August 11, 1995 – Friday – 11:56 p.m.

Danny and Peter came over today.  They are the greatest!

Tonight was interesting however.  The only people home were Mom, Nate, and myself.  We cooked hamburgers on a grill on the porch.  And while eating, a wonderful conversation arose.  Mom told me of her high school days, a boyfriend, seeing my dad, and getting married at the age of 17.  My dad was 19.  I turn 19 in less than a week.

How stupid they were.

How could they have known?

She told me about them driving out to Arizona and being conned out of over $200 because when they stopped to get gas, a mechanic convinced them they had bad tires and needed to buy new ones immediately.  She later realized they were just trying to sell tires and make an easy buck.  This was in 1971.  Kevin was born in 1975.

They moved to Columbus, Ohio and I was born in August of 1976.  We moved to what was then West Germany in August of 1977.

She told me of a diary she kept during those days.  She ran upstairs to get them.  I read about days before and after I was born.  Her writing was beautiful.  She wrote of smells, sights, sounds.  It reminded me of one of my journal entries or even of one of Emily’s letters.  I was shocked!

On November 2, 1976 she wrote an entry.  This is a small part of that entry:

Jacob and I had our special time together today.  I love nursing him while he’s half asleep and he grins while on my nipple, so cute.

I couldn’t believe it.  This was my mom at 23 years of age.  She wrote about nursing me.  All these years, my mom was right next to me, guiding me, and I hardly noticed her.  And I’m sure that many times when she looked at me, she still saw that two month old bald-headed baby lying helplessly at her breast.

It seemed as if my mom gained so much wisdom tonight.  Or maybe it was me who gained the wisdom.  She has given me so much and through her diary, I could tell that Kevin and I kept her going through those years when my father didn’t know how to love her.

And now…although I am almost 19-years-old, I sometimes still feel like a helpless baby, needing my mother’s breast.  But it is not there.  I must be me, and I must rely on God.

My mom sees so many things I thought she did not.  I owe her so much.  I want to give her so much.

Thank you for showing me this God.

Goodnight everyone.

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