April 7, 1995 – Friday – 12:35 p.m.

After I wrote in my journal, I ran down to the post office to see if I had received a letter from Emily.  She said she had written me one.

It came!  And I’ll write it in here.

Prince Jacob,

“Whether it was chance or that thing called fate that brought you to me, I really can’t say.  And I don’t believe it really matters.  For I have been lucky enough to have the opportunity to hold you.  Not just in my arms, but also in my heart.  And should the winds of time blow hard enough to take you from my arms, you can rest assured they will never take you from my heart.” – Javan

Dearest, dearest, wonderful, perfect, and loving Jacob.  I miss you.  I miss your voice.  I’ve been on cloud nine since we talked.  I ran to the mailbox everyday to look for your letters.  What have you done to me?  Every word you give me, I fall deeper in love with you.

“For a few moments In my life

You made me feel

As if I truly meant

Something to someone”

This was such a special gift.  Special like a rose for love, not a special occasion.  Special like kisses who seem innocent but mean the world.  Special like rain and someone who will dance in it with you and get wet just because they want to be with you.

When I woke up, fog covered my window. Without thinking, I wrote your name with my finger.

I could only wonder if I was smart falling in love with someone I can’t have.  But I can have you.  Only your words, only your paper.  This is how it works.  I can only take what I am given.  Nothing more.

You are the sun… Shine!  Shine! I am the moon. Even though we appear equal, we can never unite.  We are a sunrise and sunset away.  Close enough to whisper, but we can’t touch.  One must always sleep.  But when you get in the state when you aren’t really asleep and you aren’t really awake…that’s where it begins.  That is where we belong eternally.

I’ll never tell you I miss you again, but my pillow answers to your name now.

Does life come with an instruction book?  An instructor?  Yes…I know the secret.  So do you…

Can you read me?

Can you feel me?

Can you love me?

I want you to be everything. I won’t let anyone enter my mind, but I would be willing to let you take a walk.  Walk with me and let me point things out to you about me.  May I walk through your mind.  I promise to only leave my footprints…if I leave.

I don’t cry.  I can’t.  Does this make me empty? Outside my open window the morning air is all awash with angels who gently kiss me.  Thank you for your kisses. Thank you for the roses.  Thank you Angels.  You help me.

Jacob, I am a child trapped in a woman’s body.  

I have fears, but no regrets, and… I cannot cry. Not that I want to or feel I should, I just wonder what this makes me. I am a cloud. I want to be the moon. You make me the moon.

I love you.

I love you.

I can’t have you.

Oh well, what does a dumb old flower know anyway?

She loves you. Can I love? Do you love? Why, why, why, why?

My prayers will always hold special lines for you.

Who are you?  Can I touch you?  Walk with you?  Hold your hand?  Kiss away the tears I cannot make?  Tell my friends I love you?  Give you all of me, eternally?

Do you want me?

Don’t answer.  

I can’t bear disappointment.  

I hurt easily.  No one has been able to understand me yet.  Do you dare try?  I will try to tear you apart with my mind.  Will you stop me?  Please don’t let me walk on you.  Don’t cry in front  of me.  I will be too jealous.  Your tears would become a wall. I will tear my walls down, but I need help. Do you dare?  It’s a rough game.  I think you can win.  But, I won’t lose.  I’ve picked you for a reason. Trust me!  Play, but remember everything I say can be truth or jest.  I do not lie and most important…I love you.

I don’t want to hurt you, but my Prince you must finish the test (you’ve passed so far).  

You are very impressive.

I love you!

Please understand, I’ve been…

Please just understand.

You know me.

Love, Angel xxxooo

Let me be honest.  Emily hurts, she has hurt in her that she is not letting go of.  God has chosen me to rescue her.  I’m not going to play her game.  I’m not going to analyze every word she says.  I’m going to be me. I don’t need glorification.  I don’t need thanksgiving.  I only need to be loved by God.

I only need two things, Love and Freedom!

And when I say love, I meant that I need to love.  I need to want.  I need to need.  I need to help.  My satisfaction in life comes from knowing that I have loved and helped another person.

I also need freedom.  Freedom to tell people how I feel.  Freedom to laugh.  Freedom to cry.  Freedom to love.  I cannot live this life in a box.  I can’t wear a mask.  I can’t be somebody I’m not.

I need to be free.

Emily does to.

However, while I’m rescuing her, I am falling in love with her at the same time.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s