $71.50.  I put it on my credit card.  I must be crazy, I really don’t have the money, but I felt like doing something crazy.

I’m going alone.

Alone.

Which is exactly how I feel.

I rented While You Were Sleeping today.  It made me cry.  Tears ran down my face.  They were warm.

I remember how Jenna and Tenielle always used to ask me when the last time I cried was.  I thought of that the other day and then realized I couldn’t remember the last time I cried.

Now I know.

Like Lucy, I too feel alone.  I don’t have anybody.  I thought of Laura.  I thought of her eyes and her smile.  I thought of the words “I love you” and how I wish I could say them to someone and truly mean it.

I’ve often wondered if I ever really loved Veronica, Jeni, Emily or anybody. In my Book of Days it says that I did, but in my mind, my memory, my heart, it seems like I can’t ever remember if I did.

While You Were Sleeping was such a good movie.  So, I’m just going to pretend that my life is a movie that someone is watching.  I’m the star.  I’m playing the role of Jacob.

I wonder if my story will ever make someone cry.

It’s already made me cry.

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