March 23, 1995 – Thursday – 4:55 p.m.

Today, when I walked into the post office, I ran to my box, praying that a letter from Emily would be in there.

And there was.

Excited, I opened it and read this:


There are so many people out there who give so little but some things are worth so much.  Your tender words caress my soul.  You mean so much.  I too was having an awful day, but when I read your letter I became high on life.  Thank you, for whatever it is worth.

I’ve lived a pretty hard life.  I can’t remember how much I have told you, but it has taken me a while to admit to needing help.  My emotions are so forgotten I believed they cease to exist.  I put walls all around me and closed my eyes.  No body has entered my mind and I’ve become void.

Emptyness is better because the pain can’t get it.  It won’t hurt anymore.  I believed this for a long time and I could only hurt the ones I loved to get back at this game of life.  Now I realize more than ever how special every creature is and how we all fit into the giant puzzle no one can solve.  It would be much easier if we all cared, but not many people do.  There is no easy way to do things.  And nothing is fool proof.  I hope your friends you were speaking about can relate their problems to someone special.  I’m lucky to have you.  We all need to be loved.

Thank you for giving me a door to a brighter tomorrow.  After all it can’t rain all the time.  People like you know how to give and receive, never being too greedy or too generous.  I miss people like you.  They are hard to find

Jacob, you can be the prince of my heart anytime.  You only have to ask.  Don’t let fear stop you from anything.  I’ve become aware to your kindheartedness and true inner beauty.  I’ve grown so much.

Do you know how old I am?  How old do you think I am?  Does it matter to you or will you be prejudice if I wasn’t the right age?  I don’t look or act my age.  I truly don’t feel my age.  Can you guess how old I am?  Have I ever given you any impression of my age?  It’s sort of a game I play.  I was just wondering if you had caught on.  It’s really no big deal.  If you get it within two years I’ll give you a penny, okay!  It’s a bet!

Recently I have been feeling really ugly and I’ve had low self-esteem.  I’ve begun to realize why.  I’m not quite sure yet.  So, just keep praying for me and I will let you know as soon as I brainstorm.

I hope you are enjoying or have enjoyed your visit home.  Hopefully you have good memories and feelings.

My mom sat me down and talked to me today about seeing a psychiatrist.  I was hurt at first, but now I think it may help.  I don’t want to go, but I think God wants me to, so I will.

How do you feel about that?  Have you ever done that before?

You know it’s odd, but it seems as if I can tell you anything.  I know if we got together we could talk non-stop for days, but it seems more special to communicate with ink.  I’ve grown attached to you.  I don’t know what you are to me, but special.  

I love you very much.  You will always have a big piece of me.  I want you to have it.  It’s the only thing I can give you that means anything.  You deserve the best and I will treat you the best I can.

And since we are hundreds of miles away, I can only give you my pen, only my paper.  But whatever forms occupy my space, I want them to be for you.  Do you accept?

You know, I will forever cherish our few hours filled with smiles and game, but the way I know you now seems to be a far greater value to me than all the smiles I’ve seen.

Time is precious.

Thanks for giving me yours.

Love is precious.

Thanks for giving me yours.

I can be the best in the world for you.  Please let me hold you for a while.  Please take me.

I need to be held.

Love your angel, 


It turns out those few random hours from 9:00 p.m. to midnight on June 19, 1993 at the Deep Creek Campground near Bryson City, North Carolina may have changed my life forever.

If I only see her ink, her ink will do.

If I can’t hold her there in Florida, I will hold her ink and paper here.

If that fades away, like everything else.

I will fall in love with her again in heaven.

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