April 2, 1995 – Sunday – 1:30 p.m.

I saw Schindler’s List for the first time one year ago today.

I went to see if so I could escape into another world.  Now I live in another world, so very different from the one I knew.

I learn more and more what life is about each day.  I learn that the less I know the smarter I will be.  I don’t know what I’m suppose to make of all this.  I see almost everything in the spiritual realm.  I don’t see my body, but others around me see only this body.  So that is what I am here to do.  I am to show this world the freedom it can have.

That is the main plot of my story.  Jesus died for me.  I will live for him and find my freedom in him.

In this main story there are millions of other little stories.  Stories about individuals; individuals that I grow to love more and more each day.  I guess that is the point of this journal.  To keep track of those individuals.

Jeni was in a car accident last night with Gayle.  Gayle is an Assistant RD and a wonderful Christian.  She was hurt by the airbag, but Jeni is okay.  But still, something worse could have happened.  What if she would have died?  How would I have reacted?

She loved me and I broke her heart.

She wanted to spend the rest of her life with me.

She wanted to marry me.

She wanted to make love to me.

She wanted to be the mother of my children.

She liked me.

She smiled at me.

She loved to hold my hand.

She loved to kiss me.

All my life, that is what I wanted.  Yet, when I got it, I threw it away.

I threw her away.

I let go of her and I told her to let go of me.

And, because she loved me so much, she did.  She gave me what I wanted.

Thank you Jeni.

Thank you for everything.

May the path you walk be full of love.

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